I was listening to an episode of the On Being podcast yesterday (this one--it's definitely worth a listen!) and the host, Krista Tippett, said, "Children teach us that love in it's purest form is a kind of service." When I heard her say this, I immediately pressed pause to jot it down.

Let me repeat it for you: Children teach us that love in it's purest form is a kind of service.

In one quick sentence, this quote distilled motherhood for me in a way that I had never heard it distilled before--love as service, love that is so strong that you would do (and do do) everything for that person. And not necessarily in a sacrificial or selfless way (although it can be in that way, too), but because you want to. 

This kind of service-based love is new for me. Maybe because before becoming a mother, I was never a super service-oriented person (or should I just say, because I was very selfish with my time and energy?). I've never had to be the primary caretaker of a sick or disabled family member or friend, I've never volunteered long-term in one particular area of service, I've never had a job as a caretaker, and besides Sayde, I'd never had another being rely on me for survival. 

But now that I'm a mom, I really do see that pure love is a kind of service.

​I want to give Charlie Mae everything she could ever need. I don't because I can't (and because I know that ultimately, that wouldn't be good for her), but I am "at her service" and I actually enjoy it (not all the time, of course, but most of the time). It feels good to think about someone else, to be pulled out of my brain and out of the endless loops of my monkey mind, and instead, be forced into the present moment by a toddler who needs me and needs me NOW.

It also feels good to love someone SO much that I want to do things for her that I don't particularly enjoy. It's nice to love someone so much that when I find a booger on her leg, I pick it off without even thinking about it--and then it gets stuck on my finger in public and I can't get it off and there are no tissues in sight but I'm still not grossed out (ha!). It's a relief to take care of her and know that I'm doing something important even if it only looks like I'm sitting in the grass in the back yard playing with weeds. 

After I heard this quote about having children I called Ben and read it to him. I said to him, "We need to remember this--that love in it's purest form is a kind of service--and do more for each other. Because it's true, when someone does things for you it makes you feel more loved and doing someone for someone else is a tangible act of love." 

I think this is the part of love that I often forget about. I know love is a feeling and an emotion and that it's really powerful. I know that when it's the healthy kind of love, love motivates and dictates and inspires. But I often forget that love is a kind of service.

It's a choice to take care of someone else and to be there for them even when you don't necessarily want to be. That's what makes true, long-term love so hard but also makes it so special. And that's what motherhood has taught me without my even realizing it until now: in it's purest form, love is a kind of service. 

I am so grateful that I get to serve Charlie Mae as her mother. 

Last week's post about being the Household Manager said a lot about Ben and most of it wasn't positive, per se. I know that despite my stating (twice) that the post wasn't meant to be a bitchfest about Ben, some people just skimmed it and decided that it was, in fact, just a bitchfest about Ben.

Ben even said that he had two people ask him "if everything was okay" between us, despite my saying the following in the first few paragraphs of the post:  

Before I go any further into my own experience with this frustrating subject, I should say that this post is not a critique of Ben at all. Ben is an amazing father and husband; he carries quite a mental load himself and does a lot around our house: he cooks all of our dinners, he does almost all of our grocery shopping, he pays all of our bills and maintains our yard, he does his own laundry. Three nights per week, he comes home from work and immediately handles all evening Charlie Mae duties while I head out to teach yoga. 

Of course I go on to say a lot about what Ben doesn't do around the house, but the point that I was trying to make in this post is that it's not Ben's fault that our society {a Patriarchy} has taught him that all of the extra things I handle around the house are "just the things that women do" and thus, he doesn't have to worry about them.

It's not his fault that I saw my mom doing everything for everyone as I grew up (and she saw her mom doing the same as she grew up...) and therefore just took everything on without even realizing or thinking about it ["because that's just what moms do"].

It's not Ben's fault that he doesn't even know that the invisible workload I carry around in my mind exists. Or that he wasn't raised in a society where he was expected to be the one to stay home with the sick child when both parents work. My frustration is way bigger than my relationship with Ben--it's about how impossible it is to do everything that women are now expected to do in our culture while working (if that's something a woman wants to do, which I do). 

So, just to be 100% clear: Ben and I are good. You don't need to worry about us. 

Sure, we have stuff to work on as a couple and as you can tell from my post, we're still figuring out how to run a family + household together in a way that works for everyone, but we're in a good place and still very much in love, very committed, and very happy together. We had a hard first year as parents [aka sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on everything] but we've reconnected and I think he's the greatest. 

