 I took the first pic above when I was 39 weeks pregnant with Teddy (and I had him 4 days later). I took the second pic when he was a few days over 2 weeks old. I took the third pic on Tuesday, a few days after he turned 39 weeks old. As I look at this little sequence of images, I'm reminded of a sentiment expressed in an Instagram post that I shared in my story last week (by @mytherapisthelps): Bad news: a lot can change in a year. Good news: a lot can change in a year. These past few months of Teddy's short life have been hard, but they've also been filled with amazing growth, love, laughter, + more time at home as a family than ever expected at 8-9 months postpartum. Life, huh? What we're going through right now is CRAZY (and for those who have been personally touched by COVID-19, devastating), but sometime in the not-too-distant future this time period will be just a memory. I hope we can all keep this in mind as we stay at home and take care of one another... Side note: I still CANNOT believe that babies grow in bellies. How magical is that!?!?!?! Sending *so much* love from our home to yours.   Well, here we are: my last day of daycare this week and thus, my last full "work day" before our new baby comes. Sure, technically he could come a week or so after my due date, which would mean I'd have a few more daycare days before he arrives, but I'm pretty much closing things down this week so I'm calling today my last real work day (plus I taught my last yoga class on Saturday!). As my due date draws nearer, I've been getting lots of questions about preparing for birth this time around: how I feel going into it again, what I'm doing differently to try and avoid the traumatic experience that I had last time, etc., so I thought that for my final post before baby (which is what I've decided this is...), I'd share my hopes + dreams for this labor--obviously something I have ABSOLUTELY no control over, which I'm even more aware of now... Just like when I was preparing for Charlie Mae's birth, I hope to have an unmedicated birth experience this time; I want to be able to feel and remember everything that happens in my body, both good and bad. So in order to set myself up for this experience as much as possible, I (or we) hired an amazing doula (shout-out Lindsay!). I am confident that having her with us during labor will make us much more comfortable throughout the entire experience, no matter what happens. And I'm hopeful that all of the tools she has in her toolbox will allow for more mid-labor troubleshooting that could help us avoid what happened last time around. I also really want to labor in the water. I spent 3/4 of my 36-ish hour labor with Charlie Mae in the shower, as it was one of the only things that provided me any sort of relief from my back labor, so I've changed hospitals to a hospital that, while further away, has a birthing tub. My hope is to labor in this tub as long as possible and then get out only to push. While I would LOVE to have a water birth, I've been advised that this might not be best for me since I had an episiotomy last time (considered a 4th degree tear and makes me more susceptible to tearing again). Another aspect of changing hospitals is that it feels like a clean slate and a fresh start. Although I don't blame anyone or anything about the hospital where I had Charlie Mae for how traumatic her birth was, it was traumatic for me nonetheless, and I think going back there might be a little triggering. Going somewhere that looks different and has a completely different staff feels like a chance for a re-do, which is mentally something I needed to feel before jumping back into this big physical journey. I've also been listening to only positive birth stories similar to the birth I would like (on The Birth Hour) to help with my confidence and get me back into the birthing mindset. I've been doing my Spinning Babies exercises multiple times per day to get my currently-posterior [AGAIN] baby to turn around inside the womb. I've got my hospital bag mostly packed and my checklists read to go. I'm starting to feel ready! At this point, I'm getting really excited about meeting our little guy and once again, trusting that my body can do this--especially now that I've done it before, birth trauma or not. Positive thinking is what I've got to hold onto now and I'm holding on with all my might. Thank you SO much for all of your love + encouragement throughout this pregnancy (and as I mourned the loss before it). I can't wait to share our new baby with you once he's here!!! Stay tuned on social media for updates and I promise to share here on the blog ASAP after he's born :)   As of today, my due date is just 25 days away. With this in mind, I figured it was about time to fill you all in {current clients + students, potential clients, blog readers, audio class takers, etc.} on what's going to be happening in Starr Struck-land while I'm out on maternity leave. If it isn't obvious, I should mention that when you work for yourself, you don't get paid leave of any kind. When I stop working for any period of time, I stop making money. That's just the way it is. But luckily, I have a husband who gets amazing paid paternity leave (he's taking 12 weeks off!) and we've known that this time of no income was ahead of us (clearly), so we were able to save so that I can take this time off without us being super stressed about finances the whole time. But of course it's weird to step away when you run your own business (or when you are the business). It's hard for me to hand off client projects, to get subs for my classes, to stop consulting, blogging, and teaching workshops on the regular. It's necessary and it's what I want to do to be totally present with my family, but it's really hard. Also, I learned some valuable lessons last time around, so I'm applying them to my plan for leave with this babe: last time I went back too early {because Charlie Mae was such a good sleeper from 6-10 weeks...HAHAHAHHAHAHA}, I tried to take on too much too quickly when I did go back, and I didn't have the right child care situation figured out (but of course I didn't know that until it was too late and I was completely overwhelmed). So, this time I'm giving myself 12 full weeks off of almost everything. I'll be handling emails twice per week (on Mondays and Thursdays) and dealing with any urgent needs as applicable. But otherwise, were's what my maternity leave will look like in the various branches of my business:
