We're Having a Baby (!): How Pregnancy Has Already Caused a Shift in My Identity

As you may have seen on Facebook yesterday, Ben and I just made a big announcement.

If we're not Facebook friends or you missed it in the *very* obvious title of this blog post, here it is: I'm pregnant. At just over 12 weeks along, I'm due on August 17th. {And it's frickin' crazy!!!}

We recorded a podcast about it yesterday (which will air tomorrow), so if you want to hear a detailed discussion covering how I'm feeling emotionally + physically, what Ben and I are both most excited about and most nervous/anxious about when it comes to pregnancy and having a baby, and how we got to the point where we felt ready to have kids (from 1 year ago when we weren't quite as ready), be sure to listen to tomorrow's podcast episode.  

Today, however, I wanted to use this post to talk about identity, and specifically, how a woman's identity changes as soon as she gets a positive pregnancy test. Or at least how mine did. This was something I was not expecting at all, and it's been a very abrupt and strange shift for me--one that I'm still getting used to and not quite comfortable with yet.

For the past 5-6 years, I've identified as a yoga teacher, an artist, a blogger, and over time, as a solopreneur and graphic designer. Yes, I'm a wife, a daughter, and a friend, but I don't think of myself as those things, they're just a part of me. For all intents and purposes, I've defined myself by what I do--by my work--and although I know that's not really who I am when it comes down to it, that's what has given me direction and purpose in my daily life.

When I got my positive pregnancy test back in December (or I should say, 4 positive pregnancy tests, since I didn't believe them and kept checking...), all of the sudden, I was someone else. I didn't feel it right away, of course, but over the coming weeks, as I made changes in my diet, my yoga practice, my sleep patterns, I realized that for the first time ever, I had to make personal, internal decisions based on someone else. It was uncomfortable, scary, and disorienting; 'what if I do something to hurt this little being?!'

Then came the big test: my retreat to Costa Rica. Kimberly Wilson and I were all set to lead our annual retreat to paradise February 13th-20th. It's been in the works for almost a year and we had purchased our tickets, ordered our supplies, had our organizational planning calls...and then the Zika virus started spreading through Central America. As I'm sure you've heard, the Zika virus really only poses a threat to pregnant women, but the threat is a serious one and as my midwife and the CDC cautioned me, it's not a risk worth taking. 

Long story short, I had to make the decision to stay home from the retreat. For the first time EVER, I had to choose my child (my unborn child, but child nonetheless) over work--over my role as a teacher, a retreat leader, a solopreneur, a person who you can count on when she makes a commitment. I had to back out of something that I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined myself backing out of. 

It didn't feel good, and yet, it felt completely right at the same time. I was on totally unfamiliar ground.

My friends assured me that this was the first of many times in my life (from here on out) that I'd have to choose the health and wellbeing of my child over my work, over my commitments, over everything else. And while I know that they're right and I know that this decision was 100% right, the shift has still been a hard one to accept.

There are many times in life when you cross over a threshold and enter a completely different stage, meet a different version of yourself, without even realizing it. It often happens when you graduate from college and enter the "real world," when you first see your parents as people instead of your parents, when you lose a loved one for the first time, when you move across the country (or the world) completely on your own, when you get married. I guess I should have known that getting pregnant would be a similar threshold, but for some reason, I didn't really grasp how this change would affect me until it did.

So, as I get used to this new identity and continue to make changes and decisions based on this little being that is living inside of my belly (insane!), I plan on sharing the ups-and-downs with you. I am crazy excited and ready and full of love, but I'm also anxious, nervous, scared, and everything in between (which, again, we discuss in tomorrow's podcast episode), and I plan on being honest with you about all of this. 

For my readers who aren't interested in pregnancy and motherhood: don't worry, this is not going to become a mommy-blog or a pregnancy-blog (in the same way that it didn't become a wedding blog when I was engaged/planning our wedding), but I will be checking-in every once in a while about the process and how it's feeling as my body, life, and emotional state of being continues to change. 

Oh, and if you've noticed that I've been a bit out of the personal essay/personal blog post loop for the past two months or so, it's because of my pregnancy--it's hard to write personal blog posts when your entire mind has been taken over by this one topic that you can't share with people yet (or that we chose not to share until yesterday). But now that it's all out in the open, I promise to get back to being a bit more personal with you :)

Lastly, I just want to say that I know pregnancy and motherhood can be sensitive subjects for many, so I am going to try my best to be very conscientious as I use this space to share my personal experience with this big life change over the coming months. 

Thank you for all of the love, well-wishes, and congratulations on our announcement. I [we] feel your support already!