On the other hand, me and my role as Household Manager? We're not so good. I don't want the Household Manager job on top of all of my other jobs--or, I don't want to fill this role alone. I want a co-Household Manager in my husband and I think I deserve one.

I also think that Ben is up to the challenge and can do the job just as well as I can if given the chance ;)

Image above: Charlie Mae sees the path ahead of her and is NOT impressed. If nothing else, we need to change this system to give our daughters another option!
​
On Mother's Day, my social media feeds were filled with sweet posts about moms. They were really beautiful and I loved reading them--especially the ones written by husbands about their wives. You know the posts I'm talking about, right? The husband posts about his amazing wife and how much she does for the family, the household, and the kids. He says how grateful he is for her and her ability to hold everything together despite _____. 

But then Mother's Day passes and the mom featured in said post goes back to grinding it out. Or maybe she doesn't even get a break (not a real one) on Mother's Day--I'm sure lots of mothers were left cleaning up the kitchen after their husbands and kids made them breakfast, or folding laundry and catching up on their own work while their partners napped off their "exhausting" mornings with the kids.  

The conversation about the mental load (often called emotional labor and/or The Invisible Workload) that women and mothers carry around is not a new one, but it feels like it's been everywhere lately and as a new[ish] mom who has just recently started to feel the effects of this phenomenon, it's become increasingly important to me. 

[Note: Many articles about this subject have captured the issue way more succinctly than I ever could, so I've included a couple of my favorite posts about this subject at the bottom of this post.]

Before I go any further into my own experience with this frustrating subject, I should say that this post is not a critique of Ben at all. Ben is an amazing father and husband; he carries quite a mental load himself and does a lot around our house: he cooks all of our dinners, he does almost all of our grocery shopping, he pays all of our bills and maintains our yard, he does his own laundry. Three nights per week, he comes home from work and immediately handles all evening Charlie Mae duties while I head out to teach yoga. 

But what he doesn't understand and will never understand is the hefty mental burden that I carry around at all times as our Full-Time Household and Child Manager. 

[And Historian. And Administrator. And Scheduler. And Organizer. And Decorator.]

Ben has never had to think about what season is coming up and whether or not Charlie Mae has appropriate clothes that fit her for that season. He has never done a single load of her laundry, has never clipped her fingernails, has never even thought about whether or not we have enough diapers or wipes. He doesn't have to worry about her daycare schedule and who will drop her off and pick her up. When she gets a splinter in her foot, he isn't the one researching the best way to get it out and then holding her down while she screams and he tries to remove it. 

Ben has never changed out a roll of toilet paper in our house and when something is missing, he has no idea where to look (duh). He has never changed out a moldy shower curtain or washed a bath mat or cleaned off the base of the electric toothbrush. Every time that Sayde has an accident in our house (which unfortunately, happens more regularly than we'd like), I have to ask him to clean it up and he then asks me how to do so (despite having done it himself many times in the past).

I write the thank you notes and remind Ben to call and thank people who give him gifts. I remind him to make doctor's appointments for himself--or rather, I beg him to make doctor's appointments for himself and often have to research the doctor and give him the name and number of a doctor covered by our insurance before he actually calls.

While I was out of town this past weekend (with our child), Ben called to tell me that Sayde had gotten into some sort of nighttime altercation with a critter when he let her out (yikes!) and that unbeknownst to him, had bled all over our comforter and sheets. When I got home a few days later, I saw that the comforter was still on our bed, that our sheets were still splashed with blood, and that Ben had no intention of handling the situation; he'd rather just sleep on bloody sheets. 

Again, this is not meant to be a bitchfest about Ben, but rather, a comment on what we Household Managers have to handle and think about that the non-Household Managers don't have to handle or think about. It's a post meant to show you that even as a feminist--and as someone who came into my relationship, marriage, and parenting experience focused on equality and sharing the responsibilities--we've fallen into the exact same roles that SO many couples do. Because these roles are ingrained in us since childhood. 

Despite the fact that we both work and my schedule is just as full as his (if not more so!), I am still the de facto CEO of the household, too. I have to remember what has to be done and ask Ben do to it. I have to delegate ("nag"), remind ("nag"), and cajole ("nag"). Often, I end up having to just do it myself rather than have the fight caused by the "nagging" it takes to get him to do the things I ask him to do.  