And that's about it for now! I obviously have no idea when I'll go into labor so I'll keep blogging until I do, but if you see me go quiet here and on Instagram (my main social media community these days), just stay tuned and hopefully I'll be sharing a happy, healthy baby update ASAP ;) Thanks for your understanding as I take some time away from my business to be with my family! And fellow solopreneurs: I hope this shows you that while it is a bit more complicated and takes more planning, it is doable to go on maternity leave when you work for yourself.   In the picture on the right, taken almost three years ago, I didn't yet know what it meant to be bone tired. I didn't yet know what it meant to be in love--in all-encompassing love--with a tiny human being who can't even say your name [yet]. I didn't know what it meant to have your life as you know it upended + destroyed in the blink of an eye. I didn't know what it meant to put someone else's needs in front of my own every single time, every single day, forever + ever. I didn't yet know what it meant to care for someone else without even thinking about it. I didn't know what it meant to feel blinding rage towards my husband as I got up to console our crying baby [yet again] and he continued to sleep. I also didn't know what it meant to explode internally due the emotional intensity of watching my husband and my child love one another and spend time together. I didn't know what it meant to really "play." I didn't know what it meant to sleep with one ear + one eye open, always ready to come to the rescue. But I was excited! And I thought I had everything planned out. Because I didn't know what I didn't know. In the picture on the left, I know all of these things and they're engrained in my being now. I'm bigger, I'm sicker (literally: I'm on steroids + antibiotics in this picture!), my body is much more sore, I'm saggier, I'm exhausted, and I'm fully aware of what I'm getting into--while also knowing that I actually have no idea what I'm getting into. I'm savvy enough now to be scared of what's to come because it's simply such a known unknown. But again, despite all of this, I'm also really, really excited. I can't wait to feel my heart expand again--beyond what I think is possible for one heart to feel and beyond what I think is possible for one person to experience. Every time that this second child, my son, moves inside my body, every time that my daughter kisses my belly on her way to bed, every time that she says "I'm a big sister!" I become more and more sure that this is the right thing for our family. Even if it leaves us more tired, more frazzled, and yes, sometimes more angry, I know it will all be worth it. And I can't wait.   Dear Second Child of Mine,
I started writing this letter to you in my head last night, during a fever dream of sorts (I'm getting over the flu and therefore, so are you, I guess...). I felt you kicking in my belly and was reminded that while I've been super distracted by my sickness and taking care of a toddler and all of the work that's piling up around me as I rest in bed recovering, what matters most right now is keeping you safe and healthy amidst all of the chaos that surrounds us. What I want you to know is that while it appears from the outside that we're not ready for you at all, that we haven't thought about your impending arrival and are unprepared, this is not the case. We've been waiting for you all of our lives. Sure, at this point in my pregnancy with your big sister all of her clothes had been procured, washed, folded, placed in labeled drawers in her newly-painted dresser in her newly-decorated nursery--and all I've done for you is hastily go through her old clothes and pull out the unisex items, throwing them into paper grocery sacks--but you'll be a July baby and will be wearing only your diaper for the majority of the first few months anyway, so it doesn't really matter. What I didn't know the first time around, I made up for by obsessing and perfecting all of the small, controllable details; but with you, I know how little these details actually matter once you're holding a new baby in your arms. Your sister taught me that all of the planning and painting and buying and folding will not make it easier to adjust to a new baby's presence in our lives, but will just add to my to-do list before you arrive, which is long enough and overwhelming enough already. [Although I do promise to wash and fold the clothes that are currently sitting in the grocery sacks--pinky swear.] In many ways, you're lucky, because you won't have the pressure of 10 months of planning and waiting rush in on you the second you enter the world. You'll have the love and the excitement, but not the same amount of figure-it-outs-as-you-gos and nervous unknowns (although everything about you is an unknown, from your eye color to your personality to your sleep habits; oh please be the laid-back baby I've only heard about in Parenting Fairy Tales!). Your sister likes to press her ear against my belly and tell me about the noises that she hears "you" making. She fed you popcorn and milk from her sippy cup onto my belly the other night and she's already started planning the games that you'll play together and which toys she'll share with you. I know your experience of our family will be so different than hers has been thus far; you'll have her as your guide, your companion, your distraction, and in many ways, your competition, but she's just as excited as we are to meet you, and you're as wanted and as loved as a baby ever could be--despite our lack of preparation due to the curveballs that life has thrown our way in the 6.5 months since finding out that you were growing in my belly. You should also know, Dear Babe, that there was another baby between you and your sister, but that he or she didn't make it this far. I have to think that this is because you were the baby that we were supposed to have, supposed to meet, and supposed to love, and for that reason I'm even more confident that we're ready for you to be a part of our little family unit (in another 14-ish weeks, of course!). We're not perfect; we've all got a lot of growing to do, but we're your family and we feel so lucky that you're going to be ours. Thanks for dealing with all of the loud coughing, fevers, and sniffles over the past week or so. Thanks for picking us. And thanks in advance for your understanding about your lack of exciting new clothing and hand-me-down everything... See you in July! Love, Your Mama 
Baby "Brudder"!!!! As you can see from the video above (that we posted to social media last night), we're having a boy and we're over the moon ;) Ben has been saying all along that he'd love another girl, buuuuttt if we were having another girl, he'd want to try for *one more* (eek! Hard to imagine right now!), so it's nice to know that if we feel done after this child, we'll have one of each and won't ever have to wonder what it would be like to have a boy. We have a front-runner for a name but will definitely be keeping that info to ourselves until he's born ;) Thanks for all of your excitement for us! So many of you have messaged me saying you're done having kids but are living vicariously through other pregnant people (I get it!), so it's been really fun seeing all of your guesses at what we're having and your joy for us. And from what all of you are saying about boys, it sounds like we're in for quite the wild ride! I'm just holding out hope that this will be our "go with the flow," sleep-anywhere child, because as you know by now, Charlie Mae is NOT (haha!). 
