Tuesday Truth: M&Ms, Diet Coke, and Judgment

On Sunday, Ben and I went grocery shopping hungry, which everyone knows is a big no-no.

We loaded up our cart until it was bubbling over the edges. We took a trip down the cookie aisle so that Ben could get Oreos (his indulgence of choice) and then we took a trip down the candy aisle so that I could get Peanut M&Ms. Was it our finest hour? No. Did we have fun picking out whatever unhealthy treat our heart desired? Yes.

However, I'm embarrassed to tell you that I was relieved when we got to the produce section, so that I could cover up our unhealthy food selections with asparagus, apples, bananas, and carrots. I put a bag of spinach on top of Ben’s Oreos and a package of Romaine over the yellow bag of M&Ms; I felt much better once our guilty pleasures were tucked away, out of sight, out of mind.

As someone who is fully aware of the addictive qualities of sugar, of the issues with junk food in our country, and of the chemicals that go into all of these horribly processed foods, I hate having a grocery cart that screams "unhealthy American." What if I ran into a yoga student while pushing my cart around, as I often do? What would they think if they saw their teacher buying total trash?

Then, we were standing in line at the checkout counter and Ben looked at me, a glisten in his eye, and said, “Do you want to split a Diet Coke?”

Let me stop right here to tell you something that you may or may not know about me: I used to be a Diet Coke addict. Like, out-of-control-I-drink-2-liters-per-day-because-I’m-screwed-up-in-the-head kind of addict. I loved the caffeine, the taste, the fact that it was devoid of calories, and the fact that it filled me up. As I've mentioned before, I had some eating problems when I was younger, and Diet Coke was a part of that world for me. 

As I grew up and started to care about and take care of my body [thanks to yoga], I gave up Diet Coke. I stopped filling my body with chemicals and food coloring and crazy amounts of caffeine, and turned to healthier choices.

But does that mean that I am totally over Diet Coke? Nope. It’s like that messed up guy who is kind of a jerk that you know isn’t good for you, but who you’re attracted to anyways. [Not that I’ve ever had a problem with that…]

So, I said yes to Ben’s proposal. But before I reached into the freezer case to pull out a Diet Coke, I jokingly looked around and said, “Are any of my students watching?”

Although it was said in jest, both Ben and I knew that there was a lot of truth behind it. As I’ve talked about on the blog before, just because I’m a yoga teacher doesn’t mean that I do everything right. I teach yoga and I try to live it as much as possible, but I also have a major sweet tooth. I struggle with anxiety. I have a weird temper that flares up every once in a while when I get really angry [mostly at Ben or my brothers]. And I LOVE Diet Coke, even though its the worst. 

It's funny, because in a way, being a teacher does hold you accountable. I often think, what would my students think of this? It’s kind of like those “WWJD” bracelets. I remember way back in teacher training when one of my mentors said that she would think twice about flipping through an US Weekly while in line at the grocery store, just in case a student was around. 

I totally get it and I agree, we do have an extra responsibility when we teach yoga, but I also feel like there’s this interesting pull between trying to be the best version of myself that I can be vs. trying to be the "perfect yogi." If I want to have one Diet Coke every couple of months, that’s okay. And if a student saw me drinking it,  I guess that’s okay too. I'm human--we all are.

Do I know that a kombucha or green juice is better for me than a Diet Coke? Of course I do, just like I know that you're supposed to shop around the edges of the grocery store so that you avoid the cookie and candy aisles. But sometimes it's exhausting making the right choices all the time, ya know? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that of course I think it’s important to live your yoga off of the mat and out of the studio, and to be healthy and kind and compassionate and green and do all of these things as best as you can, but I've also come to accept that I'm going to eat Peanut M&Ms sometimes—not every day, but sometimes—and that I'm going to split a Diet Coke with my husband on a random Sunday every once in a while. 

But I don't want to berate myself or judge myself too harshly for it. And if you catch me in the act, I ask you not to judge me too harshly, either--and I’ll be sure to extend the same courtesy to you ;) 

There’s enough judgment in this world already, isn’t there?