 The image above was taken on August 12th, just over 2 months ago. I was 10 weeks along and felt like my belly had just started to pop; this being my 2nd pregnancy, my uterus knew what was up and had started to expand immediately. I was over the moon, feeling great, and excited to hear my baby's heartbeat at my 10 week appointment in just a few days. Needless to say, I didn't ever hear my baby's heartbeat. What I didn't know when this picture was [excitedly] taken was that my baby's heart had already stopped beating. Our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks, but was still nestled inside of my uterus while I--oblivious to this fact--snapped pictures meant to capture what I thought was my growing belly. Within a few days of this picture being taken, after the appointment where my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, after the excruciating 24 hours in which I waited for the ultrasound that would tell us what was happening inside my body, after the heartbreaking 10 minutes lying on a table in the dark, watching the ultrasound tech move her wand around my belly without saying a word--and knowing what her silence meant--we'd scheduled a D&C, a surgical procedure that would remove our deceased baby from my belly. It was horrible. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't stop crying and I felt like it was my fault. All of the cliches about the emotions associated with pregnancy loss are cliches for a reason: I felt all of those things. While some women say that it wasn't helpful for them to hear how common pregnancy loss is, I found it very helpful. I took comfort in the statistics that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. Not because I wanted this for other people, but because if it was extremely common, then maybe that didn't make it my fault. Maybe my baby really wasn't going to be able to survive in this world and that's why it stopped growing, not because I took an ibuprofen long before I knew I was pregnant, or demonstrated a deep twist in one of my classes when I was just a few weeks along. And I took comfort in all of the female family members who called to tell me that this had happened to them in the past, too, in between child 1 and 2, or child 2 and 3. It gave me hope that I would be able to go on and have another healthy baby someday, too. The thing about pregnancy loss is that you're not just mourning the loss of this child that you were growing in your belly and are no longer going to get to meet, but you're also mourning the life plans that you had set up around this baby's impending arrival. Ben and I had started planning what our maternity and paternity leaves would look like. We knew what the rough age difference between our two kids would be and imagined Charlie Mae having a playmate sooner rather than later. We had a hazy outline of how the beginning of 2019 would go; after all, if we were having a baby in March, that would change the year in a big way. But then in just 24 hours, we'd lost all of that "stability." We knew our plans weren't really stable in the first place, but we'd hoped that they could be and had talked things out because that's what you do. We'd done this before and it had gone smoothly (the pregnancy part, not the child birth or child raising part, ha!) so we had just gone ahead with our life, planning around this big event as if it would happen for us again. And then out of nowhere, it ended. And we had to deal with that. I will say that in my personal experience, I felt that our loss was made easier because we already have Charlie Mae. I was able to look at her and hug her and not only feel enormous gratitude that I already had a healthy, wonderful child, but also be reminded that my body had done this before and that hopefully, that means it can do it again. I was also acutely aware, during all of this, of just how difficult it must be to suffer multiple losses, one after another, while hoping for a child. Or to be someone who can't get pregnant at all and wants to. It's all so devastating and complicated and just plain sad. So much sadness. But then you have to wake up and go on with your day: you get up early and get your child ready, you take her to the park, you respond to emails, you eat lunch, you teach a yoga class, you scroll through your phone, you go to the grocery store. No one knows that you've just been dealt a big blow and you don't tell them because you don't want to talk about it, but you carry it around, feeling empty inside when you felt so full only one week ago. And then you keep waking up and going through your days and dealing with life and the sadness starts to fade. At one point you think, 'I won't be able to talk about this publicly for a long time' and then only a little while later, you realize that it's National Pregnancy + Infant Loss Awareness Month, and you see everyone else sharing their stories of loss and you're surprised to find that you're ready to talk about your loss, too. If nothing else than to tell that woman who is scrolling through her phone while in bed, recovering from a miscarriage or another loss, that she is not alone, that you understand, and that you're sorry. You're so, so sorry.   We've all heard the saying "the days are long but the years are short," and while I get the sentiment (I really do!), I have to disagree. I think the days are short and the years are short--it's all so short and fast and it's just such a wild ride! As we celebrated Charlie Mae's 2nd birthday this past weekend, I was floating somewhere between total amazement at my little kid (because she really seems like a little kid now!) and wondering where the heck my baby went. I don't want to spend Charlie Mae's childhood posting pictures of her looking grown up with the crying emoji (x10) beneath them, but I see why we do this because it is all so emotional and it feels so fleeting. So, moving forward, I'm going to try my best to celebrate Charlie Mae's growth and who she is becoming as she gets older, instead of mourning the precious days that are already in the past. Thus, today's post is a celebration of the the celebration that we had for 2-year old Charlie Mae this past weekend. We loved setting aside some time to acknowledge who she is at this point in time: a fun, adorable, strong-willed, sweet, opinionated, sensitive, and funny little soul. We kept her sheep-themed party small with just family this year (probably the last year we can get away with having just family!) and I tried my best to keep my decorating/themed-party urges in check so I wouldn't lose my mind getting ready for the simple get-together. Here are a few fun snapshots from the party! (Oh, and I know the food tables look pretty lame in these pics, but I never got a chance to take pics once the feast was laid out ;)          This girl = 100% down with the birthday hype now. She gets it. She was ALL IN on the presents, cake, ice cream, singing, and attention. She's already excited about the next family birthday party and the presents she's going to get on our trip to GA this week! Which brings me to my next note: there will be no #SJOTW this Friday because we'll be in GA to celebrate my grandmother's 90th birthday (!!!!). We'll be back in town next week and I'll get back to it then. Have a great week + a great Labor Day!  