The Highs and Lows of Life

Me, Christopher (our ring bearer), and Anita at our Rehearsal

Ever since I started my blog, I've been overjoyed to share the highs of life--moments of happiness, inspiration, awareness, humor, gratitude--but I've struggled with sharing the lows. I want Starr Struck to be a place where you, as readers, go to be uplifted, encouraged, moved, and energized. But, I think that it's also important to acknowledge that life is full of both the wonderful moments and the devastating moments, and although I try not to dwell on the negative moments in my own life and on this blog, I do think that there is a lot to be learned from the low points in life--a lot that we can give to each other by sharing them. So today, I feel it's necessary to share what's going on in my life, so that you can understand my shifting experience and perspective.

For the past 5 years or so, my stepmom, Anita, has suffered from Ovarian Cancer. When it was discovered, she was already Stage 4, meaning that her cancer was extremely advanced. But, she's fought it with a vengeance over the past 5 years, living much longer than the average Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer patient does, and experiencing a great sense of gratitude for her body along the way. I've been repeatedly impressed by her strength and perseverance in the face of this battle, and was extremely moved when she came out of the ICU and remained on a feeding tube for two weeks (when she was supposed to be getting surgery) in order to attend our wedding. However, this past weekend we received news that after her most recent surgery (postponed until after the wedding), things did not go as they had hoped; there is nothing else that can be done, and she is going to be moved into hospice care. Understandably, we're all devastated. I'm devastated. I'm still processing and am somewhat numb, and at times, am finding it very hard to be my typically positive, glass-is-half-full self. 

It felt strange to ignore this huge change in my life and continue writing about other subjects today,  but I was also torn because writing about this subject is very hard for me. It's a subject that I've tried not to touch for so long because it immediately brings up all sorts of emotions for people--sorrow, pity, anger, sadness, denial, and tough memories. Writing about the "life lessons" gleaned from this kind of situation is also difficult, as they often come across as cliches, as forced, or as fake attempts to make something horrible sound better. For those who have experienced a situation like this (and I know that there are many of you out there, because terminal illness is so very prevalent), you probably know what it feels like to hear that there's no more hope for someone you love. It's a very scary place to live--especially for those of us who like to look at the bright side, and who always hope for the best...

But, what I have to keep telling myself through whatever unfolds in the next steps of this part of life's journey, is that this is life. Life isn't just the happy moments--it isn't just falling in love, or the perfect wedding day, or the feeling of bliss after an amazing yoga class, or getting lost in conversation and laughter with your best friends--life is also about loss, about being there for those that matter most to you, about being there when a life comes to an end, or when it gets really hard, or scary, or lonely, or unknown. If anything, this type of news is a huge reminder to soak up the present moment and to live for the present moment, because life is just so impermanent.

At this point, I don't want to wax on much more about these subjects because I don't think that I have anything new to say about them, or anything that you haven't heard--but what I want to remind all of us is that community, support, love, and family is what it's all about. Sure, it's stressful when Metro shuts down for Frankenstorm, or when they're out of flashlights and water at CVS, or when you have to wait in a long line at the grocery store (all things that happened to us over the weekend and caused a bit of stress!), but these are nothing but #firstworldproblems in the grand scheme of things. Gaining perspective can be a very powerful phenomenon.

I'll be heading down to Atlanta on Wednesday (hopefully, after Sandy has come and gone!) to spend some much-needed time with my stepmom and family. We have no timeline or idea of how much time we have left, but I want to soak up as much of it as possible. In the meantime, I'll be trying my best to go about normal life (because there's something comforting in routine, isn't there?) and sending lots of love, light, safety, and strength out to all of my readers. 

Thanks for sticking with me through the ups and downs of life.

Namaste,
Mary Catherine

P.S. I hope all of my fellow DC-ers stay safe in the crazy weather that Sandy is bringing our way! Get your comfy clothes and candles ready...