In early March, a blogger, yoga teacher, and speaker named Hemalayaa wrote a blog post about "Yoga Teachers on Antidepressants." Although I didn't get to read the post and it has since been taken down because of the backlash it received, my understanding is that the gist of this post was that yoga teachers shouldn't be on medication for mental and/or emotional issues.
She said that yoga teachers shouldn't just go on a "happy pill" instead of working through their issues, and that they should treat their depression and/or anxiety with yoga, dance, deep breathing, hot baths, walks outside, etc. Obviously, this post didn't go over well because of the judgmental tone and misunderstanding of depression and mental illness, and along with removing it, Hemalayaa has issued an apology on her blog. But, Hemalayaa's post is not what I want to talk about today. What I want to share is my own story with meds, and although it makes me feel scared and vulnerable, I think that as a yoga teacher with some experience in this area, it's worth sharing: In October 2012, Ben and I got married. In November 2012, my stepmom, Anita, lost her long battle with Ovarian Cancer. In December 2012, my mom went into a manic state (she has always struggled with mental illness) that lasted over 4 months and resulted in a lot of horrible things that I won't get into. The holiday season was hard, to say the least, and then it was a new year and things picked up and life + work got really, really busy and challenging. I reached a point where I was so over-scheduled and overworked, and my emotions were so frayed and so raw, that I was in a constant state of jittery anxiety and panic. I was overwhelmed and barely staying afloat, and no amount of yoga, meditation, deep breathing, or legs-up-the wall could help. So, in late January 2013, I went to therapy for the first time since high school. I didn't know what else to do; I was feeling so low and so out of control that I knew I wouldn't be able to continue to function at a normal level without some help. [Some of you may remember my subsequent blog post about my love of therapy--I'm a big fan!] I walked into my first appointment and within a few minutes of talking, I was sobbing. The floodgates had opened and I was a mess. I was still a yoga teacher, I was still practicing regularly (almost every day at this time), and I was using all of the tools in my toolbelt to try and stay as calm, mindful, and relaxed as possible, but it just wasn't enough. Therapy helped, but within my first few visits, my therapist suggested I see a psychiatrist for my anxiety. My immediate response was "No, I'm not a meds person." Mental illness runs in my family, many of my family members have been on meds for as long as I can remember (my mom being the primary example here), and since being put on anti-depressants for a brief stint in high school--when I struggled with an eating disorder, among other issues--I had always vowed that I would never go there again. Yet here I was. So, after a bit of convincing on my therapist's part, I agreed to meet with a psychiatrist to discuss options, although I was adamant that I wouldn't go on meds because "I was above that" and "didn't need medicine to get a handle on my emotions." I could do that myself...right? Long story short, I eventually agreed to try a very small dosage of an antidepressant to help with my debilitating anxiety. The psychiatrist explained it to me like this: The chemicals in my brain had gotten off balance due to all of the emotional challenges that I was currently going through. As someone who has a tendency towards anxiety and depression, my chemicals are easily thrown off balance, but this time around, my body was under too much stress to balance them out on it's own. A low dosage of medication would help to level out those chemicals, get me back to my baseline, and then once stable, I could go off of them again. Like crutches for someone who has broken her foot. Although I didn't want to do it, I was just lost and desperate enough that I agreed. And guess what? It helped. A lot. Fairly quickly. In about 2 months, I felt like myself again. I was doing the work in weekly therapy sessions, I was still practicing yoga and meditating and breathing deeply, but also, I had a little chemical help for my off-balance brain. I wasn't a dumbed-down, overmedicated, happy pill enthusiast--I was still anxious and a bit stressed out (which is just a part of my baseline)--but I was myself again. I wasn't completely lost and overwhelmed and hopeless anymore. And less than a year later, I was off of the meds. Things were great, I felt like I didn't need them anymore, I went off slowly with the help of a doctor, and I haven't looked back. I know that antidepressants are controversial in our country, and rightly so. I also know that my experience isn't representative of everyone's experience, and that each person has a different story when it comes to meds, depression, anxiety, etc. I also really appreciated the recent NYT article, Medicating Women's Feelings, and I agree with the author's fear that way too many Americans (and especially women) are on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds for way too long (worth a read!). But I definitely don't think that we can make blanket statements about yoga and meds, or say that as yogis, we should be embarrassed if we need some help. If nothing else, what I want to make clear is this: I am a yoga teacher who believes in the healing power of yoga, and for around 11 months in 2013, I was on medication for severe anxiety. Dancing and hot baths weren't enough, and as much as I love holistic practices and Eastern medicine, I came to a point where I needed Western medicine to give me a hand while I sorted things out. At the time that I went on meds, I was embarrassed and I felt like a fraud, but I did it, because I was lost and nothing else was helping. The professionals who I trusted told me that it would help and that it was temporary, and it did and it was and I'm glad that I did it. So, there you go. If you're reading this, and you're a yogi or a yoga teacher who struggles with your feelings around this subject, I want you to know that I'm with you, I've been there, and sometimes it's just a part of the journey. Sometimes our yoga and meditation practices are enough, and sometimes they're not. I am so glad that Hemalayaa's blog post opened up this dialogue, because I think it's one worth discussing in the yoga world, even though it's touchy and scary and controversial. And remember, above all else, yoga is about unity, accepting one another, love, and compassion--and I think that is where we should go when it comes to all topics, controversial or not. 3/25/2015 10:52:48 pm
Oh MC--Thank you for this post and for sharing your story. This is exactly why you are a great yoga teacher, and business coach and artist…vulnerability always rocks and creativity comes from the broken/vulnerable places. Bravo!
