On Being a CrossFit Widow (or Widower): A How-to Guide & 10 Relationship Tips

2/12/2013

In our household (er, apartmenthold), the term "CrossFit Widow" is thrown around a lot. Mostly by me. Well, only by me. But, I've found that this term perfectly describes what I've gone through in the 4+ years since my husband, Ben, has been doing CrossFit--and especially in the 2+ years that he's been doing it more competitively.

Here's the thing: I love CrossFit. I really do! I think it is super fun and it's an amazing workout and a perfect yang to yoga's yin and all of that (read more about why I do it here)--but my love for CrossFit has NOTHING on Ben's love for it. I go to class, workout, come home, and I'm done.

Ben goes to class early to do an extra-long "mobility session," then he does class, then he stays after class for 30-40 minutes doing something extra or working on a specific skill, then he comes home, and proceeds to watch CrossFit videos on the iPad all night. Or if he's not watching a video, he's reading a CrossFit blog, or the CrossFit journal, or checking out other CrossFit gyms and what workouts they're doing, or writing down workout plans for the next 6-weeks, or recording what he did that day.

Our apartment is covered in little scraps of paper with weekly workout schedules on them. We have a set of kettlebells in our dining room (no joke! picture below!), we have a rowing machine in our bedroom (no joke, picture below!), and the corner of our living room is filled with an abmat, "slamball," medicine ball, foam roller, etc. (again, picture below). He also recently asked if I thought we could fit a squat rack and a few weights in our 975 sq. ft. apartment. Ha!

So yeah, I call myself a CrossFit Widow. At times, it feels like I've lost him completely to his love for CrossFit. Maybe I'm being a *bit* dramatic, but CrossFit IS the other woman in his life, and I know that I'm not the only person out there who feels this way.

Therefore, today I've compiled a list of 10 tips for others who may be in the same--or a similar--boat. I hope that by sharing the things I've learned over the past 5 years, I'll be able to save some of you from the many disagreements that we've had over our CrossFit love triangle...

A How-To Guide for CrossFit Widows/Widowers: 10 Tips for a Better Relationship

1. If your partner does CrossFit (or starts doing CrossFit) and you don't already do it, start. Even if you just go every once in a while, understanding CrossFit and being able to talk about it with them will do major things for your relationship. I can't imagine what would happen if I didn't do CrossFit (no conversation at the dinner table?). This will save your relationship! And I'm only half-kidding when I say this...

2. Every once in a while, watch a CrossFit video with your partner. It makes them really happy when you do this.

3. If your partner wants to buy equipment that isn't *too* expensive and fits in your home, let them. Honestly, it's one more reason for them to stick around/workout nearby, and it can be a really fun way to do workouts together.

4. Learn the names of the previous CrossFit Games winners. If you don't, you'll often feel very left out of conversations with friends (or, won't understand when your partner names his/her equipment after people...).

5. Cheer them on when they're doing really well, but when they're not doing well or are frustrated, don't cheer them on. I learned this the hard way.

6. Always "ooh" and "ahh" at all of their tales of PRs, amazing newly-acquired skills, pictures on blogs, and big muscles (hehe!). They love it and it brings you closer if they can constantly talk about CrossFit around the house.

7. Take lots of pictures of them doing CrossFit. Post them in a public place. CrossFitters LOVE seeing pictures of themselves lifting weights or jumping on boxes.

8. From the beginning, set up parameters re: how long a workout can last on the weekends. Say, "please be back in 2 hours so that we can spend time with each other." Trust me on this one--if you don't do this, their weekend workouts will often take up the entire day. This is not a joke, it has happened to me many, many times.

9. Buy them CrossFit Reebok or Lululemon gear. It makes them really happy and reminds them that you're around, and that you'd love to hang out with them whenever they're done CrossFitting ;)

10. Whatever you do, don't out-CrossFit them. I've never done this, so don't know what would happen, but if I became even more into CrossFit than Ben, I think the world would explode. I wouldn't dare try it (and honestly, really don't want to).

So there you have it! hope my fellow-CrossFit Widows/Widowers find this helpful!

If you're looking for more CrossFit relationship advice, check out my past post, "10 Ways to Prepare Yourself for Dating/Marrying/Becoming a CrossFitter."

Namaste!
Mary Catherine

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Mary Catherine

2/11/2013 11:10:12 pm

After putting up this post this morning, one of my fellow CF Widows made the following comments on my Facebook post about it:

11. Make friends with some other crossfit widows so that you both have double date partners (or weekend date partners for competition weekends) or so that you have someone to truly commiserate with you.

12. Make sure both your parents and you parents-in-law have some understanding of what crossfit is and why your partner loves it otherwise, they will be HOUNDING you about why he/she is gone all the time or has to miss family occasions for competition workouts

13. Set rules early, like "no, I will not name my first son Matt Chan Brown or daughter Julie Foucher Brown"

14. Learn how to eat paleo or how to cook paleo or how to NOT FEEL GUILTY when your partner is eating paleo and you're not (and how not to indulge as heavily in cheat meals as he/she does because face it, you haven't been eating clean all week)

Thank you, Erica. These are FABULOUS additions!
xo

Greg Smith link

2/12/2013 10:27:44 am

Mary Catherine --

I agree with you and the additions as they also work for when your wife is a complete Yoga addict as well as an instructor.