 I've been pretty nervous about sharing this news with all of you; I'm obviously over the moon to be pregnant again (and out of the First Trimester!), but after my recent pregnancy loss, telling "the world" about this pregnancy felt really scary. Every time I imagined "announcing" that I was pregnant again, I then imagined suffering another loss right afterward and having to face the sadness of that loss "publicly" when I wasn't yet ready to do so. I also thought about all of the incredibly strong women who reached out to me to share their pregnancy loss stories when I shared mine. I thought of the women who are still trying to get pregnant again and I couldn't help but worry that my sharing this news wouldn't help, but instead, would hurt, or re-open old (or still very fresh) wounds. If you're one of those women and you're reading this, I sincerely hope that this post doesn't make you feel worse, but that it gives you hope instead. After losing our baby I wanted to jump back into the saddle (haha) and try again as soon as possible because I knew that getting pregnant would help me heal--and it has. But I know that not everyone feels this same way and that it can also take a while to get pregnant again, so it's not always such a simple decision. I feel very grateful that we were able to get pregnant again quickly and am sending SO much love to those of you who are currently trying or who've had to wait longer than you'd hoped. It's a very intense process to re-enter no matter how much time has passed since your loss and can obviously be way more intense if it's harder for you to conceive. There are no words, really. I just hope this post doesn't do more harm than good. And despite all of my worries about putting this news out into the world, the fact is that we're really excited about growing our family and want to share this joy with others. I'm trying to move past all of my anxieties about something going wrong and instead of dwelling on my fears about all of the the worst case scenarios, live in the moment and experience the excitement of being pregnant again. Especially after such a devastating loss. So, all of that being said, YES, I'm pregnant again!!! I'm a little over 14 weeks and I finally felt ready to share this news for a few reasons:
Thus, here we are. I'm due July 14th and we can't wait (but actually we can because we have a lot to do before then + two kids = OMG!). We *are* going to find out what we're having and should know around 18-19 weeks. We haven't decided if we're going to share that publicly yet or not, but if Ben and Charlie Mae have anything to do with it, we probably will ;) Thanks for all of your support over the past 6 months of loss and now, excitement. On two separate occasions at the end of 2018 I saw big, bold, gorgeous double-rainbows that made me feel very hopeful about this pregnancy and this year. Let's hope that those rainbows were signs that 2019 is going to be full of rainbow babies for all of us who suffered a loss in 2018. [Oh, and a note about the pic above: I'm *sure* you know this by now but in case you don't, Ben is OBSESSED with basketball. He has a bball training side-hustle and basically eats, sleeps, + dreams basketball. He's had a "vision" for this picture since the day we found out I was pregnant again and although I am not as into basketball as he is (understatement of the year, haha), I couldn't take that vision away from him. So yay for you, Ben!]   The image above was taken on August 12th, just over 2 months ago. I was 10 weeks along and felt like my belly had just started to pop; this being my 2nd pregnancy, my uterus knew what was up and had started to expand immediately. I was over the moon, feeling great, and excited to hear my baby's heartbeat at my 10 week appointment in just a few days. Needless to say, I didn't ever hear my baby's heartbeat. What I didn't know when this picture was [excitedly] taken was that my baby's heart had already stopped beating. Our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks, but was still nestled inside of my uterus while I--oblivious to this fact--snapped pictures meant to capture what I thought was my growing belly. Within a few days of this picture being taken, after the appointment where my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, after the excruciating 24 hours in which I waited for the ultrasound that would tell us what was happening inside my body, after the heartbreaking 10 minutes lying on a table in the dark, watching the ultrasound tech move her wand around my belly without saying a word--and knowing what her silence meant--we'd scheduled a D&C, a surgical procedure that would remove our deceased baby from my belly. It was horrible. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't stop crying and I felt like it was my fault. All of the cliches about the emotions associated with pregnancy loss are cliches for a reason: I felt all of those things. While some women say that it wasn't helpful for them to hear how common pregnancy loss is, I found it very helpful. I took comfort in the statistics that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Not because I wanted this for other people, but because if it was extremely common, then maybe that didn't make it my fault. Maybe my baby really wasn't going to be able to survive in this world and that's why it stopped growing, not because I took an ibuprofen long before I knew I was pregnant, or demonstrated a deep twist in one of my classes when I was just a few weeks along. And I took comfort in all of the female family members who called to tell me that this had happened to them in the past, too, in between child 1 and 2, or child 2 and 3. It gave me hope that I would be able to go on and have another healthy baby someday, too. The thing about pregnancy loss is that you're not just mourning the loss of this child that you were growing in your belly and are no longer going to get to meet, but you're also mourning the life plans that you had set up around this baby's impending arrival. Ben and I had started planning what our maternity and paternity leaves would look like. We knew what the rough age difference between our two kids would be and imagined Charlie Mae having a playmate sooner rather than later. We had a hazy outline of how the beginning of 2019 would go; after all, if we were having a baby in March, that would change the year in a big way. But then in just 24 hours, we'd lost all of that "stability." We knew our plans weren't really stable in the first place, but we'd hoped that they could