Amanda Converse
3/25/2015 11:30:31 pm
As someone who has struggled with depression for most of my life, I so appreciate you addressing this topic. When I first went on meds at 19, I thought I would lose a part of myself, but I actually became more of myself. However, I went through years of therapy before taking the step toward medication. It is SO important to see a mental health professional and not just get prescribed medication by your primary care physician.
Mary Catherine
3/26/2015 10:48:47 pm
I love the insulin/diabetes comparison, Amanda! Someone else mentioned that to me in an email and it's such a helpful way to think about it.
Megan
3/26/2015 12:03:17 am
So brave, beautiful, and amazing. Love you, MC!
Annette
3/26/2015 12:23:42 am
Thank you so much for sharing! Lovely, thoughtful words.
Dana Cox
3/26/2015 12:24:15 am
Depression is real...and faces so many more people than meets the eye. You are SO brave for writing this...and it is SO necessary that our society and our community, find a level of comfort in discussing these issues and help people safely (just as you did) so that things do not get worse! We all know...or have heard on the news what that turns into.... MC I love love love that you are in my world and in this world! Keep up the good work sistah! :) Namaste!
Nicole
3/26/2015 12:57:55 am
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. It makes life more bearable when you have a connection and don't feel so alone in this big world.
amnika
3/26/2015 01:34:40 am
thank you lady. extremely well said, and that's why you a true yogi. Not because of your writing abilities but because you let yourself be venerable enough to share your story. You are helping so many people weather they say it or not. Your bravery is admirable and inspiring. I hope you are proud of yourself for writing this. It's not easy... I know because I too have a similar story and have let feelings of shame around it creep in. Which in thinking about it defeats the purpose. Regardless, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Such a great topic! I definitely think there's an issue in the US with over-medicating, but blanket statements about antidepressants fill me with rage. The thing is, you never know what someone is going through, nor do you know their family's health history. I've personally always felt that if you struggle and are prone to depression and anxiety, a manageable dosage is not a bad thing especially when going through hard times. It just so completely depends on the person and the situation that there's no way we can ever make grand, sweeping statements about it.
Molly Eldridge
3/26/2015 02:55:32 am
Mary Catherine, thank you very much for this post. It is brave, real and so important! You are so talented, lovely and amazing and sharing your vulnerability makes you even more so! As a psychotherapist I often have to help people make a choice to go on meds or not. We are all unique and there is absolutely no one answer. People need someone to listen and help them access all resources to living a life that is fulfilling to them. So glad for you and for all of us that you got this support and shared it with us! XO Molly
Mary Catherine
3/26/2015 10:50:21 pm
Thanks for this, Molly! Great to have a psychotherapist chime in and share--and SO thankful for people like you who are providing support :) xoxo
Staci
3/26/2015 03:00:01 am
I am glad I pulled up your blog after a long hiatus. There is always something that gets me thinking. :) I totally believe in the healing power of yoga, which your classes helped provide me, personally, at TS Arlington! But Western medicine/philosophy has its place too and I think the trick is to find the balance. That is something I still try to do and luckily I find it is not as hard to find a general practitioner that believes in some of the Eastern stuff too!
kirsten
3/26/2015 03:09:01 am
brave, honest, and incredibly inspiring. thank you SO much for sharing. namaste :)
Michelle
3/26/2015 04:16:59 am
What an awesome and courageous post - thanks for sharing!
Cindy
3/26/2015 07:40:00 am
I read your post several times with joy because it affirms my own life experience. Thus is such sn important discussion and I am inspired by your honesty, courage, and ability to share with others. Namaste !🙏
Mary Catherine
3/26/2015 10:46:52 pm
Thank you all SO MUCH for your comments, stories, feedback, and encouragement! It means the world to me and I am so glad to have all of you join the dialogue to show others that there are many of us who deal with this. I agree, there is WAY too much stigma and shame associated with this topic--lets take it back!