Today is Charlie Mae's 2nd birthday! Our little nugget has been around the sun twice now. I can hardly believe it. Obviously, this means that I had to interrupt my regular SJOTW programming to share some pics of our girlie + turn this week's edition of this column into a Charlie Mae-focused extravaganza ;) So, here are some [mostly] Charlie Mae-centric simple, sensory joys from the past week + summer... HEAR: Charlie Mae's singing voice + wide range of songs Charlie Mae can sing, y'all. She knows so many songs that they're not worth listing here at this point, but suffice it to say that she can sing the the entire ABCs and has been singing happy birthday to herself, to Sayde, to her blanket, and to all of her stuffed animals for weeks now. I love how high, loud, and off-tune her voice can be when she sings and how much she enjoys singing everything from show tunes to Elmo songs. We have fun. [PS. I have a great video of her singing her ABCs that I'll share in my Instagram story today if you want to see it!] SEE: Charlie Mae wearing the two *adorable* handmade dresses that she was given as birthday gifts Do you see the precious dress that Charlie Mae is wearing in her 2-year pic above? That dress was HANDMADE by Starr Struck's very own Sara! She sent her two handmade dresses that arrived last week and they are both the sweetest things ever. Thanks SO much, Sara! TASTE: Family ice cream outings This summer has been a really busy one for us as a family (work-wise + schedule-wise, not necessarily social engagement-wise) and we haven't spent as much time together as a family unit as I would have liked. But, we have made the time to go out to ice cream as a family at least once per week, and it's been a definite highlight. Charlie Mae can eat some serious ice cream and so can her parents, so we've all enjoyed it. We went this week and as usual, it was delicious and fun. SMELL: Charlie Mae's scent I know I'm not the only crazy person who smells my child's clothes, blankets, and pajamas after I take them off of her, right!!?!? It's a pretty wild thing how biologically, we are so drawn towards the scents of our loved ones. Even if I had no other senses, if I smelled Charlie Mae, I would recognize her anywhere; it's my favorite scent in the whole wide world. The biology of motherhood is pretty awesome. TOUCH: Wrestling with Charlie Mae on the bed Yesterday, despite having plans to go to a playground and then storytime, Charlie Mae and I ended up spending the entire morning at home, instead. The reason for this? We were just having too much fun. And when I asked her if she wanted to go, she said, "No, stay home and wrestle and snuggle with mommy." So that's what we did (after I picked myself up off of the floor where I had become a puddle of love). Snuggling and wrestling in "the big bed" with Charlie Mae is one of my favorite activities. And there you have it! Just like that, it's been 2 years since I gave birth to Charlie Mae; and what a wild, beautiful, exhausting, and love-filled 2 years it's been! If you missed the first year or so of her life as it was captured here on the blog, you can check out the posts below to get caught up: Thanks for being a part of this motherhood journey with me!   {Images above: the adorable little reason for the following...} Last week, I did laundry on Monday. I carried the basket of clean clothes upstairs in between things and dumped it out on the bed so I could fold it later. At bedtime, I went upstairs and found our bed covered with clean clothes. So I scooped them up and put them all back in the basket, put the basket on the floor, and got into bed. The next day after hastily pulling the comforter over the bed to make a "clean" flat surface, I dumped all of the clothes back on the bed to be folded. That night, when I went to get into bed, I once again scooped up the unfolded clothes and shoved them back into the basket. You would think I would learn, but this happened on Wednesday, too. I finally folded the clothes on Thursday. -- In late December, I ran out of contact lenses. The first appointment I could get that would be covered by my insurance was in early March, so I decided I would go without contacts until March and then get new ones. When the day of my March appointment rolled around, we had a huge snowstorm and the Eye Doctor's office called to tell me that they were closed and would call me back to reschedule after the storm. I missed their follow-up call the next week and still haven't called them back to reschedule. I've been without contacts for over 7 months. The other day I looked out the window at the fuzzy leaves on the tree across the street and remembered my missed appointment and the fact that I used to wear contacts. Then I thought, hmmmm...maybe I don't need contacts, after all!? -- A few months ago, Charlie Mae was having a blast sitting in the driver's seat of my car, pushing all of the buttons on the dashboard (as you do). The next time that I turned my car on, I found that the radio settings had somehow been changed so that sound only comes out of the back speakers. I have no idea how to fix this and no time to look up how to fix it so for weeks now, when driving around, I have to decide if I want to listen to music that is just a tiny buzzing from the backseat or drive in silence. I mostly drive in silence [for longer rides I put on my headphones and listen to a podcast. Duh.] -- The debris in our garage--the Elephant Graveyard of our household for the past two years--has been building and building. This past weekend I finally couldn't take it anymore so I started cleaning it out with about 15 minutes until the lunchtime/naptime routine and while in charge of Charlie Mae (not my most productive time of the day). We don't really drink beer around here, so every time we've hosted a cookout and had leftover beer, we've stowed the unused cans in the garage, leaving us with a garage floor littered with little clusters of half-used 12-packs (again, #ElephantGraveyard). As a part of my quick cleaning job, I decided to start rounding up the beers, stacking them all up on a shelf. When Charlie Mae saw what I was doing she was overjoyed to see a job she could help me with. One by one she would bring me a dirty, spiderweb and who-know-what-else-covered beer can and say, "'Nother seltzer mommy???" -- During a snowstorm in February or March, the