be and had talked things out because that's what you do. We'd done this before and it had gone smoothly (the pregnancy part, not the child birth or child raising part, ha!) so we had just gone ahead with our life, planning around this big event as if it would happen for us again. And then out of nowhere, it ended. And we had to deal with that. I will say that in my personal experience, I felt that our loss was made easier because we already have Charlie Mae. I was able to look at her and hug her and not only feel enormous gratitude that I already had a healthy, wonderful child, but also be reminded that my body had done this before and that hopefully, that means it can do it again. I was also acutely aware, during all of this, of just how difficult it must be to suffer multiple losses, one after another, while hoping for a child. Or to be someone who can't get pregnant at all and wants to. It's all so devastating and complicated and just plain sad. So much sadness. But then you have to wake up and go on with your day: you get up early and get your child ready, you take her to the park, you respond to emails, you eat lunch, you teach a yoga class, you scroll through your phone, you go to the grocery store. No one knows that you've just been dealt a big blow and you don't tell them because you don't want to talk about it, but you carry it around, feeling empty inside when you felt so full only one week ago. And then you keep waking up and going through your days and dealing with life and the sadness starts to fade. At one point you think, 'I won't be able to talk about this publicly for a long time' and then only a little while later, you realize that it's National Pregnancy + Infant Loss Awareness Month, and you see everyone else sharing their stories of loss and you're surprised to find that you're ready to talk about your loss, too. If nothing else than to tell that woman who is scrolling through her phone while in bed, recovering from a miscarriage or another loss, that she is not alone, that you understand, and that you're sorry. You're so, so sorry.   When I was pregnant, I was clueless about what we needed/would really use once we had a baby. I read books, read registry lists, and asked friends, but found it to be really hard to understand how we would use the things that I heard we needed until I actually used them. But once we got home from the hospital, wow, was I glad that we were prepared and listened to everyone's advice on what to get! From Day 1, so many of the items that were recommended to us were extremely useful and much-needed. {Thank you to all of my friends who sent me lists!} So today, I wanted to share the love and recommend some of my favorite baby + postnatal essentials. Whether you're looking for gift ideas for the expectant parents in your life or need ideas for your own registry, here are 10 items that made our lives [and especially my life] post-pregnancy MUCH easier: 1. Nursing Camis: I had NO idea how much I would wear nursing camis. In fact, let me put it this way--I've worn a nursing cami every single day and every single night since I had Charlie Mae. That's every day and night for 3 months and 11 days. I love these ones, but to be fair I should tell you that I haven't tried any others; just ordered some of these and then ordered more of them and then, once I realized I was really wearing them all day every day, ordered a few more. Must-have. 2. Nursing Pads: Keeping with the nursing theme, I also didn't realize how much you leak all over your clothes when you're breastfeeding. Again, I haven't been without these pads for more than a few hours since I had Charlie Mae, and they're a godsend if you don't like sitting around in wet clothes. I've tried a few brands and these are my favorites (by far). 3. Sleep Sacks with Built-In Swaddles: If you're a fan of a sleeping baby and don't have the patience to learn how to swaddle with a blanket and/or don't want to have to wake up every time your baby wriggles out of your poorly-wrapped swaddle, buy some sleep sacks with swaddles for your baby. As soon as Charlie Mae grew out of the newborn size, we bought the next size up, and are so thankful for these little garments. Another life-saver for tired parents! Here's my favorite brand. 4. Burp Cloths: Oh boy, do babies spit up everywhere! We have burp cloths stowed all over the house in strategic locations and I'm still always searching one (I'm often sitting on the one I'm looking for). I don't think you can have too many--we've been known to have 4-5 "active" burp cloths going in different rooms in the house. I love these but we've been given tons and all are great. 5. A Baby Carrier: We wear Charlie Mae ALL THE TIME. If it wasn't for baby carriers she would get a lot less sleep, I would get a lot less done, and Sayde would get a lot less walks. I was given this baby carrier as a hand-me-down and it's become my favorite and go-to. We also have a Baby Bjorn that Ben uses as his carrier and loves. I tried the wrap-style when Charlie Mae was smaller, but it just didn't feel secure enough for me and my anxious self (I'm sure it was the way I was wrapping it/wearing it, but for whatever reason it wasn't the best fit for me). I was also given this one by a fabulous doula and think it's a great option, too. 6. A Bouncer and/or Swing: Another thing that you need strategically placed around the house--containers for your baby! Places to put your tiny baby for a minute while you pee/take off your sweatshirt/pour your hot tea/etc! We got a second-hand bouncer that has been one of our MVProducts and were given a great swing that hangs out in our kitchen. I don't think the brand/model matters for these things, just get a few via hand-me-down or consignment and you'll be happy you did! 7. A Changing Table: I'd heard that you don't need a changing table and they're just another product that people think they have to get and then don't actually need, but I disagree. Our $15 Craigslist changing table is one of the best buys of our pre-baby days; when you have a newborn, you spend many, many hours changing her. Why not do that at a table meant just for that? I love the little compartment that is just the right size for wipe container, the shelves underneath that house extras of everything, the fact that it's the perfect height...I could go on and on. Worth the $15, for sure ;) 8. A Noise Machine: Ben and I used white noise to sleep before we had a baby, so it only made sense that we would get a special white noise machine for our baby. Since Charlie Mae sleeps in our room, we all use the same noise machine now and we really love this one. It is a nightlight and noise machine in one, so it helps me see when I get up to nurse in the middle of the night AND provides us with lots of sound options. 