I Choose This.

There was a day last week when I was feeling pretty frazzled. Mentally, I was being pulled in two different directions: it was a non-daycare day, so Charlie Mae was home with me, but I also had a bunch of client emails coming in about work that needed to be done ASAP.

The two places where I put most of my time + energy were competing in my mind--my work needed me and my daughter needed me. And I needed them both. 

I found myself feeling that familiar sense of anxiety creep in...and a sense of resentment and undirected anger. I never have enough time for all of my work. I hate having to choose between my daughter and my work. I hate feeling like I never get to spend as much time with Charlie Mae as I want to...

And then out of nowhere, I was struck with a thought: but I have chosen this life. And I continue to choose it again and again. I have TOTAL free will when it comes to my situation and I have made all of the choices that have led me to this moment. And I continue to make those same choices. 

We could add another day of daycare if I really wanted to or needed to. Our daycare has the space and we can afford it. Or I could take on less work so that I don't have as much on my plate; of course we need my income, but we could make it work if that's what I wanted.  

But I don't want to put my child into another day of daycare because I would miss her too much and it would make me too sad. And I don't want to scale back my work any more than I already have because I enjoy it too much and I love the sense of purpose and satisfaction that it gives me. 

So I choose this. It's messy and lacks the boundaries and padding that I like, but it's what I want. And I'll continue to choose it until [or unless] there comes a time when it is truly no longer working. But until then, I want to let go of the anger and frustration that I feel towards no one (myself?) around my chosen situation.

There is no perfect balance, or job, or home-life situation. Anyone who makes it look like they've got it all figured out doesn't--not really, not one hundred percent. But maybe what sets me apart from the person who seems to have things more "figured out" is that she has accepted her situation and learned to work with it.

Therefore, this is going to be my new mantra every time I start to feel those negative feelings bubble up: I choose this. I have chosen this. I keep choosing this. If I am not happy with things, I can make another choice and change them.

But for now, I choose this.