Motherhood Monthly: When You Catch a Glimpse of Your Pre-Mom Self

​The other morning, after dropping Charlie Mae off at daycare (or as Ben likes to call it, "playgroup"), I rolled the windows down and turned up the radio--one of my favorite things to do on a warm, sunny day. 

As I flipped through the stations looking for some good music, I heard the first few lines of one of my most cherished songs--the song that I rapped aloud for everyone on a mic at my wedding (not planned but amazing, nonetheless!)--"Shoop" by Salt-N-Pepa. I was thrilled to hear this song playing at 8:30am on a Tuesday, so as I drove along at 30MPH, I turned it up and started rapping every line out loud, as loud as possible without losing my "smooth" rapper voice (as you do when rapping alone in your car...). 

Although I know it sounds super cheesy, I have to tell you that in that moment, I got a little teary-eyed. Rapping alone in the car after a rough night and a rushed morning was just the little reminder I needed that throughout all of the months of sleep deprivation, the new responsibilities, and the constant worry that has come along with having a baby, the old me is still in there. 

I mean, sure, she's covered with breastmilk and mushed banana, she's a bit preoccupied, and her back seat [and front seat, for that matter] is now full of baby toys, but she still likes to rap, she still likes to drive with the windows down, and she still likes to let the wind mess up her [greasy, messy, unwashed] hair. She's changed, that's for sure, but she's still in there. 

As I'm learning through my own experience as a new mom and by talking to lots of other mothers to small children, when you're a mom, it's pretty easy to lose yourself in the everyday--in the reminders, the scheduling, the constant needs of your little ones.

But whenever we have a moment where our previous life shines through, be it taking a solo yoga class, going out for drinks with friends, stepping out for a quick pedicure, or driving down a Cape Cod road and blasting vintage rap music, we remember who we are outside of being a mother, and I think those moments are really important in keeping us moving forward through the more challenging days (and nights) of early parenthood.

Don't get me wrong, being a mom is my absolute favorite thing I've ever done--I love it WAY more than I loved rapping Salt 'n Pepa on a Saturday night at a fraternity house in college (and I loved that a lot). But in becoming a mother I've discovered what so many other mothers have discovered before me: that as a mom, the freer, wind-in-the-hair version of you can get a little buried sometimes, and when you're knee-deep in baby poop and dirty laundry, it's easy to think that she's lost forever and might never re-emerge.

But that moment in the car the other day assured me that the old me isn't lost--that she's still in there and she'll most definitely be back. When I think about it that way, I find myself getting very excited about the day that my child is old enough to meet that version of me, and I can only hope that she'll have as much fun with her as I have. 

Also, I'm pretty sure that with the parents she has, Charlie Mae is going to be rapping as soon as she learns enough words to do so, so maybe I'll have a little rapper sidekick way sooner than I think...can I get a Llama Llama up in the heezy?

​MC + CM 4LIFE, YO.