As you may have seen on Facebook yesterday, Ben and I just made a big announcement.
If we're not Facebook friends or you missed it in the *very* obvious title of this blog post, here it is: I'm pregnant. At just over 12 weeks along, I'm due on August 17th. {And it's frickin' crazy!!!} We recorded a podcast about it yesterday (which will air tomorrow), so if you want to hear a detailed discussion covering how I'm feeling emotionally + physically, what Ben and I are both most excited about and most nervous/anxious about when it comes to pregnancy and having a baby, and how we got to the point where we felt ready to have kids (from 1 year ago when we weren't quite as ready), be sure to listen to tomorrow's podcast episode. Today, however, I wanted to use this post to talk about identity, and specifically, how a woman's identity changes as soon as she gets a positive pregnancy test. Or at least how mine did. This was something I was not expecting at all, and it's been a very abrupt and strange shift for me--one that I'm still getting used to and not quite comfortable with yet. For the past 5-6 years, I've identified as a yoga teacher, an artist, a blogger, and over time, as a solopreneur and graphic designer. Yes, I'm a wife, a daughter, and a friend, but I don't think of myself as those things, they're just a part of me. For all intents and purposes, I've defined myself by what I do--by my work--and although I know that's not really who I am when it comes down to it, that's what has given me direction and purpose in my daily life. When I got my positive pregnancy test back in December (or I should say, 4 positive pregnancy tests, since I didn't believe them and kept checking...), all of the sudden, I was someone else. I didn't feel it right away, of course, but over the coming weeks, as I made changes in my diet, my yoga practice, my sleep patterns, I realized that for the first time ever, I had to make personal, internal decisions based on someone else. It was uncomfortable, scary, and disorienting; 'what if I do something to hurt this little being?!' Then came the big test: my retreat to Costa Rica. Kimberly Wilson and I were all set to lead our annual retreat to paradise February 13th-20th. It's been in the works for almost a year and we had purchased our tickets, ordered our supplies, had our organizational planning calls...and then the Zika virus started spreading through Central America. As I'm sure you've heard, the Zika virus really only poses a threat to pregnant women, but the threat is a serious one and as my midwife and the CDC cautioned me, it's not a risk worth taking. Long story short, I had to make the decision to stay home from the retreat. For the first time EVER, I had to choose my child (my unborn child, but child nonetheless) over work--over my role as a teacher, a retreat leader, a solopreneur, a person who you can count on when she makes a commitment. I had to back out of something that I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined myself backing out of. It didn't feel good, and yet, it felt completely right at the same time. I was on totally unfamiliar ground. My friends assured me that this was the first of many times in my life (from here on out) that I'd have to choose the health and wellbeing of my child over my work, over my commitments, over everything else. And while I know that they're right and I know that this decision was 100% right, the shift has still been a hard one to accept. There are many times in life when you cross over a threshold and enter a completely different stage, meet a different version of yourself, without even realizing it. It often happens when you graduate from college and enter the "real world," when you first see your parents as people instead of your parents, when you lose a loved one for the first time, when you move across the country (or the world) completely on your own, when you get married. I guess I should have known that getting pregnant would be a similar threshold, but for some reason, I didn't really grasp how this change would affect me until it did. So, as I get used to this new identity and continue to make changes and decisions based on this little being that is living inside of my belly (insane!), I plan on sharing the ups-and-downs with you. I am crazy excited and ready and full of love, but I'm also anxious, nervous, scared, and everything in between (which, again, we discuss in tomorrow's podcast episode), and I plan on being honest with you about all of this. For my readers who aren't interested in pregnancy and motherhood: don't worry, this is not going to become a mommy-blog or a pregnancy-blog (in the same way that it didn't become a wedding blog when I was engaged/planning our wedding), but I will be checking-in every once in a while about the process and how it's feeling as my body, life, and emotional state of being continues to change. Oh, and if you've noticed that I've been a bit out of the personal essay/personal blog post loop for the past two months or so, it's because of my pregnancy--it's hard to write personal blog posts when your entire mind has been taken over by this one topic that you can't share with people yet (or that we chose not to share until yesterday). But now that it's all out in the open, I promise to get back to being a bit more personal with you :) Lastly, I just want to say that I know pregnancy and motherhood can be sensitive subjects for many, so I am going to try my best to be very conscientious as I use this space to share my personal experience with this big life change over the coming months. Thank you for all of the love, well-wishes, and congratulations on our announcement. I [we] feel your support already!