rubber padding on my back windshield wiper came off, rendering my back windshield wiper unusable. I've been without a back windshield wiper ever since. -- It's really easy to let the burden of all of these little things (and there are OH SO MANY more where these come from) get me down. But every time that my mind starts to go down the "undone" rabbithole (which I've talked about here before), I just have to remind myself that I am raising a special little human being right now; that every unfixed windshield wiper, dusty garage floor "seltzer," and silent car ride is worth it. Charlie Mae won't remember whether or not the clothes went unfolded for a week or whether or not I could see with my eyes (HAHAHA), but she will remember the quality time we spent together dancing to Hokey Pokey in the kitchen (actually, she probably won't remember that because she's so young but you understand the sentiment). And as annoying as all of these undone tasks are, in a weird way, they're also a reminder that my priorities are in the right place right now. And that we're not "failing at life," as Ben keeps saying when he remembers something we've let fall through the cracks (Ben...), but that we're doing our very best and that's all we can do. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Over and over again. But I should probably get my eyes checked and contacts reordered, huh?   I was listening to an episode of the On Being podcast yesterday (this one--it's definitely worth a listen!) and the host, Krista Tippett, said, "Children teach us that love in it's purest form is a kind of service." When I heard her say this, I immediately pressed pause to jot it down. Let me repeat it for you: Children teach us that love in it's purest form is a kind of service. In one quick sentence, this quote distilled motherhood for me in a way that I had never heard it distilled before--love as service, love that is so strong that you would do (and do do) everything for that person. And not necessarily in a sacrificial or selfless way (although it can be in that way, too), but because you want to. This kind of service-based love is new for me. Maybe because before becoming a mother, I was never a super service-oriented person (or should I just say, because I was very selfish with my time and energy?). I've never had to be the primary caretaker of a sick or disabled family member or friend, I've never volunteered long-term in one particular area of service, I've never had a job as a caretaker, and besides Sayde, I'd never had another being rely on me for survival. But now that I'm a mom, I really do see that pure love is a kind of service. I want to give Charlie Mae everything she could ever need. I don't because I can't (and because I know that ultimately, that wouldn't be good for her), but I am "at her service" and I actually enjoy it (not all the time, of course, but most of the time). It feels good to think about someone else, to be pulled out of my brain and out of the endless loops of my monkey mind, and instead, be forced into the present moment by a toddler who needs me and needs me NOW. It also feels good to love someone SO much that I want to do things for her that I don't particularly enjoy. It's nice to love someone so much that when I find a booger on her leg, I pick it off without even thinking about it--and then it gets stuck on my finger in public and I can't get it off and there are no tissues in sight but I'm still not grossed out (ha!). It's a relief to take care of her and know that I'm doing something important even if it only looks like I'm sitting in the grass in the back yard playing with weeds. After I heard this quote about having children I called Ben and read it to him. I said to him, "We need to remember this--that love in it's purest form is a kind of service--and do more for each other. Because it's true, when someone does things for you it makes you feel more loved and doing someone for someone else is a tangible act of love." I think this is the part of love that I often forget about. I know love is a feeling and an emotion and that it's really powerful. I know that when it's the healthy kind of love, love motivates and dictates and inspires. But I often forget that love is a kind of service. It's a choice to take care of someone else and to be there for them even when you don't necessarily want to be. That's what makes true, long-term love so hard but also makes it so special. And that's what motherhood has taught me without my even realizing it until now: in it's purest form, love is a kind of service. I am so grateful that I get to serve Charlie Mae as her mother.  Don't You Worry, Ben and I Are Doing Great {A Follow-Up to Last Week's Household Manager Post}5/22/2018
 Last week's post about being the Household Manager said a lot about Ben and most of it wasn't positive, per se. I know that despite my stating (twice) that the post wasn't meant to be a bitchfest about Ben, some people just skimmed it and decided that it was, in fact, just a bitchfest about Ben. Ben even said that he had two people ask him "if everything was okay" between us, despite my saying the following in the first few paragraphs of the post: Before I go any further into my own experience with this frustrating subject, I should say that this post is not a critique of Ben at all. Ben is an amazing father and husband; he carries quite a mental load himself and does a lot around our house: he cooks all of our dinners, he does almost all of our grocery shopping, he pays all of our bills and maintains our yard, he does his own laundry. Three nights per week, he comes home from work and immediately handles all evening Charlie Mae duties while I head out to teach yoga. Of course I go on to say a lot about what Ben doesn't do around the house, but the point that I was trying to make in this post is that it's not Ben's fault that our society {a Patriarchy} has taught him that all of the extra things I handle around the house are "just the things that women do" and thus, he doesn't have to worry about them. It's not his fault that I saw my mom doing everything for everyone as I grew up (and she saw her mom doing the same as she grew up...) and therefore just took everything on without even realizing or thinking about it ["because that's just what moms do"]. It's not Ben's fault that he doesn't even know that the invisible workload I carry around in my mind exists. Or that he wasn't raised in a society where he was expected to be the one to stay home with the sick child when both parents work. My frustration is way bigger than my relationship with Ben--it's about how impossible it is to do everything that women are now expected to do in our culture while working (if that's something a woman wants to do, which I do). So, just to be 100% clear: Ben and I are good. You don't need to worry