Tuesday Truth: Asking For What You Want

When I was little, going to McDonalds was a big treat. Back before I knew that their McRib is made of the same materials as my yoga mat, I loved ol' MickeyDees (didn't we all?). But there was something about our special trips to McDonalds that I hated--was petrified of, really--and that was approaching the counter to ask for more packets of ketchup when I ran out. 

Here's the thing: I love ketchup, and I REALLY love it on my fries. I think fries without ketchup aren't worth eating, and honestly, most things taste better with ketchup. But back in the day, when you asked for it, they would just give you about 2 packets, and I needed 6 times that. 

So, when I ran out (after about, oh, 2 fries), I would always ask my dad to go get me more, and of course, as a parent trying to teach his daughter to be more independent, he would tell me that should go do it. I would beg. I would tear up. I would plead with my brothers to go get them--but my dad wanted me to do it.

Eventually, after trying everything to get someone else to go ask for me (dammit!), I would go up to the counter and  wait in line, totally panicked the entire time, and ask for more ketchup. I still remember how scared I was. 

Even though I can now ask for more ketchup at restaurants (and I often have to!), I still struggle with asking for what I want. When a waitress brings me the wrong order, I get anxiety about telling her that it's wrong, or I just deal with it and eat it anyway to avoid the confrontation.

Sadly, Ben is the same way, and can get weirdly passive when asking for what he wants, as well [He recently asked a waitress to hold the olives on a salad by saying, "And you can hold the olives if you want to." Really, Ben?! Do you think she's dying to hold the olives for you?].

I have friends who will send their food back if there is one tiny thing wrong with it. My grandmother tried to send something back once because it didn't "look like she thought it would." These kinds of people will flag down a waiter or waitress--or even talk to a manager--if something takes too long to come out. They have no problem requesting what they want and feel that it is their right as paying customers to get what they want. 

I was once with a friend who went as far as to ask the waitress if they had black cloth napkins instead of white, because the white one was leaving little pieces of white lint on her black outfit. I never would have even thought to ask for that!? I was crazy impressed.

Although all of my examples here are about ordering food and eating in restaurants, this nervousness about asking for what I want/need bubbles over into every facet of my life, as I'm sure it does for many others who struggle with this.

When I worked in the corporate world, I was scared to death to ask for a raise, even when I new I deserved one. I did it a couple of times, after MUCH obsessing, but it was crazy hard for me. And as we all know from Lean In and all of the other recent discussions about this topic, many women are scared to ask for a promotion because they don't want to rock the boat, or don't think they deserve it, while men struggle much less with this. 

So what gives? Why do some of us struggle so much with asking for what we really want? Why do we have female business owners out there who are making things happen, but are then nervous about asking for more chips + salsa at a Mexican restaurant, or about asking their supplier for a discount due to the shipping delay? Where did this come from? 

There are many explanations, but personally, I think that my nervousness comes from wanting others to like and accept me. I'm a people pleaser and I hate to annoy, or to cause more work for others, or to ask for too much, so often, I just don't ask. It's easier to suck it up than it is to have a difficult conversation, confrontation, or a somewhat negative exchange. Those things aren't very pleasant and peeps, if there's one thing you should know about me, its that I'm all about pleasant.

But I know that I need to get better at speaking up. And if you can relate to some of what I'm talking about here, then so do you.

This past weekend, while drinking a berry smoothie, I somehow got little purple droplets of my drink ALL over my mint-green top (typical...). We were out shopping, and I was sad that my new shirt was probably ruined and that I would look like a total mess for the rest of the day.

My aunt suggested, "Why don't you go see if they have a Tide Pen behind the counter?,"  to which I replied, "I'm sure they don't." It wasn't just that I didn't think they had one, but it was also that I didn't want to ask. I'd already asked them for a couple of extra things (napkins, a second cup, etc.), and I felt I'd met my request quota for the day. 

Without missing a beat, my aunt went up and asked, and wouldn't you know, they had one. I used it on my stains and they ALL came out within 10 minutes. It was a miracle (!!) and if she hadn't asked, I would have worried over those stains all afternoon (and been embarrassed by how crazy I looked). 

So, moral of the story? I need to start asking. You need to start asking. We need to speak up for what we want, what we need, and what we might be interested in finding out. 

Oh, and if you aren't sure that asking for what you want can make a difference in your life, I have a CRAZY stat/scenario to share with you (taken from this video): 

You are given a job offer, and your friend is given the same offer. You don't negotiate your salary because you don't want to come across as ungrateful (I've been there), but your friend does. He gets $7,000 more (annually) than you do. Over 30 years of working, he will eventually be making $100,000 more per year than you.

All because you didn't ask for what you deserved at the beginning. 

Can you believe it? So ask for what you want. Not only might you actually get it, but you also might make a connection, learn something new, or--gasp!--grow as a person. I'm working on it. I hope you are, too...

Need some advice on how to ask for what you want? Here are two great videos on "Communicating with Confidence" and "Negotiation."