It's exhausting.

And I can't imagine what it would be like with 3 kids, or a job that required me to be in an office 40+ hours per week, or with a partner who had a much more demanding work schedule. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that it feels like no one is immune to this disease of inequality in the home because it takes GREAT effort to undo what year and years and years of gender inequality have done to our household roles--and ain't no frazzled mom got the time or energy it would take to even things out. It's easier to just do it herself and move on to the next thing. 

BUT! We can try. And I've decided to try harder because it's important to me to model a different way for Charlie Mae as she gets older.

I've sent Ben some Required Reading (he loves when I do this) and fellow Household Managers, if this post speaks to you, you can do the same. If you haven't already, read the following articles and then send them to your partner!

• You Should've Asked: A MUST-READ in comic form. It explains how we got here and offers solutions!
• Women Aren't Nags--We're Just Fed Up: YASSSSSS. 
• The Default Parent: A really funny take on this same subject. 
  
  

And once you've done that, do some of the small things that Emma recommends at the end of her "You Should've Asked" comic:

• Go back and start from the beginning and divide up recurring chores.
• Learn to be okay with things lying around until your partner handles them (if it's one of his duties). 
• When you remember to do so, purposefully leave the house without preparing everything for your partner and make him handle things on his own (this is how we learn!). 
  
  

We can do it, you guys. Household Managers UNITE!

There was a day last week when I was feeling pretty frazzled. Mentally, I was being pulled in two different directions: it was a non-daycare day, so Charlie Mae was home with me, but I also had a bunch of client emails coming in about work that needed to be done ASAP.

The two places where I put most of my time + energy were competing in my mind--my work needed me and my daughter needed me. And I needed them both. 

I found myself feeling that familiar sense of anxiety creep in...and a sense of resentment and undirected anger. I never have enough time for all of my work. I hate having to choose between my daughter and my work. I hate feeling like I never get to spend as much time with Charlie Mae as I want to...

And then out of nowhere, I was struck with a thought: but I have chosen this life. And I continue to choose it again and again. I have TOTAL free will when it comes to my situation and I have made all of the choices that have led me to this moment. And I continue to make those same choices. 

We could add another day of daycare if I really wanted to or needed to. Our daycare has the space and we can afford it. Or I could take on less work so that I don't have as much on my plate; of course we need my income, but we could make it work if that's what I wanted.  

But I don't want to put my child into another day of daycare because I would miss her too much and it would make me too sad. And I don't want to scale back my work any more than I already have because I enjoy it too much and I love the sense of purpose and satisfaction that it gives me. 

So I choose this. It's messy and lacks the boundaries and padding that I like, but it's what I want. And I'll continue to choose it until [or unless] there comes a time when it is truly no longer working. But until then, I want to let go of the anger and frustration that I feel towards no one (myself?) around my chosen situation.

There is no perfect balance, or job, or home-life situation. Anyone who makes it look like they've got it all figured out doesn't--not really, not one hundred percent. But maybe what sets me apart from the person who seems to have things more "figured out" is that she has accepted her situation and learned to work with it.

Therefore, this is going to be my new mantra every time I start to feel those negative feelings bubble up: I choose this. I have chosen this. I keep choosing this. If I am not happy with things, I can make another choice and change them.

But for now, I choose this. 

Author's note: I hate the term "baby weight" and the whole culture around "losing the baby weight." I think it's stupid and plays into the idea that women should be able to "bounce right back" after their bodies have gone through the biggest transformation + journey possible. That being said, I've written this post partly in jest and partly in all seriousness because I think that the way our bodies change because of pregnancy is interesting and because my relationship with my body + body image issues has changed *so* much since becoming a mom. 

Before I was ever pregnant--before motherhood was ever really on my radar--I was always worried about the weight gain that would come with pregnancy and childbirth. I'd heard all of the stories about how hard it can be to "lose the baby weight," and as someone who has struggled a lot with body image and eating issues in the past, I worried that the extra pounds associated with this life change would be a big deal for me (if and when I had a child).

In reality, they weren't.

I was lucky; I had a healthy and active pregnancy and I felt great in my body the entire time. I was able to walk, workout, and do yoga right up until I gave birth, and despite suffering from some birth injuries, I was able to start moving again fairly soon after labor and delivery. 