about us. Sure, we have stuff to work on as a couple and as you can tell from my post, we're still figuring out how to run a family + household together in a way that works for everyone, but we're in a good place and still very much in love, very committed, and very happy together. We had a hard first year as parents [aka sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on everything] but we've reconnected and I think he's the greatest. On the other hand, me and my role as Household Manager? We're not so good. I don't want the Household Manager job on top of all of my other jobs--or, I don't want to fill this role alone. I want a co-Household Manager in my husband and I think I deserve one. I also think that Ben is up to the challenge and can do the job just as well as I can if given the chance ;)   Image above: Charlie Mae sees the path ahead of her and is NOT impressed. If nothing else, we need to change this system to give our daughters another option! On Mother's Day, my social media feeds were filled with sweet posts about moms. They were really beautiful and I loved reading them--especially the ones written by husbands about their wives. You know the posts I'm talking about, right? The husband posts about his amazing wife and how much she does for the family, the household, and the kids. He says how grateful he is for her and her ability to hold everything together despite _____. But then Mother's Day passes and the mom featured in said post goes back to grinding it out. Or maybe she doesn't even get a break (not a real one) on Mother's Day--I'm sure lots of mothers were left cleaning up the kitchen after their husbands and kids made them breakfast, or folding laundry and catching up on their own work while their partners napped off their "exhausting" mornings with the kids. The conversation about the mental load (often called emotional labor and/or The Invisible Workload) that women and mothers carry around is not a new one, but it feels like it's been everywhere lately and as a new[ish] mom who has just recently started to feel the effects of this phenomenon, it's become increasingly important to me. [Note: Many articles about this subject have captured the issue way more succinctly than I ever could, so I've included a couple of my favorite posts about this subject at the bottom of this post.] Before I go any further into my own experience with this frustrating subject, I should say that this post is not a critique of Ben at all. Ben is an amazing father and husband; he carries quite a mental load himself and does a lot around our house: he cooks all of our dinners, he does almost all of our grocery shopping, he pays all of our bills and maintains our yard, he does his own laundry. Three nights per week, he comes home from work and immediately handles all evening Charlie Mae duties while I head out to teach yoga. But what he doesn't understand and will never understand is the hefty mental burden that I carry around at all times as our Full-Time Household and Child Manager. [And Historian. And Administrator. And Scheduler. And Organizer. And Decorator.] Ben has never had to think about what season is coming up and whether or not Charlie Mae has appropriate clothes that fit her for that season. He has never done a single load of her laundry, has never clipped her fingernails, has never even thought about whether or not we have enough diapers or wipes. He doesn't have to worry about her daycare schedule and who will drop her off and pick her up. When she gets a splinter in her foot, he isn't the one researching the best way to get it out and then holding her down while she screams and he tries to remove it. Ben has never changed out a roll of toilet paper in our house and when something is missing, he has no idea where to look (duh). He has never changed out a moldy shower curtain or washed a bath mat or cleaned off the base of the electric toothbrush. Every time that Sayde has an accident in our house (which unfortunately, happens more regularly than we'd like), I have to ask him to clean it up and he then asks me how to do so (despite having done it himself many times in the past). I write the thank you notes and remind Ben to call and thank people who give him gifts. I remind him to make doctor's appointments for himself--or rather, I beg him to make doctor's appointments for himself and often have to research the doctor and give him the name and number of a doctor covered by our insurance before he actually calls. While I was out of town this past weekend (with our child), Ben called to tell me that Sayde had gotten into some sort of nighttime altercation with a critter when he let her out (yikes!) and that unbeknownst to him, had bled all over our comforter and sheets. When I got home a few days later, I saw that the comforter was still on our bed, that our sheets were still splashed with blood, and that Ben had no intention of handling the situation; he'd rather just sleep on bloody sheets. Again, this is not meant to be a bitchfest about Ben, but rather, a comment on what we Household Managers have to handle and think about that the non-Household Managers don't have to handle or think about. It's a post meant to show you that even as a feminist--and as someone who came into my relationship, marriage, and parenting experience focused on equality and sharing the responsibilities--we've fallen into the exact same roles that SO many couples do. Because these roles are ingrained in us since childhood. Despite the fact that we both work and my schedule is just as full as his (if not more so!), I am still the de facto CEO of the household, too. I have to remember what has to be done and ask Ben do to it. I have to delegate ("nag"), remind ("nag"), and cajole ("nag"). Often, I end up having to just do it myself rather than have the fight caused by the "nagging" it takes to get him to do the things I ask him to do. It's exhausting. And I can't imagine what it would be like with 3 kids, or a job that required me to be in an office 40+ hours per week, or with a partner who had a much more demanding work schedule. So I guess what I'm saying is that it feels like no one is immune to this disease of inequality in the home because it takes GREAT effort to undo what year and years and years of gender inequality have done to our household roles--and ain't no frazzled mom got the time or energy it would take to even things out. It's easier to just do it herself and move on to the next thing. BUT! We can try. And I've decided to try harder because it's important to me to model a different way for Charlie Mae as she gets older. I've sent Ben some Required Reading (he loves when I do this) and fellow Household Managers, if this post speaks to you, you can do the same. If you haven't already, read the following articles and then send them to your partner!