9. Board Books: We started reading to Charlie Mae a few weeks into her life, and have found board books to be the best fit for someone so young. Her favorites from the very beginning were these books, which are made for super small babies, but now that she's getting older, we're finding that she loves any and all books that we read to her. 10. Lamaze Clip + Go Toys: The people who make these toys know what they're doing. They've got black-and-white patterns, rings, make crinkly noises that really little babies like, and are perfect for babies who are just a few months old. They were the first toys that Charlie Mae started to show an interest in and are still her favorites--even as she starts to show interest in other types of toys, too. They've saved us from many a breakdown already! There are so many other items that we've used a ton so far {our diaper bag, this play mat, this mobile, our car seat, our stroller...I could go on for days}, but I'll stop there for now. I hope you find this list helpful and don't hesitate to reach out for other recommendations! Btw, Lucie's List is my favorite online source for product information and recs. It has been (and still is!) my total go-to.   Now that it's been almost 11 weeks since I gave birth to Charlie Mae, I think I'm ready to share my story of the experience. As I said in my very first post about her arrival, I think it's important to tell these types of stories, but I needed time to process what ended up being a very traumatic experience for me. Sharing a challenging birth story is, well, a challenge. There are many reasons for this, but just a few are as follows: I don't want to scare anyone who hasn't given birth yet and is pregnant or plans to be someday, I don't want to be judged for my decisions during my labor + delivery, I don't want to come across as judgmental towards anyone who has different feelings about birth, I don't want to come across as ungrateful for a process that in the end, provided me with a completely healthy baby, and I don't want to make anyone feel bad about their birth process, no matter what the outcome. But, I'm going for it, because I want other women who had births that left them with a bit of PTSD to know they're not alone in their experience. So, here goes... [And be warned, this is a doozy of a post! You may want to grab a cup of tea and sit back for this one, or if you're not interested in the subject matter, just skip it. I've included lots of details for those who, like me, want ALL of the info when they hear a birth story.] I felt my first signs of labor in the morning on Tuesday, August 23rd. I woke up feeling period-like cramps that would continue throughout much of the day, but I didn't know if they meant that this was "it" or not. I had my weekly appointment with my midwife that morning and had a scheduled non-stress test at the hospital after that (since I was past my due date), and at these appointments I was told that the baby was fine, but I was only 1/2 cm dilated. After these appointments and after discussing my concerns about having to get induced if I went too far past my due date, I made an appointment to go in for acupuncture that afternoon, in hopes that it would bring on labor. As I lay in the acupuncturist's chair later that day, I started feeling my "cramps" getting stronger, and on the 30-minute drive home, as it started to feel uncomfortable sitting behind the wheel, I began to think that these cramps might actually be something. Around 3 or 4 pm I was working at my computer and sitting on my birth ball, and I realized that the "cramps" I was experiencing were happening at a pretty regular rate. At a friend's advice, I started timing them just to see if they were regular, and sure enough, they were. I called Ben at work and told him this might be it, and he headed home just in case. Fast forward to a few hours later, and I was in labor. I planned on laboring at home for as long as possible, so I ate dinner while having contractions, and sent Ben to bed around 9pm to get some sleep while I labored downstairs on my own. I had my yoga mat, blanket, and birth ball out, I lit some candles, put on some music, and moved through each contraction. It was a beautiful time that made me feel good about whatever was ahead of me. At around 11pm, the contractions had gotten so strong that I knew we had to go to the hospital. Not because I thought they baby was coming anytime soon, but because the only thing that got me through the contractions was moving (I would bend at the hips and lean over something and then sway my hips side-to-side while the sensation lasted), and I was afraid of being in the car, seated, through these contractions. I woke Ben up, we grabbed our bags (which of course, we had packed weeks ago and refilled as needed earlier in the evening), and got into the car. In the car, I listened to my hypno-birthing recoding and breathed through each contraction. We got to the hospital around midnight and my midwife (who I had called) was there to greet me. She told me that I was 3 cm dilated when we arrived, which meant that we might still have a long way to go, but I was ready for it. The night continued on, and I labored all throughout, trying different positions, getting in and out of the shower, eating small snacks as I could to keep my energy up, etc. I should pause here to share that going into my labor + delivery, I really wanted a non-medicated, non-intervention birth. This felt like the right fit for me and I was as prepared as I could be for this type of birth. I felt confident in my body's ability to have an unmedicated birth and in my birth team's ability to support me. Everyone who came into my room was aware of what I wanted and was very respectful of my wishes, and even many hours into being at the hospital, I felt that I would be able to have the kind of birth that I wanted. Back to the story: what I didn't realize in the first half of my labor but found out later on was that the crazy intense contractions I was having were called back labor. Not every woman has these kind of contractions, but those who have will know why this is relevant. Back labor contractions are WAY stronger than regular contractions. Each time you have a contraction, it feels like someone is sawing your back open with a jagged knife. The only thing that helped me