And my worries about what my body would look + feel like after having a baby? They were really a non-issue. After having Charlie Mae, for the first time in my life, the shape of my body just didn't matter that much to me anymore. I had something much more important to think about now--keeping my baby alive, getting through the day, and trying desperately to find time to get some sleep. Everything else fell to the wayside. 

Once my body had carried, birthed, and fed my child, I also had such a newfound appreciation for it that I no longer felt like beating it up. Similarly, as I've already noted, I just didn't have the time and/or energy to think about my dimply thighs or softer-than-normal belly anymore because I was too exhausted (have I mentioned that I was tired during the first year of Charlie Mae's life?!?). 

Which brings me to the title of this post, "How I Lost the Baby Weight." Here's how I "shed those extra lbs" (HAHAHA) after having a baby, which was *totally* intentional and took lots of planning, time, and energy on my part--all of which new moms have plenty (LOL):

1. Because I didn't have the time to think about what I was eating, I just ate when I was hungry (which was always) and ate whatever was put in front of me. After having Charlie Mae, I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I didn't have time to obsess about what I was eating. For the first time EVER, I didn't think about which foods were "good" and which foods were "bad" and I didn't think about portions or having seconds or anything else; I ate when I was hungry and since I was always hungry, I ate a lot. Ben took over making all of our meals and when he made me food--whatever it was--I would eat it. This is still the case; he cooks and I eat whatever is presented to me. Ain't nobody got time to think about calories or fat content or any of that mumbo jumbo anymore! And wow has that been freeing. 
   
   
2. My child didn't ever take a bottle and has literally been latched onto my boobs for most of her life. So this means that for 19+ months, my body has been producing breastmilk and my baby has been sucking all of my calories out of my body. Seriously, this girl was a breastfeeding fiend and was still getting most of her nutrients and food from me long after her first birthday. I *do not* recommend having a baby who won't take a bottle to anyone (so. hard.) but in the end, I do think that this challenge helped me "bounce back to my pre-baby weight" (HAHAHAHA. How do people write things like this without dying inside the whole time?).
   
   
3. I have a psycho little dog who would drive everyone in the house INSANE unless I got her out for a walk every day. Sayde is wonderful and we love her so much but as you know by now, she is also a total ball of energy/is totally crazy and she needs her exercise. Because of Sayde, even in the early days and in the middle of winter, Charlie Mae and I would bundle up and go outside to take Sayde on a long walk (every. single. day.). This was not by choice and I often dreaded all of the gear and time it took to get us outside, but it did keep me active. So, HOT TIP! If you are trying to lose the baby weight, just get yourself an anxiety-ridden rescue dog with an anger management problem and a never-ending supply of energy and you'll drop those pounds easily, too! 
   
   
4. I had to get active again [quickly] because my job as a yoga teacher required me to be active. I had planned on getting back to teaching yoga around 10-12 weeks postpartum, so I had a legit reason for needing to get back to yoga and fitness classes ASAP. This was great "motivation" [aka it was kind of stressful!] for getting back to building my strength and flexibility as soon as I could. In retrospect, I went back to work too early, but that's another post altogether. Similarly, my coping method for stress and anxiety is to move my body, get on my yoga mat, or go take a class, and since I have never been as stressed and anxious as I was in that first year as a mom, I would sneak out for a class whenever I could (which was WAY less than before, of course). 
   
   
5. MommaStrong. This one is totally serious and it has been a LIFESAVER. It's a cheap but super effective online fitness program for moms that only takes 15 minutes per day and is geared towards our messy, hectic lives. I became a member when Charlie Mae was about 4 months old and have been doing it regularly ever since. This one has taken some serious effort on my part (and dedication) but has been well worth it because I know it has made me stronger and kept me sane. 

So there you go. I've also been drinking way more red wine these days, eating dark chocolate every night (total mom cliches, I know...) and in general, working out way less than ever before (time and frequency-wise).

Who knew these were the keys to a normal body weight!?!?!

All of that being said, I do want to emphasize that my body is very different now. Even though I may weigh the same amount as I did pre-baby, my skin is saggier in places, certain parts of my body that weren't even that perky before are even less perky now (again, HAHAHA), but my acceptance of my body is so different it's striking.