 ***One more note: I know I primarily refer to male husbands and partners in this post, but that's just because from what I've read and known, this scenario typically happens most in heterosexual partnerships. That being said, as M. Blazoned so aptly points out in her article, this issue could arise for anyone who is the "Default Parent" or Household Manager due to how work/life responsibilities are set-up in your home.
 There was a day last week when I was feeling pretty frazzled. Mentally, I was being pulled in two different directions: it was a non-daycare day, so Charlie Mae was home with me, but I also had a bunch of client emails coming in about work that needed to be done ASAP. The two places where I put most of my time + energy were competing in my mind--my work needed me and my daughter needed me. And I needed them both. I found myself feeling that familiar sense of anxiety creep in...and a sense of resentment and undirected anger. I never have enough time for all of my work. I hate having to choose between my daughter and my work. I hate feeling like I never get to spend as much time with Charlie Mae as I want to... And then out of nowhere, I was struck with a thought: but I have chosen this life. And I continue to choose it again and again. I have TOTAL free will when it comes to my situation and I have made all of the choices that have led me to this moment. And I continue to make those same choices. We could add another day of daycare if I really wanted to or needed to. Our daycare has the space and we can afford it. Or I could take on less work so that I don't have as much on my plate; of course we need my income, but we could make it work if that's what I wanted. But I don't want to put my child into another day of daycare because I would miss her too much and it would make me too sad. And I don't want to scale back my work any more than I already have because I enjoy it too much and I love the sense of purpose and satisfaction that it gives me. So I choose this. It's messy and lacks the boundaries and padding that I like, but it's what I want. And I'll continue to choose it until [or unless] there comes a time when it is truly no longer working. But until then, I want to let go of the anger and frustration that I feel towards no one (myself?) around my chosen situation. There is no perfect balance, or job, or home-life situation. Anyone who makes it look like they've got it all figured out doesn't--not really, not one hundred percent. But maybe what sets me apart from the person who seems to have things more "figured out" is that she has accepted her situation and learned to work with it. Therefore, this is going to be my new mantra every time I start to feel those negative feelings bubble up: I choose this. I have chosen this. I keep choosing this. If I am not happy with things, I can make another choice and change them. But for now, I choose this.   Author's note: I hate the term "baby weight" and the whole culture around "losing the baby weight." I think it's stupid and plays into the idea that women should be able to "bounce right back" after their bodies have gone through the biggest transformation + journey possible. That being said, I've written this post partly in jest and partly in all seriousness because I think that the way our bodies change because of pregnancy is interesting and because my relationship with my body + body image issues has changed *so* much since becoming a mom. Before I was ever pregnant--before motherhood was ever really on my radar--I was always worried about the weight gain that would come with pregnancy and childbirth. I'd heard all of the stories about how hard it can be to "lose the baby weight," and as someone who has struggled a lot with body image and eating issues in the past, I worried that the extra pounds associated with this life change would be a big deal for me (if and when I had a child). In reality, they weren't. I was lucky; I had a healthy and active pregnancy and I felt great in my body the entire time. I was able to walk, workout, and do yoga right up until I gave birth, and despite suffering from some birth injuries, I was able to start moving again fairly soon after labor and delivery. And my worries about what my body would look + feel like after having a baby? They were really a non-issue. After having Charlie Mae, for the first time in my life, the shape of my body just didn't matter that much to me anymore. I had something much more important to think about now--keeping my baby alive, getting through the day, and trying desperately to find time to get some sleep. Everything else fell to the wayside. Once my body had carried, birthed, and fed my child, I also had such a newfound appreciation for it that I no longer felt like beating it up. Similarly, as I've already noted, I just didn't have the time and/or energy to think about my dimply thighs or softer-than-normal belly anymore because I was too exhausted (have I mentioned that I was tired during the first year of Charlie Mae's life?!?). Which brings me to the title of this post, "How I Lost the Baby Weight." Here's how I "shed those extra lbs" (HAHAHA) after having a baby, which was *totally* intentional and took lots of planning, time, and energy on my part--all of which new moms have plenty (LOL):
So there you go. I've also been drinking way more red wine these days, eating dark chocolate every night (total mom cliches, I know...) and in general, working out way less than ever before (time and frequency-wise). Who knew these were the keys to a normal body weight!?!?! All of that being said, I do want to emphasize that my body is very different now. Even though I may weigh the same amount as I did pre-baby, my skin is saggier in places, certain parts of my body that weren't even that perky before are even less perky now (again, HAHAHA), but my acceptance of my body is so different it's striking. These days, what my body looks like to others just doesn't matter to me; what matters is how I feel inside of my body. And although my lower back is sore from picking up my toddler all the time and I'm always tired and have way more break-outs post-baby than I did before (WTF has happened to my skin!??!!), I feel pretty good inside this body right now, regardless. And that's one of the biggest non-Charlie-Mae-related gifts that pregnancy and childbirth has given me.  PS. As you may have noticed, this post went up on Tuesday, not my usual Monday. For the time being, I've decided to drop my blogging days down to Tuesdays and Fridays, because I need a bit more time in my schedule for work and family logistics right now. As I told you on my blogiversary last month, I am going to be blogging as long as it's a thing so this is not my way of slowly quitting or anything, it's just my way of scaling back for a while. Be sure to follow me on Instagram and Facebook to stay connected on non-blogging days!
