From Exercise Addict to Normal, Active Mama

I think you all know by now that I struggled with an eating disorder for most of my teenage years. I have memories of hating my body + appearance from around second grade on, and I started acting on those feelings by controlling my eating starting in 9th grade. After going through treatment for anorexia and bulimia a few years later, I was "better," but still struggled with eating issues well into college. 

I've talked about this here many times before, so I know it's not news to any of you regular readers.

But what I haven't talked about *quite* as much is the exercise addiction that went hand-in-hand with my disordered eating and body image issues. And that's because this addiction continued for much longer than the eating disorder did...and was often hard to identify because exercise is healthy, right!?!

When someone is addicted to exercise, it can often seem like she's just really into fitness and "taking care of her body." Exercise addicts are often praised for their commitment to the gym, to staying in shape, to putting their health above everything else.

But what it often overlooked is that for many (not all) exercise addicts, those trips to the gym or to class aren't about being healthy at all, they're about making up for eating or drinking, for "overdoing it," or even as way to beat themselves up for not being "perfect" [often subconsciously, of course].

For many years I went to the gym or went running religiously; not because it felt good to exercise, but because I was petrified that if I didn't go--for even one day--I would get fat, lose control, be labeled as "lazy." 

There have been times in my life when I didn't have an active eating disorder, but when I was working out twice a day, or spending over an hour on the elliptical (waiting to hit a certain number of calories burned), or going on a run when I was so hungover that I could hardly move [hello, college self!].

Even after I found yoga--which I found because I had literally run my pelvis into the ground and had a stress fracture in my sacrum from pounding on the pavement--I still had to do it EVERY DAY because if I didn't, I was afraid I would spiral out of control.

Clearly not healthy. 

But obviously, my relationship with exercise has changed a lot over the years. I credit most of that change to yoga, which taught me to love, listen to, and honor my body, but it has also happened naturally as my life situation has changed, and as my focus has shifted off of myself/my body and onto my business, my family, raising my child, etc. 

Late last week, I took a really challenging cycle class (shout-out Elite Nation Cycle!) and it felt so darn good. I was sweating, I was tired, I was breathing heavily, and my big, pregnant belly was bouncing, but as I pumped my legs I couldn't help but think about how different this workout felt than similar workouts did in my past life.

I still like to push myself, but I like to do it now because it feels good (afterward), because it's good for me, because I want to be fit and active enough to play with my children, and because I need a mental break from all of the thinking + care-taking in my life.

Some days I like crazy intense workouts, some days I like family walks, some days I like yoga, some days I like doing nothing (LOL), but no matter what I'm doing, the end goal is no longer "to keep myself from getting fat." And that's super freeing. 

Are there still days when I feel bigger than I want to be? Absolutely. Do I still feel myself slipping into those negative, self-critical thinking patterns sometimes? Oh yeah. Do I still wish I was smaller? Sure. But these thoughts don't consume me now and frankly, I have too many other [much more important] things to think about today. 

Now when I think about exercising, I think a lot about what I want to model for my daughter (and eventually, my son): I want my children to see that being active is simply a lifestyle, and part of being an active person is moving your body and moving it in ways that are sometimes challenging--but that movement can come in lots of different forms.

Exercise is not a punishment for eating. It's not something you "have" to do. It's something you choose to do because it makes you feel good inside of your amazing body. 

Case in point: the other day, Charlie Mae was playing with her stuffed animals, and she made one of them say to the others, "Bye, I'm going to yoga now!" [heart = melting]. I hope she always thinks of movement like this--as just another part of everyday life, something so basic that even her toys do it regularly.