Yoga Teacher Nightmares: A Top 10 List

Last week, right before teaching, I made a flippant comment to another teacher about one of my biggest teaching fears--one that I have recurring nightmares about. I said it thinking that I was alone in this fear, but her face immediately lit up and she said, "I have that nightmare too!" It made me so happy to hear her say this, and it also made me realize that I'm probably not alone in all of my teaching fears.

Whether you're a yoga teacher or student, I think that getting these fears out in the open is important [and fun/funny]. For teachers, I think you should know that we all have recurring nightmares about teaching and/or mid-teaching worries. For students, I think you should know that even yoga teachers have "work anxiety," and that we're not just floating around on a cloud of enlightenment the entire time that we're teaching (far from it...).

Also, I want all of you to be aware of my biggest fears, so that if you're in my class and one of these things happens while I'm teaching, you'll be in the know and can think, OMG, it just happened. 

Thus, here are my 10 biggest teaching nightmares [please note that this post is about as straightforward and raunchy as I get]:

1. Savasana ends and instead of my playlist ending and the room being silent, a crazy obscene rap song comes on next.  Can you imagine? What if my iPhone was somehow set to shuffle and after my relaxing, instrumental savasana song, "Back that Ass Up" came on? And then I had to run across the room to turn it off, and it played the whole time? Total nightmare and ALL respect lost. 
   
   
2. I accidentally ride a student like a horse. Okay, so this actually happened to me once and I'm still horrified. Also, it was a fear BEFORE it happened, so that's cool. Here's how it happened: When I assist my students in upward facing dog, I stand over them (one leg on either side of his/her body) and adjust their shoulders. Then, when I cue moving back into downward facing dog, I take a couple of quick steps back so that I'm behind them to assist them in down dog. Only if the student moves into down dog too quickly/on their own, I can't get back and I'm literally straddling their back/butt. Usually I can take an escape route by just jumping away from them, but this one time, with this guy student, I just didn't have time and for a second there, I was a yoga cowgirl riding my student's back. Yeah, that happened. 
   
   
3. I drop a cork block (really heavy and hard) on someone's face while they're lying on their back with their eyes closed. This isn't as big of a fear anymore, but where I used to teach we had all of these cork blocks in cubbies along the side of the room. Sometimes near the end of class, as students were on their backs and taking their final poses, someone would give me a wave and ask for a block. Every time that I reached for one over another student's head, I would repeat the mantra "don't drop it, don't drop it, don't drop it" in my mind. I think a cork block falling flat on a nose could seriously break it and I can't imagine doing that to someone. 
   
   
4. I can't get my class' attention, no one listens to me, and I can't get class started.  This fear doesn't sound like much, but it's a big one. This is my only true (real) recurring nightmare, and I have it at least once per month. It usually involves trying to get "control" of a really big, talkative class, where no one is listening to me and the entire class is basically pandemonium. This dream often also has an element of everyone just getting up and starting to leave in the middle of class, or talking and milling around during class. Ugh, I hate it. 
   
   
5. I accidentally grab/step on/touch a guy's penis while assisting him. {Yep, I went there}. I've heard horror stories from other teachers who have had this happen to them. They're assisting someone in a pose and all of the sudden the realize that they aren't touching leg anymore. Or they go to do supine twist assist, where you have to step in close and stand over a student who is lying down on his side, and they step on it. HUGE fear that I believe would leave me unable to teach a coherent class for the rest of the hour. 
   
   
6. I trip and land on someone who is lying down on their mat.  I'm a pretty clumsy person, so this fear isn't that far-fetched, I've just been lucky enough that it hasn't happened to me yet (knock on wood). When the class is lying down in savasana, totally trusting and vulnerable, I always just feel like this clumsy giant walking around through a field of delicate flowers. 
   
   
7. I step on someone's glasses and break them. People: if you wear glasses and take them off when you practice, PLEASE put them on a block instead of on the floor! Teachers: if you see someone put their glasses on the floor, quietly go get a block and put it under their glasses! Stepping on glasses is real and I know many teachers who have done this. 
   
   
8. I fall out of an arm balance while demonstrating, land on my nose, and it starts bleeding everywhere. I know a non-teacher who fell out of crow, landed on her nose, and started bleeding everywhere. I also know many teachers (myself included) who have fallen out of arm balances and inversions when demonstrating them. In my mind, I have combined these two occurrences to come up with yet another thing to worry about when teaching ;) 
   
   
9. Other demonstrating in front of the whole class fears: My pants rip, a boob falls out, I fart, etc. I think all of these are self-explanatory. Also, I did hear a horror story from someone whose friend had her pants rip while teaching a boot camp class (And she wasn't wearing any underwear!?! eeeeeekkkkkk!).
   
   
10. I get caught in traffic and don't arrive in time to teach my class/I forget about my class/I sleep through my alarm and miss my class. I know that these fears aren't the same as the others because they don't have to do with being in a classroom, but they're big ones. I. Hate. Being. Late. 

Teachers, I really hope that I haven't invited new fears into your life or your teaching by sharing these nightmares. If anything, I want you to know that having weird worries about teaching is totally natural.

Teaching yoga is a crazy thing because it's so physical, and you're touching people + moving around in a crowded room, and there's an energy exchange and a mental + emotional aspect to the practice, too. It is wonderful and amazing but it can also be challenging and I think that it's okay to talk about that part of the job, too. 

That being said, even though I have all 10 of these fears, only a very small number of them have actually happened to me in my approx. 2000 hours worth of teaching yoga (I really hope that I'm not jinxing myself by writing them down and putting them out there!). So don't worry too much, you guys, and just know that a little bit of fear is normal ;)

Also know that teaching is totally worth it--even if you do accidentally ride a student like a horse once every 4 years or so...