On Backing-Out + Letting People Down: Why I Had to Reschedule My Fall Yoga Retreat + Why I'm Okay With It

Last summer, fresh off of our amazing Namaste Nantucket Yoga Retreat, my co-leader Laura and I were looking at our 2017 schedules in order to determine when we should offer the retreat again. We knew we wanted to make it a regular thing, but I was super pregnant at the time and somewhat nervous about scheduling for 2017, as I had no idea what life with a baby would look like.

We went back and forth, talked about options, and finally, I came the conclusion that I would be able to make September 2017 work ("The baby will be over a year at that point, so she won't need me as much and Ben should be comfortable staying home with her on his own..."), so we booked it. And advertised it. And started planning and receiving deposits. 

And then once I had Charlie Mae and the retreat began to creep closer every month,  I started to stress about it. When January of this year rolled around, the stress ratcheted up a notch: would I be ready to leave my baby for a week in just 8 months? She still hadn't taken a bottle at that point (and still hasn't, of course), and I was worried about making sure she was weaned by then. I didn't like the idea of having a hard and fast date by which I would have to stop breastfeeding and couldn't imagine being away from her for that long anytime soon.

However, I'd made a commitment and we'd already planned everything, so I pushed my worries aside and kept on moving forward.

But try as I might, every time I thought about the retreat--something I love doing--I felt a knot in my stomach and a sense of dread. How could I possibly do it? It felt overwhelming and crazy, but at the same time, I felt like there was nothing I could do because we'd paid the deposit, made it public, and accepted registrants. It was too late to change anything...right?

And then after weeks of internal gnawing, I finally realized what I had to do: I had to back-out. I had to "let people down" in order to take care of myself. Whether Charlie Mae would be ready by then or not, I could tell that I would not be ready; and even if I did end up ready, I knew that the months of stressing about it wouldn't be worth it.

So, I called Laura, and then called our fabulous retreat location contact, and emailed the retreaters who had already paid their deposits and guess what? It was all fine. Everyone understood and we didn't run into any issues. The retreat was far enough away that we were able to reschedule it for June 2018 and it's still happening--this time when Charlie Mae will be almost 2 and I know I'll be able to handle it. 

The thing that I want you to know about this whole debacle, though, is how good it felt to "fail" at meeting this commitment. It didn't feel good telling everyone that I needed to reschedule, and of course I hated letting people down, but in the end, it felt good because a ginormous weight was lifted off of my shoulders; the world kept spinning, it didn't make a huge impact on anyone's life except mine (because the retreat was still 8 months away, after all), and now I'll be able to give the retreat my FULL attention when it actually does happen in 2018. 

Over the years, I've spent a lot of time doing things that I don't want to be doing or shouldn't be doing--things that cause me great stress and make my life really hard--simply because I feel guilty and don't want to let people down. Although that wasn't  the case with this retreat because I really did want to lead it this year, I'm learning that letting people down in order to take care of myself (and my baby) is sometimes a must. 

No, I don't want to make a habit of it and I don't recommend that you do, either, but if you only back-out of things when absolutely necessary for your sanity, your family, or your health, it's okay. It really is. And kind people understand. They may be disappointed and that's totally fair, but they'll understand and won't hold it against you if you do it in the right way and are honest about your needs.  

So, if you're wondering what happened to this year's Namaste Nantucket Retreat, there you go. If you want to join us in June 2018, you can sign up to reserve your space here (I know it's CRAZY early to be planning 2018 so you can obviously wait to snag your spot, but it is up and officially open already). And I promise you that I won't back out again.

A huge thanks to everyone who was so understanding about this and readers, if you get nothing else from this post, I hope that it makes you feel less alone the next time that you have to back-out of something in order to save yourself months of anxiety, stress, and/or logistical nightmares.  

Ps. If this sounds somewhat familiar to you, that's because this is not the first time I've had to change retreat plans because of motherhood complications. See this post about last year's Costa Rica Retreat + the threat of the Zika virus when I was pregnant. Ugh. Life, huh? So unpredictable!