Jen
3/27/2015 04:26:09 am
This is so amazing. THANK YOU for sharing your story! Was happy to share with a dear friend who was feeling very alone + ashamed as she battled with a clinical depression diagnosis and the decision to go on the suggested anti-depressants. Feel so blessed to have you + your kindness and honesty in my life! You are truly such a gift.
Dawn
3/27/2015 08:42:52 pm
To me yoga is about being honest and accepting of what is...not what you would like it to be. You are that and more...I commend you for your honesty and for being real...it helps people more than any formatted class. I too am a big fan of therapy and seeking it as needed...it is so helpful and if medication can help, why not 3/31/2015 07:58:42 am
A brave and well-written post Mary Catherine. I too have experience of depression/anxiety and believe that it's easy to judge someone but only the sufferer knows the true reality.
Marjorie
3/31/2015 10:00:10 pm
Hi Mary Catherine, dear bright star! Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story. It's one more reminder we are more connected with each other than we usually allow ourselves to be, so thank you! I am also a big fan of therapy and struggled with the decision point on meds v no meds last year so everything you've shared resonated...one overwhelmingly positive experience I had was finding a NAMI family to family course in the fall that has helped me learn more about the biology of mental illness / brain disorders (the diabetes example above is right on), communication tools, an understanding of the phases of family members' awareness and different coping skills, and the biggest one: a common bond with others who struggle to help their loved ones and often feel powerless and alone. I feel more at peace now and have more honest conversations in my family...so powerful. I looked up NAMI Cape Cod and there is a chapter. It was the best 12 week (free!) investment of my life. Sending you a big big hug and lots of light. Love, Marjorie
Mary Catherine
4/1/2015 03:58:45 am
Wow, thank you for this GREAT information, Marjorie! I will definitely look into NAMI, I'd never heard of it before! Thank you for reading and sharing--miss you! 4/1/2015 12:52:41 am
Wow! Thank you for sharing all of this. I obviously understand where you are coming from. Meds and therapy helped when I was young and eventually I realized I didn't need them anymore and it's led me to where I am as a coach who specializes in exactly this! I never tell anyone to stop their meds or that they're horrible, because sometimes it's what we need to jumpstart us back to where/who we need to be. Thanks for your vulnerability. I know how hard it is to share a story like this but look at all of the inspiration you have given others... Happy to have you here and helping with my mission in regards to ALL of this! xoxo
Mary Catherine
4/1/2015 03:59:28 am
Thank YOU for what you're doing to help women dealing with anxiety and depression, Shayna! Amazing work :)
MC, thank you for this! Why is it perfectly ok to heal physical injuries with medicine but completely crazy to turn to therapy or antidepressants for mental and emotional pain? The reality is that making this taboo is leaving many people suffering in silence, and in some cases, taking devastating measures to stop the hurt. I think it's on us as a community, as a society, to encourage one another to take care of our minds and hearts as much as we are taking care of our bodies. And if someone needs a little extra boost from Western medicine to heal wounds too deep for dancing, meditating, and yoga, we should be nothing but supportive. I'd like to end with this: My name is Carolina, I am a yoga teacher, and I have taken meds for my anxiety. Yeah! 4/7/2015 11:35:12 am
When I was depressed about 3 years ago and sleeping most of every day I stumbled across this song called "Devi Prayer" by one of my favorite artists called Craig Pruess and this artist/musician called Ananda:
Tamara
5/2/2016 12:01:46 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your experience!
Danielle Bavis
8/30/2017 10:33:58 am
Hi Marie-Catherine, I would like to know if I am the only person with this problem: I have been taking anti-depressants for 24 years, and I have just started to do yoga a few days ago - my body could follow but my head felt dizzy all the time. It was so uncomfortable. I would love to continue my yoga lessons, so I don't know what to do to stop the dizziness in my head. Thank you.
Mary Catherine
8/30/2017 05:56:56 pm
Hi Danielle, I would go see a doctor and get checked for any medical reasons that this might be happening (above and beyond your antidepressants). I'm not a doctor so can't diagnose at all but definitely don't think dizziness would be a reason to stop practicing yoga all together and it could get better as you get used to practicing...you just want to make sure this isn't a symptom of an underlying issue or something before continuing. If your doctor gives you the a-okay then you may just want to be more careful and move more slowly, especially when coming up/down out of forward folds and up and down out of seated poses, etc. Hope this helps and good luck! Namaste. Comments are closed.
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HELLO!I'm Mary Catherine, a Cape Cod-based yoga teacher, painter, designer, writer, mom, and list-maker extraordinaire. My goal is to inspire you to start living a more creative, simple, joyful, + purposeful life.
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