 This past weekend, Ben and I finally pulled together all of our tax documents to send to our accountant (Tax Preparer = best investment EVER). As we were looking back at our finances for 2017--and comparing them to our 2016 and 2015 finances--I was once again reminded that having a baby has affected our finances in a BIG way. Before you have kids, people you that "kids are expensive" and that your financial situation will change once you're parents; but just like everything else when it comes it parenting, it's really hard to truly understand what this means until you're experiencing it firsthand. It's like the sleep deprivation that comes along with parenting: it sounds doable and exaggerated before you've ever dealt with it ("How could it possibly be that bad?") and then you realize that everyone was right and it is HELL ON EARTH AND NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT KIND OF TORTURE ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. But I digress. My point is that it doesn't seem like your finances should change that drastically when you have just one little baby (or toddler) but for us, they really have. And one of the main reasons for this is because I work for myself. As I've explained here many times before, when you work for yourself in the way that I do (in a primarily service-based area of business), for the most part, you only make money if you're working. Meaning, if I'm not able to sit down at my desk and "clock-in", or go into a studio and teach a yoga class or workshop, I don't get paid. My income is variable and is mostly based on how much I can get done in a day, a week, or a month. My schedule is also variable which allows me to work when it's most convenient and scale back when needed. Because of this, our current financial situation is VERY different than it was at this time two years ago; we have to pay much more attention to when and how we're spending our money now, we're not putting as much away into savings each month, and things just feel much "tighter" now than they ever did before we were parents. But this change in our finances is so much bigger than the statement "kids are expensive" would have you believe. It's not just about the child care costs or the cost of diapers and clothes--although sure, those things play into the total cost of having a child--but more about the hidden costs of having a baby and especially the hidden costs associated with being self-employed and having a flexible work schedule (blessing and a curse). Here's how some of these hidden costs have affected us over the past 18 months: When you have a child and work for yourself, you immediately experience a huge decrease in the amount of time you are able to work (even if you have child care!) and thus, your income decreases accordingly. I know this sound obvious but here's the reason it's a "hidden" cost: I knew I wouldn't be able to work as much as I used to. I knew I would be scaling back. I planned for part-time childcare (vs. full-time) because I wanted to be home with my child some of the time, and I knew that would result in lost income. But what I didn't understand about being self-employed? Whenever things fall through, you're the one who is "available" to pick up the slack. So when Charlie Mae is sick, I'm the one who is home with her. When day care is closed because the owner's child is sick or because her power is out (which has happened twice in the past few weeks!), I'm the one who "takes the day off" to be with Charlie Mae because I'm the one who has the flexibility to make super last-minute changes to my day. Similarly, in addition to these uncontrollable lost work days that all parents deal with (but that those on salary still get paid for), I didn't expect that there would also be additional "controllable" but still desired lost work time. You all know that I love what I do and that I adore working, but I also adore spending time with my child and it's really important to me to be sure I do so every day. On some days--even if I'm slammed with work and could use every second of childcare possible--I pick her up early from daycare so that I can spend some quality time with her before I have to go teach in the evening. And despite the fact that my business (and stress levels) could definitely benefit from adding a fourth day of daycare each week (we currently only do 3), I won't do it because I want two days at home with my child. I couldn't have anticipated how my strong desire to spend time with Charlie Mae would result in a decrease in even more lost work time. Lastly, I've lost a lot of the time that I used to spend working in my mind, if not at my desk. For instance, I used to take Sayde on hour-long walks every day during which I would listen to podcasts and get business ideas, learn about current trends in my field, and get inspired. I also used to spend more time reading about business, doing continuing education, and taking e-courses. All of that is gone. I don't have the time to do any extras right now. When I walk Sayde, I'm also pushing a stroller and entertaining a toddler and my mind is full. This also results in lost income. When you don't have as much time to work, you have to start outsourcing tasks that you used to do yourself, and thus, have more business [and household] expenses. Although this is related to the above points, it's also slightly different. When I thought about the expenses related to having a child, I didn't think about that fact that I would have so much less time to devote to both business and household tasks and therefore, would have to pay someone to do the things that I used to do. For instance, in the past 18 months I've had to rely much more on Sara, who works for me at Starr Struck Design Studio, than in years past. She is a Godsend and has SAVED