was moving my hips, bending over, having someone press on my hips as I contracted, and/or being in the shower, moving on a birth ball, with the hot water on my lower back. It was crazy intense and exhausting. When I was next checked at about 10 or 11am on Wednesday the 24th, I found out that I was only at 5 cm. Normally, they say that women dilate an average of 1 cm per hour, so it was pretty disheartening to find out that after 10 or 11 hours of laboring at the hospital, I had only dilated another 2 cm. But still, we pressed on. The next time I was checked, later that afternoon, I was at 8 cm. You can't push until you're at 10 cm, so again, I was disappointed. But then a few hours later, before I was checked again, I felt the urge to push. I told the midwife who was with me at the time, and she said that if I felt the urge, I could try. She didn't check me again since they try to limit the checks, so I went for it. They got me into a good squatting position and I started pushing. I pushed for about 30-45 minutes, during which my water finally broke, but nothing was happening. So the midwife had me stop and checked me again--and wouldn't you know it--I was only 8cm dilated. Things weren't progressing the way we'd hoped, and my energy was starting to really dip, as I'd been in labor for over 24 hours, had been pushing for a while, and in the meantime, the back labor contractions had continued to get stronger and stronger. This next part of the story is where things start to get pretty hazy for me, as I began to get kind of delirious with exhaustion. But, from talking to Ben and everyone who worked with me that evening, here's what happened: When the next shift came in, the midwife on duty started talking about interventions. They mentioned Pitocin to help me dilate all the way, which scared me to death, since I knew that Pitocin can cause contractions to become even stronger and I was already at my limit with my back labor. We told them that we wanted to wait longer, but everyone was worried about my energy and my ability to push the baby out when the time came [if things kept going as they were]. Finally, the Ob-Gyn on duty--who is also my next door neighbor--came in to check me and discuss options. At this time, we found out a few things:
So, I was told we needed to move things along to avoid an emergency c-section. The recommendation was an epidural so that I could rest up enough to dilate the rest of the way and then have the energy to push her out. I was heartbroken, as I had now been in labor for almost 30 hours and felt so close to the end, but was now faced with the need make a decision that could impact whether or not I ended up having the birth that I wanted or an emergency c-section. I was so tired and had started feeling like I would rather die than continue on through labor. In fact, I know I said that a few times, that I "just wanted to die," which is a very scary feeling to have. Ben and I discussed our options as best we could given the amount of pain I was in and our mutual state of exhaustion and worry, and we couldn't decide what to do. It was really stressful for both of us. I had a nurse with me who is also one of my friends (and who knew all about my wishes for an unmedicated birth and had one herself), and with tears in my eyes, I asked her, "What should I do?" She responded confidently, "I would get the epidural so you have a chance at a vaginal birth," and that was all it took. I said lets do it and they started the process. The good news: the epidural did eventually give me a chance to rest enough to dilate the rest of the way and get her out. The bad news: it didn't take all the way and didn't work on my back labor, so once I was all set up and told I could no longer move (the only thing that relieved the pain of back labor), I still felt the pain of the contractions in my back. It was pure hell having to lie still and let each contraction move over me without being able to move myself. When it was time to push Charlie Mae out, her heart rate was dropping enough that I didn't have the "luxury" of taking my time pushing her out and slowly stretching naturally. The doctor had to use the vacuum extractor to help pull her out [quickly] and cut a large episiotomy in order to make room to get her out, and of course, I had to push on my back because of the epidural (again, something I really hadn't wanted). There was a lot of blood and it was pretty scary--spotlights all around me, a bunch of faces looking down at me, Ben's voice somewhere in the darkness where I couldn't see him--I felt like I was in an ER episode, and it was nothing like the peaceful, yoga-filled birth that I had hoped for and experienced for the first 24 hours of my labor. At one point before the pushing started I even heard Ben say to someone, "This is the worst day of my life," which is not something you want your partner to be feeling when you're about to have your baby. He was scared and hated seeing me in so much pain when there was nothing he could do, and I hated hearing him so upset. In the end, I had Charlie Mae vaginally and she was perfect. She was born at 10:48pm on Wednesday the 24th and was 8 lbs and 20 inches. They put her on my chest when she came out and she started nursing very soon after. I remember feeling both the pain of being stitched up and the comfort of having my baby lying on me simultaneously. I was crying because she was here and she was okay and also because labor was over. [I did still have to deliver the placenta, which I remember seeing, but I could care less about that once Charlie Mae was in my arms.] The next morning, I was feeling all of the emotions at once. One by one, everyone who had worked with me throughout my labor came by to help me process what had happened. I remember telling my midwife, through tears, that I didn't think I could ever have another child because I could never go through that again. I was thoroughly traumatized by the experience, despite being completely in love with our daughter. Now that I have some distance from the experience and good-old amnesia has kicked in (which, I have learned, must happen for our species to continue), I know that I will be able to have another child and I want to, despite all of the PTSD surrounding Charlie Mae's birth. I recently told Ben that I would do it 5 more times if it meant having Charlie Mae, and I meant it. Which goes to show just how powerful the love of motherhood really is. Oh, and I want to mention that even though the end of my labor was really scary and upsetting, there were beautiful moments scattered throughout and it wasn't all bad. I have a beautiful memory of watching the sun come up through the window of my room after laboring through the first night. My midwife was helping me and we watched it come up together, and she said, "It's your baby's birthday!" which was very powerful. I also remember being spoon fed chicken noodle soup by one of my nurses (also a yogi and friend) while in the shower, and all of Ben's amazing support as things got hard. And of course, seeing Charlie Mae when she came out was the most incredible feeling of all. So, that's the story. I think I'll stop there since this post has become so long, but I want to reiterate one thing that I learned from birth, and that is that it really is out of your control. You can only prepare so much, and after that, you have to surrender. I'm still working on accepting this, but I do know it's true and feel that Charlie Mae was 100% worth it.   