Things That Scare Me.

The other night, I had a nightmare about a huge poisonous snake that was living in our house. It was enormous--when resting on the floor it curled around the entire perimeter of a big room and it was at least a few feet thick.

In my dream, the snake had been there all along, hiding behind the furniture and just below the surface, but somehow we hadn't known it was there until we did and then it was petrifying trying to contain it.  

I know this sounds ridiculous, but this dream is rooted in a real experience and an old family "joke:" when we were younger, my reptile-obsessed brother, Peter, had a California King Snake that he kept in a cage in his room. He fed it live baby mice (horrifying), took it out and let it coil around his arms, shoulders + neck, and would put it on the floor or bed and watch it slither around.

At some point, Peter's snake escaped out of it's cage and into the house and was never found again. The snake was small-ish when it escaped (a few feet, perhaps?), but it became family lore that it was living under the house, growing bigger every day, and that someday it would reappear... 

I wasn't necessarily scared of Peter's snake--and definitely wasn't scared of it when it was his caged pet--but I became scared of the idea of something uncontrollable living and growing beneath us. It was the idea of the snake, hidden from view and ready to emerge when we least expected it, that scared me the most. 

I also had midnight terrors as a child (I know I've mentioned them here before) and I still vividly remember those recurring waking nightmares. Although Peter's snake didn't appear in any of those dreams (they happened many years before his first reptilian pet entered the picture), they had a similar framework: my midnight terrors were often based on something growing large and overtaking me, my life, my time, my family.

Which brings me to my present day fears, which are quite different than my childhood fears but share some similarities in that they're often related to uncontrollable forces that are bigger than me and growing in power, or lurking just below the surface, waiting to emerge and swallow me and/or my loved ones whole. 

I know that talking about fears is not inspiring or uplifting and I promise you that I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer; I think it's healthy to put your fears out there so that they don't have as much power over you and I think it's helpful to hear that other people have the same fears that you do--or at least, personally, it makes me feel less crazy + anxiety-ridden to know that I'm not the only one with a given fear.

So, here are some of the fears that lurk in the back of my mind today:

Gun violence in our country. And especially in schools. It's a very scary time to be a student, a parent, a person of color, and/or someone who is in the wrong place at the wrong time in our country. It's especially horrifying to think that kids no longer feel safe at school and I'm already scared of sending Charlie Mae to school one day. 

Salmonella. Somewhere along the way, I became convinced that if you are making food with raw chicken or raw eggs, Salmonella is basically everywhere + on every surface, just waiting to attack. It's funny because I'm not really worried about germs, but when it comes to Salmonella, you cannot wash your hands or surfaces enough to assuage my fear. 

Infidelity. This is one of those things that I just can't imagine having to weather as a couple, but that I know happens in 1/3 of marriages. I can't imagine a life without Ben (and don't want to!) and this is something that I know would end our marriage. Ugh, I hate even typing this/thinking about it. 

Losing a loved one totally unexpectedly. This has gotten worse since becoming a parent, but it's that momentary flash of fear that goes through my mind when my husband and child drive away in a car and I think about what would happen if something happened to them. Again, it's so scary I don't even want to type it. 

Cockroaches. Growing up in GA where they are seemingly everywhere made me *totally petrified* of cockroaches. My biggest nightmare is having one walk across my face while I'm asleep (or eating one accidentally). 

Mental Illness. Terminal Illnesses. Illnesses that eat you from the inside out. Those illnesses that could emerge at any time and take away your life, or your quality of life, or your ability to be there for your loved ones. With every weird ailment my mind immediately jumps to a "What if it's ______" worst-case scenario. 

Donald Trump. I know this might sound like hyperbole to some of you, but our President truly scares me. I'm scared of the things he might do, some of the people he has empowered, and what will happen to our country while he is in power. 

And those are just *some* of my bigger fears...you know I could go on and on (fun-fun!)...

Pretty grim, right? These are not things any of us want to focus on, but there is something real about speaking your fears aloud and then choosing to move through life in a more grounded, present, grateful way despite the fact that they are there. 

Or in the wise words of Pema Chodron (obviously): "When you learn to smile at your fear, to be with your fear, you become an authentic friend to yourself, and thereby develop confidence." 

How can you start making peace with your ever-present fears today?