The Thankless Job of Being The Household Manager {Or, My Struggles with The Invisible Workload/Emotional Labor/Mental Load that Women Carry}

Image above: Charlie Mae sees the path ahead of her and is NOT impressed. If nothing else, we need to change this system to give our daughters another option!
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On Mother's Day, my social media feeds were filled with sweet posts about moms. They were really beautiful and I loved reading them--especially the ones written by husbands about their wives. You know the posts I'm talking about, right? The husband posts about his amazing wife and how much she does for the family, the household, and the kids. He says how grateful he is for her and her ability to hold everything together despite _____. 

But then Mother's Day passes and the mom featured in said post goes back to grinding it out. Or maybe she doesn't even get a break (not a real one) on Mother's Day--I'm sure lots of mothers were left cleaning up the kitchen after their husbands and kids made them breakfast, or folding laundry and catching up on their own work while their partners napped off their "exhausting" mornings with the kids.  

The conversation about the mental load (often called emotional labor and/or The Invisible Workload) that women and mothers carry around is not a new one, but it feels like it's been everywhere lately and as a new[ish] mom who has just recently started to feel the effects of this phenomenon, it's become increasingly important to me. 

[Note: Many articles about this subject have captured the issue way more succinctly than I ever could, so I've included a couple of my favorite posts about this subject at the bottom of this post.]

Before I go any further into my own experience with this frustrating subject, I should say that this post is not a critique of Ben at all. Ben is an amazing father and husband; he carries quite a mental load himself and does a lot around our house: he cooks all of our dinners, he does almost all of our grocery shopping, he pays all of our bills and maintains our yard, he does his own laundry. Three nights per week, he comes home from work and immediately handles all evening Charlie Mae duties while I head out to teach yoga. 

But what he doesn't understand and will never understand is the hefty mental burden that I carry around at all times as our Full-Time Household and Child Manager. 

[And Historian. And Administrator. And Scheduler. And Organizer. And Decorator.]

Ben has never had to think about what season is coming up and whether or not Charlie Mae has appropriate clothes that fit her for that season. He has never done a single load of her laundry, has never clipped her fingernails, has never even thought about whether or not we have enough diapers or wipes. He doesn't have to worry about her daycare schedule and who will drop her off and pick her up. When she gets a splinter in her foot, he isn't the one researching the best way to get it out and then holding her down while she screams and he tries to remove it. 

Ben has never changed out a roll of toilet paper in our house and when something is missing, he has no idea where to look (duh). He has never changed out a moldy shower curtain or washed a bath mat or cleaned off the base of the electric toothbrush. Every time that Sayde has an accident in our house (which unfortunately, happens more regularly than we'd like), I have to ask him to clean it up and he then asks me how to do so (despite having done it himself many times in the past).

I write the thank you notes and remind Ben to call and thank people who give him gifts. I remind him to make doctor's appointments for himself--or rather, I beg him to make doctor's appointments for himself and often have to research the doctor and give him the name and number of a doctor covered by our insurance before he actually calls.

While I was out of town this past weekend (with our child), Ben called to tell me that Sayde had gotten into some sort of nighttime altercation with a critter when he let her out (yikes!) and that unbeknownst to him, had bled all over our comforter and sheets. When I got home a few days later, I saw that the comforter was still on our bed, that our sheets were still splashed with blood, and that Ben had no intention of handling the situation; he'd rather just sleep on bloody sheets. 

Again, this is not meant to be a bitchfest about Ben, but rather, a comment on what we Household Managers have to handle and think about that the non-Household Managers don't have to handle or think about. It's a post meant to show you that even as a feminist--and as someone who came into my relationship, marriage, and parenting experience focused on equality and sharing the responsibilities--we've fallen into the exact same roles that SO many couples do. Because these roles are ingrained in us since childhood. 

Despite the fact that we both work and my schedule is just as full as his (if not more so!), I am still the de facto CEO of the household, too. I have to remember what has to be done and ask Ben do to it. I have to delegate ("nag"), remind ("nag"), and cajole ("nag"). Often, I end up having to just do it myself rather than have the fight caused by the "nagging" it takes to get him to do the things I ask him to do.  

It's exhausting.

And I can't imagine what it would be like with 3 kids, or a job that required me to be in an office 40+ hours per week, or with a partner who had a much more demanding work schedule. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that it feels like no one is immune to this disease of inequality in the home because it takes GREAT effort to undo what year and years and years of gender inequality have done to our household roles--and ain't no frazzled mom got the time or energy it would take to even things out. It's easier to just do it herself and move on to the next thing. 

BUT! We can try. And I've decided to try harder because it's important to me to model a different way for Charlie Mae as she gets older.

I've sent Ben some Required Reading (he loves when I do this) and fellow Household Managers, if this post speaks to you, you can do the same. If you haven't already, read the following articles and then send them to your partner!

• You Should've Asked: A MUST-READ in comic form. It explains how we got here and offers solutions!
• Women Aren't Nags--We're Just Fed Up: YASSSSSS. 
• The Default Parent: A really funny take on this same subject. 
  
  

And once you've done that, do some of the small things that Emma recommends at the end of her "You Should've Asked" comic:

• Go back and start from the beginning and divide up recurring chores.
• Learn to be okay with things lying around until your partner handles them (if it's one of his duties). 
• When you remember to do so, purposefully leave the house without preparing everything for your partner and make him handle things on his own (this is how we learn!). 
  
  

We can do it, you guys. Household Managers UNITE!

***One more note: I know I primarily refer to male husbands and partners in this post, but that's just because from what I've read and known, this scenario typically happens most in heterosexual partnerships. That being said, as M. Blazoned so aptly points out in her article, this issue could arise for anyone who is the "Default Parent" or Household Manager due to how work/life responsibilities are set-up in your home.