As you've probably already seen if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, our darling baby girl, Charlie Mae Starr Vaneria arrived exactly one week ago today, on Wednesday, August 24th at 10:48pm. Born at exactly 8lbs and 20 inches (she likes to be precise, just like her parents), Charlie Mae is already the light of our lives in *every* way imaginable. Obviously. She is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to us and we seriously couldn't be more head over heels in love. So, this post will be fairly quick because I'm still in the thick of the early days and am trying to make this time as low-key and Charlie Mae-focused as possible, but I wanted to break the silence and share some quick snapshots from our first week together. A few highlights and notes:
And now for the pics! Here are some scenes from life over the past week...       Yes, Ben is growing a paternity leave beard. Yes, Charlie Mae is almost always wearing just a diaper because it's hot around here. And yes, we have already taken approximately 10000 pictures of our little girl and I don't anticipate that stopping anytime soon. Before I close, I want to say a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE thank you to the amazing ladies at Cape Cod Hospital who took care of our little family during our time there. We are full of gratitude for each and every one of you. And thanks to everyone who has called, texted, emailed, messaged me, commented on my pics on social media, etc. I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to respond to each of you individually, but know that I've read all of your notes and congrats and they mean the world to me! I'm not sure when I'll be back to blogging, but I promise to pop-in here and there over the next couple of weeks with updates. Now back to Charlie Mae-land!       Image above: while we were sitting on the beach on Saturday, I got a text from my midwife that said "Wish you were here!" along with this pic. It's my midwife, Jodi, and three amazing Labor + Delivery Nurses/yogis, Wendy, Laurie, + Diane--all of whom I adore--and all of whom work at the hospital where I'm delivering. This text made my day! Can't wait to bring our baby into the world with these incredible women by my side :) Over the past couple of days, Ben and I can't call a friend or family member without them picking up the phone with an anticipatory gasp...they all think we're calling with news of our baby! But alas, thus far, we have no news to share; everything is status quo, despite the fact that we've watched my due date (or due dates, depending on how you look at it, ha!) just float on by... I've talked to soooo many women recently who went *WAY* over their due dates, so I know this is completely normal and I'm not worried about it, but it sure does feel more + more surreal with every day that goes by without a change or any sign that our babe is on the way. So, this past weekend, we mostly just went to the beach to wait it out [again]. Not a bad gig ;) For the first time in forever, Ben and I have no scheduled plans on the weekends--or in my case, on the weekdays, too--so we've been able to do just do whatever we feel like doing and take things hour by hour. I have to tell you, it's been pretty freeing, despite the weird cloud of the unknown hanging over our heads. It's also led to lots of time spent reading in a beach chair, LOTS of sleep (9+ hours the past 3 nights!), and lots of meals out. Ben is living it up like we're on borrowed time (which I guess we kind of are), and I'm just trying not to lose my mind with the excitement, anticipation, and constant questioning of every little sensation I feel in my body; "Could this be a sign that I'm going to go into labor soon? Could that?" Thus, as we enter another new week without any major changes, I'm getting back to work on client projects (thank goodness I still have work to keep me occupied or I'd go crazy!), continuing to walk Sayde and stay as active as possible every day, sleeping whenever I feel like it, and starting to make plans to change my parents' plane flights--which we had booked for this week and now have to change to a random later date (we knew that would probably happen but it's still confusing...). So, here's to hoping our little girl decides to come sooner rather than later, because this mama-to-be is simply dying to meet her! Thanks for all the continued good thoughts, good energy, and well wishes coming our way! You guys are the best :)  
Last night, after a few weeks of cajoling, I *finally* convinced Ben to join me for a special bonus episode of Starr Struck Radio (!!!). No, he has not committed to coming back next season (sigh), but he has committed to joining me at least once more after our baby girl comes to talk about being a parent/new parenthood, so at least that's something...
That being said, here's today's episode! It's obviously all about the third trimester of pregnancy and how we're feeling during our baby's "due week." This episode is meant to be the third (or really, fourth) in a series all about becoming parents. Scroll down (below the podcast link) to find links to the past three episodes in this series--and if you haven't listened to them yet, you might want to start from the beginning and listen to them in order, saving this one for last ;) You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").
Interested in listening to more pregnancy-related episodes? Listen to these first:
You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. Thank you SO much for listening and for coming on this journey with us! Stay tuned for our post-baby episode... 