Lindsey
2/8/2016 06:42:56 am
Congrats! So we have the exact same bday AND now we will have babies born in the same year! We babymooned in the Domincan Republic back in October, but were originally looking at Brazil. Now with Zika, we are so happy we decided to switch. There have been a few cases of Zika in Haiti, but none yet in the DR and the baby is looking good on ultrasounds, so I'm trying not to stress unnecessarily. I totally understand how strange it is to start making decisions for this brand new person!
Mary Catherine
2/8/2016 03:28:13 pm
We're twins, Lindsey!!!!! And OMG, congrats to you, too! Yes, I'm sure you're fine but I TOTALLY get the stress about everything that happens now...it's a whole new pile of anxiety to get used to! So happy for you...keep me posted on how you're doing! xxoxo
Mary Catherine
2/8/2016 03:29:05 pm
Oh Molly, that SUCKS. Yeah, Zika is really disrupting the lives of pregnant women everywhere...so sorry! Hope you got a raincheck...and thanks for the congrats! Right back at you and your adorable self :)
Eileen
2/8/2016 08:33:35 am
Congratulations! And yes it is so true, from what we eat to what activities we do, we start making choices based on your children!
Mary Catherine
2/8/2016 03:29:32 pm
Thanks so much, Eileen! xoxo
dee
2/8/2016 09:23:56 am
sooooo beautifully written. big congrats!
Mary Catherine
2/8/2016 03:29:43 pm
THANK YOU, Dee! xo
Catherine
2/8/2016 10:29:05 am
Congrats! So exciting!
Silvia
2/8/2016 10:31:37 am
Wow, that's wonderful news! I'm so very happy for you guys! Big changes coming your way, life won't ever be the same again or boring 😁 you will make a great mommy 😊
Denise
2/8/2016 10:42:24 am
Congratulations! What wonderful news.
Dawn
2/8/2016 11:07:50 am
Congrats MC & Ben - the best, most joyful, scary, hardest and most rewarding role of your life. I'm still struggling with my mixed identity & balancing act of motherhood and career and I'm still not sure I will ever get the right balance of the two but one thing about motherhood you don't realize isn't really a choice is that you will always put your kids wellbeing & happiness first - it's where your heart leads you.
Mary Catherine
2/8/2016 03:30:27 pm
So beautiful, Dawn. Thanks for sharing--I've already learned so much about motherhood just from talking with you! xoxo
Elaine Cody
2/8/2016 11:27:36 am
Congratulations Mary Catherine! I am so happy for you!
Mary Catherine
2/8/2016 03:31:00 pm
Thanks SO much for all the sweet notes, everyone! And thanks for taking the time to read + comment--means the world :) xoxo
Mary Catherine
2/10/2016 06:13:44 am
Thanks for the encouragement, Kelly! I'm glad to hear that making these decisions gets easier because yikes! ;) xoxo
Kelly
2/10/2016 12:24:52 pm
Congratulations!! Truly wonderful news! Aside from offering my congratulations, I also wanted to comment that I thought it was super kind for you to acknowledge that the topic of pregnancy and motherhood can be sensitive for some people. Just even having that acknowledged can make all the difference for those going through a tough time. Comments are closed.
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HELLO!I'm Mary Catherine, a Cape Cod-based yoga teacher, painter, designer, writer, mom, and list-maker extraordinaire. My goal is to inspire you to start living a more creative, simple, joyful, + purposeful life.
{Learn more + read my story}
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