It works to let her know that you are paying attention as a not so involved spouse. That you understand the nomenclature and that you do have an interest in what they are doing and the people they are doing it with.

And you're exactly right, my attending a yoga class once a month really allows her the freedom to be comfortable in the fact that I am ok with all she is doing.

Greg (yogawidower) @
http://www.yogafinds.com

2/12/2013 09:03:31 pm

Good point, Greg! This doesn't just apply to CrossFit--it applies to ANYTHING with which our partner is totally obsessed! Thanks for the note and for reading ;)

Micha link

2/12/2013 08:49:49 am

I love it! I can totally relate, especially the crossfit youtube sessions.

2/12/2013 09:05:33 pm

Thanks, Micha! I think there are lots out there who are in a similar situation... ;) Love your blog! Thanks for reading! xoxo

Carol Norman

2/12/2013 09:46:14 am

I think you are a very wise, wonderful patient young woman and Ben is a lucky guy!! Love, Grammy

2/12/2013 09:03:52 pm

Haha! Thanks SO much, Grammy ;) xoxo

Holly Preble

3/10/2013 03:44:53 am

Oh to turn back the clocks to my life before he drank the Kool Aid.... I love what it has done for his body, as he is in the military and now he no longer has to worry about height and weight. Being in great shape can be life or death in his line of work. That being said today will be spent obsessing over the computer to see if anyone else joined the open and if so how it changed his ranking. Ugh!!!!

Leigh

10/28/2013 12:44:59 am

These are great tips, but what about when all of the above applies, AND the spouse is a CrossFit coach? Not coming home until 10, 11, 12 at night, gone most of the day on Saturday, plus the 8-5 job ... Ugh.

Susan

11/8/2014 08:38:02 pm

Leigh, I wish I could talk to you!
I am in the same boat, in addition he trains this girl and has become friends with her. I am not jealous other than we miss him at home and it takes away time from building intimacy with his own family.

Patrick

5/14/2015 10:57:49 pm

I am a crossfit widower. I understand your situation so very well, but I have to say, and please take it with peace (because I am so distraught about this I cannot bear to make another enemy), Your suggestions applied to my situation would translate into enabling an obsessive compulsion. My wife of 32 years gives all she has to crossfit and we, me and the eight children, get the leftovers. She looks amazing and she has never been healthier. But she is becoming resentful of ther role in the home (when she is there). She now hates cooking (which she used to love), she has no energy left for the home or any of us. The house is almost completely neglected. And we still have a six year old who misses her terribly. I have tried to deal with this as peacefully and lovingly as I can but she takes it as a form of rejection. The kids have also tried. We are almost desperate. She competed last week and we all went to support her. I saw her apply super-human effort that day and it really upset me because we get practically none of that effort anymore. It all goes to a hobby, an outside interest. I dont want her to quit crossfit. I just want balance.

Mary

12/10/2015 12:21:14 pm

Yes. This. Physical fitness is great, and hobbies are great. But when it becomes to the severe neglect of family, there gets to be a point where I am no longer cheering him on, I am enabling. There is an OCD aspect to this, and it's not ok. I feel abandoned and so does our 5-yr-old. One can get plenty of exercise and be physically fit without it consuming them. Moreover, marriage is a two-way street. Maybe it's really boring for me to hear about his workouts all of the time. He should try to be more interesting and well rounded for the sake of our relationship. I would feel badly if I got obsessed with, say, Pilates, and spoke of nothing else. I did try Crossfit, and it's not for me. I am not into that sort of a workout. This has gone too far. Including the televised workouts, paleo podcasts in the car, wanting to do pull ups on everything, including our canopy bed which is not meant to hold weight! Totally over this and hope it's a phase. He's at CrossFit right now. It is 12:20 PM. We are supposed to be somewhere at 3 and I need to get a bunch of stuff before then, plus shower, plus pick up child from school. Once you commit to marriage and kids, you have to stop being so self absorbed and make sure you are putting in the time for your wife and children. It's less of what he's into and more of the inability to grow up and take responsibility that has me irked.

12/10/2015 12:25:58 pm

I should add that I have a 101.5 fever right now. And so it is hard to absorb that he is having a nice workout, and I am sick and *we* have a ton of stuff to do. He will not be home for hours...better hop to it. 😒

Lory

1/18/2016 06:48:37 am

I would agree. My husband has now fallen out of love with me and had chosen Cross fit and adding Long distant running to his routine. He is in denial that he has any issues with addiction to it and now has asked for a DIVORCE. We have a 7 year old son that thinks he walks on water. My Husband does not see any of the what he has walked away from .. I hope it is all worth it

5/14/2015 11:16:03 pm

If my wife was seeing another man, in a weird sense, I could almost deal with that better because I could use how wrong it is as a compelling case. But how does one argue against something so positive, so healthy, so encouraging, so uplifting, so bad-ass? Only an asshole would do that right? At 51, my wife is in an age group whereas she receives over-the-top praise and compliments and the small number of CFers in that age group entices her to compete more. This woman has lost 90 pounds and kept it off for three years. This mother of eight looks like she is in her thirties. I so love that and I tell her often. I never want her to be obese and pre-diabetic as she was and I tell her that often. But we need our girl back in the family and a disconnected gym star is not the proper substitute for a sick and sad overweight mom. There must be some middle ground.