 From everything that I've read and heard, I know that due dates don't really matter. I know that your baby will come when it's ready, no matter what you've been told by your doctor, midwife, or ultrasound technicians. In fact, I've read that first time moms usually go an average of 41 weeks and 1 day before having their babe. I've heard all of the stories about babies who are 14 days late--whose mothers try everything to get them out earlier than that to no avail. I've also heard all of the stories about babies who come early, and I know that there's no predicting that, either. So, here we are, we've arrived at my due week, which doesn't mean a lot in reality, but still means a lot in my mind: for almost 40 weeks, I've been counting down to this week as the approximate "end" of my pregnancy and beginning of our life as parents. This past Friday, two of the ladies who I considered my "pregnancy buddies" [in my head] had their babies, and I was able to see their transformation from pregnant lady to new mom happen almost instantaneously (I know it's not instantaneous, of course, but from afar it looks that way!). It's wild to look at their adorable pics and think, "maybe I'll be next..." but in the same moment, know that it could be another 3 weeks before we meet our little one--and that would be normal, too. We're in that awkward phase where every time that we do anything, we wonder if it's the last time we're going to do it without a baby; yesterday at the beach we said aloud, "This might be our last beach day before we're parents!" And before we go to bed each night, "This might be our last night going to bed as a family of 3" (we include Sayde in our count, of course). Obviously, the list of these types of moments goes on and on, and this might continue for quite a while longer if our babe decides she's comfy in there and not ready to enter the world quite yet, but it's still pretty weird. So, as we enter this week--my due week and the first week where I'm not teaching yoga (which feels SO strange already!)--I'm going to try my best to find a balance between working, nesting, and enjoying some downtime and self-care. I plan on trying to bust out some final client projects so that I can feel a sense of closure with as much of my work as possible. I hope to finish up some organization projects around the house so that I can relax more easily. I plan on treating myself to a mani-pedi, practicing yoga at home each day, and sleeping a little later than usual if I feel like it. I look forward to evenings at home with Ben, daily walks with Sayde, and a chance to be present with however many days we have left before our baby decides to join us... This whole experience has been such a trip so far! Thanks for all of your sweet notes, excitement, and fun predictions over these past few days + as we enter our final days/weeks of pregnancy. Oh, and if you're wondering how you'll know if I've gone into labor or not, a pretty surefire way to find out is by checking the blog. I post every weekday except Thursday, so f you check the blog on a day that I usually post and there is nothing up by about 10 am, you'll know that something is shifting in baby-land ;) Obviously if it happens over the weekend, you won't know until Monday rolls around, but still. And of course, stay tuned on Facebook + Instagram for the first announcement; I'll post here on the blog as soon as I'm up to it!   In the past month, two of my good friends have recently moved "home" to live near their families--and in both cases, these moves took place after years of living a long plane flight away. As I've watched these friends jump right back into the folds of family life, I've been thinking a lot about our move to Cape Cod, which at the time, wasn't based on being close to family (although that was definitely a bonus when we made the decision), but has been a really wonderful part of our living here. Of course, I've also been thinking about living close to family because of my dad's visit last week. It was *SO* wonderful to have him here, for him to be a part of our daily lives and our impending life change, but it also made me sad that we can't live in a place where we're close to both of our families, that people don't still live in villages where generations of the same family all live next door to one another and help raise each other's children. However, I know that we're lucky to be able to live close to at least one side of the family; we're lucky that we have jobs that allowed us to move and don't require us to be in one particular city or location, and that we had the means and life circumstances that allowed us to make our move almost 3 years ago. Since moving, I've been surprised at how great it really is to be close to family. I knew it would be nice to have family nearby for the holidays, birthdays, and bigger events, but what I didn't think about was how nice it would be for Ben's Grandfather to be able to come to all of his basketball games (the ones he coaches), for Ben's mom to be able to stop by on a Saturday afternoon just to say 'hi' and catch up, for impromptu family BBQs on the weekend, for the connections that are formed by living in the same place and therefore being affected by the same local news, weather, and events. There's something really lovely about that. And of course, there's the super helpful part of living near family, which I know will only increase exponentially once we have a baby: the family members who are able to come stay with Sayde when we go out of town, who can come let her out in the middle of the day if I'm unavailable, who we can borrow equipment or supplies from when doing work on the house--the people you know you can count on if you lock yourself out of the car, need help moving, or have an emergency. It's great to feel that kind of support, too. So, I guess what I'm saying is that there's something really wonderful about living near family, and also, as we get ready to grow our own little family, I'm having a lot of sadness about not living by my side of the family, too--about not having my parents, grandparents, brothers, aunts + uncles close by. I feel so grateful that my in-laws are here, and that we have a support system now that we didn't even realize was possible just a few years ago, and at the same time, I can't bear the thought that my parents won't be able to be a part of our daughter's daily + weekly life in the same way that Ben's family will be. It's such a mix of emotions all rolled up into one...but I guess that kind of describes life, doesn't it? {Oh, and I should note that I know that living near family can be hard, too, depending on family dynamics, but I think that in many cases, the good outweighs the more challenging aspects of having family nearby. Obviously this is case-by-case and only you can know what's best for you...} Want to hear more about our move to Cape Cod and deciding to make a big move to be close to family? Check out Starr Struck Radio, Episode 36: Making a Big Move + Making Friends as an Adult.  |
HELLO!I'm Mary Catherine, a Cape Cod-based yoga teacher, painter, designer, writer, mom, and list-maker extraordinaire. My goal is to inspire you to start living a more creative, simple, joyful, + purposeful life.
{Learn more + read my story} 
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DISCLOSURE
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I am also a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.