me in so many ways since having Charlie Mae, but it's also much more expensive to pay an employee for more hours of work. Similarly, because my precious "free time" needs to be spent working, we've had to pay to outsource more of our household tasks: we sent Sayde away to a very expensive doggy training bootcamp because we didn't have the time to go to weekly trainings ourselves and knew we had to train her. We upped our house cleanings to 2x per month because we simply couldn't stay on top of the cleaning ourselves. We've hired someone to do a bunch of home improvement projects that we might have attempted on our own in the past but knew we would NEVER get to now. We've had to get a lot more takeout in the past 18 months because there have been many nights when neither of us were home to cook. As you can imagine, all of this really adds up. The right part-time child care situation is harder to find than expected, and you can spend tons of money figuring out the best situation for your family. When I was pregnant, I thought I had the child care thing figured out. I had hired someone to come to our house and watch Charlie Mae at home while I worked and I knew it was going to be perfect. Spoiler alert: it was not. As I've mentioned many times before here on the blog, I spent the first 6 months of Charlie Mae's life paying people to watch my child as I sat in my office, paralyzed, and listened to her cry. Then when working from home didn't work, I spent precious child care hours driving back and forth from the local library--working in 1 hour increments--so that I wasn't in the house and she wouldn't smell me, but so that I could still rush home and breastfeed her when needed (she would never take a bottle). In the beginning we bled money as I paid people for hours and hours of child care during which I got little-to-no work done, hoping that one day my child would get used to that person and the lost money would be worth it. Eventually, we found an in-home daycare that worked much better for Charlie Mae (and got her out of the house and away from me, which is what we needed), but even that took a while to adjust to and meant many, many months of short, half-days of daycare (even though I was paying for full-days). The hours of unused childcare that we have paid for in Charlie Mae's 18 months on this Earth is kind of horrifying. I had no idea that this could possibly happen before I was a parent. Sleep deprivation affects your productivity and when your productivity affects your bottom line, you feel your child's Sleep Regressions in your bank account. While every parents' productivity is affected by sleep deprivation, this doesn't matter as much when you work for a big company with tons of employees. When you work for yourself, if you're sleep deprived, your business becomes sleep deprived, too. You're not as motivated. You're not as inspired. You have less energy to do the things that keep you healthy and clear-headed, like working out and eating healthy. All of this affects your ability to work efficiently with minimal errors. If you're lucky (like I am), you have an amazing employee or assistant who can ease some of this burden, pick up the slack when-needed, and catch your mistakes, but it's still a big [internal] business issue. But wait--there's more! Here are a few of the un-hidden, out-in-the-open costs of having a child when you're self-employed that I think are worth mentioning in a brief roll-call: You don't have paid maternity leave, you don't have personal sick days (but are sick ALL of the time now that your child is bringing home all of the germs), you don't get paid vacation days, and you don't have any of the employer perks that some parents get, like discounts on specific daycares or products or travel. And don't forget about the cost of health insurance, which many self-employed people have to buy themselves! While this issue didn't affect me personally because Ben works for the state, I should also mention that many self-employed parents have to buy their own health insurance. And often this health insurance isn't as good as an employer-provided policy would be or has a higher deductible, which means that in these cases medical costs (like birth, pediatrician's appointments, follow-up OB-GYN visits, etc) can be way more expensive. I know some self-employed people who had to pay upwards of 10k out of pocket for their hospital births [with insurance]. Unacceptable! So yeah, the struggle is real. I'd obviously do it again in a heartbeat and any financial hardship is totally worth it in my book, but as you know, I think it's important to talk about these things. And I also think it's important to remind all of my fellow parents that there isn't an easy or right answer when it comes to working (or not working) and parenting. My flexible, work-from-home, part-time stay-at-home-parent situation might sound like the ideal, but I'm here to assure you that while I'm very grateful for this life situation, it is not without it's own set of challenges + drawbacks, and it has definitely resulted in a loss of income for our household. Parenting, huh? Such a wonderful challenge.  
In this week's episode + the Season 4 Finale of Starr Struck Radio's mom-centric season, we discuss some of the surprises and unexpected experiences that accompany childbirth, motherhood, and child-rearing. There are so many things we were unprepared for before becoming moms!
You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio"). Thank so much to everyone who has listened to this 4th season of the show. Starr Struck Radio *will* be back at some point in the future, I just don't know when or how, so stay tuned ;)
A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:
You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. Thanks for listening! 