Andrew

8/26/2015 12:00:32 pm

I couldn't agree with you more. If it's not crossfit, it's facebook. Every conversation is about crossfit. It's not the person I married, but who wants to dump something that is uplifting their spirit? Besides, I love hanging out with the kids and I guess this gives more time with them. It's a double edger when I hear how she feels she's missing out on them growing up... Well, spend some time with them! Come home before they're in bed instead of a session. When they are around, put the cell phone down and actually check out what they're doing instead of what tomorrow's WOD is. I did the workouts a few times. It's a nice little dose of circuit training, and the mixups really help keep things interesting, but it is just a workout. I definitely don't feel as though I or my kids are as important as crossfit (obviously they are, it just doesn't show at all.)

AgreeToDisagree

12/13/2016 06:41:16 am

Amen! In a similar boat. Proud of the healthy benefits, not happy about the obsession. When is it enough? Fitness is a fabulous goal, lifting the weight of a hippo is no longer "functional fitness" it's feeding an ego. The obssessive nature of overeating and self loathing has been replaced by working out, but their are a million other ways to love yourself including being emotionally connected to your spouse and children.

Not an Enabler

1/7/2017 02:01:41 pm

I am also a crossfit widow, but in my guy's case I don't think it was all positive effects. His multiple hours at the "box" leave him so drained of energy that he is moody and grumpy and pretty much unable to enjoy any other aspects of his life. While the physical effects are stunning, his own emotional outlook has suffered greatly (and mine too as a result). Oh, and his libido is gone. What is the point of looking good nekkid if you are too tired to have any fun? But despite the negative effects on him emotionally, he's still addicted to this stuff, and I am miserable because of it.

tback

3/14/2016 07:25:28 pm

Alternate title for this blog post: "10 tips for feeding the (already overinflated) crossfitter's ego."
1. Do not hold the crossfitter's responsible for rarely being at home,

2. Join crossfit whether you want to or not, feign interest in crossfit videos & events, and learn crossfit jargon, so you two have something to talk about, all while the crossfitter puts zero effort into your relationship nor even pretends to care about what interests you.

3. Posts pictures online of your partner doing crossfit stuff so people think you're proud when you're actually resentful

4. Talk about about how fit & healthy the crossfitter is in order to conceal the damage being done to your relationship.

Pathetic.

Cris

7/13/2016 11:33:04 am

I really liked your article and your 10 tips! I am the crossfitter and my husband the widower.. it's unfortunate because anything I do to try to help him understand my passion, he is extremely quick to deny, avoid, pick at or criticize. I am trying to be a more competitive CF masters athlete because I never had the courage as a younger person to be competitive at anything, but he just doesn't understand and is not willing to try. He won't CF, he won't buy me CF gear, he won't listen to me talk about it, he won't watch with me.. he basically will not do anything that has anything to do with CF. I am not able to get an better as an athlete so I can reach that podium finish because of his resentment of the sport. I am not able to train the way a competitive athlete trains (I am only 'allowed' to train 3-4 times per week) and now I am beginning to resent him for not supporting me and allowing me this one thing before it is too late for me. I don't know what to do anymore.. and it is driving a wedge between us.. do I give up my dream????

12/13/2016 06:02:14 am

If my husband were seeing another woman, I would know better how to deal with this situation. However, CrossFit is so coveted and anyone who points out the obsessive nature of it seems to be regarded as the enemy. I am sick of seeing articles telling me how to better encourage and support the prioritization of a sport or hobby. It is absolutely normal and natural to feel hurt and disappointed when your spouse would prefer to put enormous effort into something else including a whole other "family." People who decide to place a hobby above their family should leave their family completely so we can move on with our lives instead of hoping someday we will get to be a more significant part of theirs.

I have passions too, but I do not abandon my family for them and if I see that they are starting to overtake me, I check myself. At the end of my life, my faith, relationships, and how I positively impacted the world will be most important to me. I love my husband and I support him, but this has gotten so crazy and I know he's not even doing as much as he would like to. I no longer fit in his world, but I'm not sure if he's ready to admit it.

If a person were having an affair, a therapist would recommend they discontinue seeing the other person and focus on ways to find common ground and fix the marriage. Many people seem to forget about the commitment part of marriage. I tried to do crossfit. I did it for a month. Anything that makes me feel like vomiting isn't really my thing. I know if I tried to convince him to do yoga, it wouldn't be his thing either and that's OK. I just wish we could find something to do together, but it's not going to happen. CF is his Goddess.

Sorry for the rant. Just sad, defeated, and hurt.

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