 On Saturday night, our "big plans" were to eat dinner at home as a family and then, after Charlie Mae went to bed, start up a new show. Charlie Mae is at the age where it's no longer very fun to go out to dinner as a family because she just wants to get down and run around the whole time {+ she's warming up her tantrum muscles}, so we've started laying low more than usual on the weekends. Oh, and of course she's sick again, so after a day of dealing with an uncomfortable, extra-clingy, extra-whiny child and wiping her nose approximately every 20 seconds, we knew we weren't up for attempting a dinner out. Thus, we each had a glass of wine at home (to which Charlie Mae pointed and said, "Wieeennnn!" which always makes me feel like I'm #winning in the parenting department), Ben made us a *delicious* dinner, and then, we put Charlie Mae to bed. But first we had to use the Snotsucker on her (yum), which obviously causes a horrible breakdown because who likes to have their brains sucked out through their nose (not me!)? After getting her down, Ben and I settled in on the couch. Finally. I had been looking forward to spending time together + watching a new show all day long. We had made it. About 15 minutes into the show, Ben changed positions on the couch and laid his head on my shoulder. I looked over at him because his head felt *really* heavy and wouldn't you know it, his eyes were closed. I should stop right here and say that if you've never watched TV with someone who has a tendency to fall asleep the second they sit down to watch it, it's kind of infuriating. Not if it happens once or twice--that's understandable--but when it happens all the time. Part of the fun of getting into a new show with someone is the fact that you're sharing the experience with them and can talk about it, look forward to it together, etc. When your TV partner falls asleep every time that a show comes on you have to decide if you're going to, A) Keep watching it and then have to either explain the entire plot line to them before watching the next episode (and then still answer all of their questions the entire time you watch it because they don't know who anyone is or why they're doing what they're doing), B) Keep watching and then rewatch the entire episode you've already seen with them, or, C) Stop watching that show and watch something else on your own--but if you do this you have to make sure that the show you pick isn't something that they also want to see and know that they will inevitably still wake up and say, "Hey, why did you turn off our show?" Anyways, I digress. So, Ben fell asleep and slept through the entire show. It was a really good show and when it was over he woke up and said, "It obviously wasn't that good because it didn't hold my attention enough to keep me up." Ha! Hahahahahahaha. After that lovely moment, Ben wanted to keep sleeping on the couch for a little while (as he does) so I decided to go up to bed to read--trying to hold back my annoyance but kind of failing as I grumpily stormed past him and up the stairs. As I walked into our bedroom after tip-toeing up the stairs and quietly sneaking through the baby gate, I noisily tripped over the plastic basin that goes along with the new potty we got for Charlie Mae. While she hasn't yet shown much interest in sitting on the potty, she does enjoy pulling the plastic basin out and using it as a carrier for her toys, which is why it was in the doorway, waiting to be tripped on. Instead of feeling annoyed that this basin had never been picked up, it made me smile because it reminded me of Charlie Mae and our day of playing. What a funny little child we have. Then I walked over to my bed and pulled back the covers, getting ready to crawl in, and found a bunch of foam fish bath toys hidden under the sheets. I had forgotten about the game we were playing earlier, in which Charlie Mae would hide a bunch of fish under the comforter and then look at me, arms up in a questioning position alongside her body and say, "Where did fishy go?" I smiled as I picked up the "fishies" and set them on the floor. That was a really cute game. Then I climbed into bed, put on my hand lotion and chapstick (as you do), and took my hairband out of my hair. As I ran my hands through my hair I found not one, but two heart stickers stuck to my head. Again, I smiled as I pulled them out (along with a couple pieces of my hair which I SWEAR I'm still losing at an alarming rate since having a baby), and remembered a day filled with putting stickers on anything + everything and re-using each one until it had completely lost it's sticky backing. I finally laid my head on my pillow and turned on my Kindle. Despite all of the little annoyances I had experienced all day long, I smiled because it been a good day in mom-land. Or in the words of Phil Vassar, just another day in paradise. Fellow parents, are you with me?  
In this week's episode of Starr Struck Radio's mom-centric season, Sara and I talk about the challenges of being a mom in the digital age; we discuss some of our personal struggles with being a mother to young children at a time when the internet, smart phones, and screens are such a big part of our lives, and we invite Sara's boys onto the show for a kid's perspective on the topic ;)
You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").
A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:
Thanks for listening! 
It's our special holiday bonus episode of Starr Struck Radio! Yippppeeeee!
In this week's show, we share + discuss listener-submitted #MOMFAILS...and let me tell you, these momfails are awesome/horrible (in the very best way possible)--a must-listen for overwhelmed moms everywhere! Thanks so much to everyone who sent in your stories. You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").
A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So great.
You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. Thanks for listening! 
In this week's episode of Starr Struck Radio, Sara and I discuss the craziness of momming during the holiday season and share some kid-friendly travel + holiday tips that will {hopefully} leave you feeling better prepared to brave the rest of 2017. I know the conversation was helpful for me; thanks for all the wisdom, Sara!
You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").
A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:
You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. Thanks for listening! 
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HELLO!I'm Mary Catherine, a Cape Cod-based yoga teacher, painter, designer, writer, mom, and list-maker extraordinaire. My goal is to inspire you to start living a more creative, simple, joyful, + purposeful life.
{Learn more + read my story} 
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DISCLOSURE
This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. From time to time, I accept compensation for sponsored posts and campaigns. However, any sponsored content will be clearly identified as paid or sponsored. Even though I receive compensation for sponsored posts, I always give my honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics or products. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely my own.
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I am also a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.