These days, what my body looks like to others just doesn't matter to me; what matters is how I feel inside of my body. And although my lower back is sore from picking up my toddler all the time and I'm always tired and have way more break-outs post-baby than I did before (WTF has happened to my skin!??!!), I feel pretty good inside this body right now, regardless.

And that's one of the biggest non-Charlie-Mae-related gifts that pregnancy and childbirth has given me. 

This past weekend, Ben and I finally pulled together all of our tax documents to send to our accountant (Tax Preparer = best investment EVER). As we were looking back at our finances for 2017--and comparing them to our 2016 and 2015 finances--I was once again reminded that having a baby has affected our finances in a BIG way.

Before you have kids, people you that "kids are expensive" and that your financial situation will change once you're parents; but just like everything else when it comes it parenting, it's really hard to truly understand what this means until you're experiencing it firsthand.

It's like the sleep deprivation that comes along with parenting: it sounds doable and exaggerated before you've ever dealt with it ("How could it possibly be that bad?") and then you realize that everyone was right and it is HELL ON EARTH AND NO HUMAN BEING SHOULD EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT KIND OF TORTURE ON A NIGHTLY BASIS.

But I digress. My point is that it doesn't seem like your finances should change that drastically when you have just one little baby (or toddler) but for us, they really have. And one of the main reasons for this is because I work for myself. 

As I've explained here many times before, when you work for yourself in the way that I do (in a primarily service-based area of business), for the most part, you only make money if you're working. Meaning, if I'm not able to sit down at my desk and "clock-in", or go into a studio and teach a yoga class or workshop, I don't get paid.

My income is variable and is mostly based on how much I can get done in a day, a week, or a month. My schedule is also variable which allows me to work when it's most convenient and scale back when needed. 

Because of this, our current financial situation is VERY different than it was at this time two years ago; we have to pay much more attention to when and how we're spending our money now, we're not putting as much away into savings each month, and things just feel much "tighter" now than they ever did before we were parents.

But this change in our finances is so much bigger than the statement "kids are expensive" would have you believe. It's not just about the child care costs or the cost of diapers and clothes--although sure, those things play into the total cost of having a child--but more about the hidden costs of having a baby and especially the hidden costs associated with being self-employed and having a flexible work schedule (blessing and a curse).  

Here's how some of these hidden costs have affected us over the past 18 months: 

When you have a child and work for yourself, you immediately experience a huge decrease in the amount of time you are able to work (even if you have child care!) and thus, your income decreases accordingly.

I know this sound obvious but here's the reason it's a "hidden" cost: I knew I wouldn't be able to work as much as I used to. I knew I would be scaling back. I planned for part-time childcare (vs. full-time) because I wanted to be home with my child some of the time, and I knew that would result in lost income.

But what I didn't understand about being self-employed? Whenever things fall through, you're the one who is "available" to pick up the slack. So when Charlie Mae is sick, I'm the one who is home with her. When day care is closed because the owner's child is sick or because her power is out (which has happened twice in the past few weeks!), I'm the one who "takes the day off" to be with Charlie Mae because I'm the one who has the flexibility to make super last-minute changes to my day. 

Similarly, in addition to these uncontrollable lost work days that all parents deal with (but that those on salary still get paid for), I didn't expect that there would also be additional "controllable" but still desired lost work time.

You all know that I love what I do and that I adore working, but I also adore spending time with my child and it's really important to me to be sure I do so every day. On some days--even if I'm slammed with work and could use every second of childcare possible--I pick her up early from daycare so that I can spend some quality time with her before I have to go teach in the evening.

And despite the fact that my business (and stress levels) could definitely benefit from adding a fourth day of daycare each week (we currently only do 3), I won't do it because I want two days at home with my child. I couldn't have anticipated how my strong desire to spend time with Charlie Mae would result in a decrease in even more lost work time.

Lastly, I've lost a lot of the time that I used to spend working in my mind, if not at my desk. For instance, I used to take Sayde on hour-long walks every day during which I would listen to podcasts and get business ideas, learn about current trends in my field, and get inspired. I also used to spend more time reading about business, doing continuing education, and taking e-courses. All of that is gone. I don't have the time to do any extras right now. When I walk Sayde, I'm also pushing a stroller and entertaining a toddler and my mind is full. This also results in lost income. 

When you don't have as much time to work, you have to start outsourcing tasks that you used to do yourself, and thus, have more business [and household] expenses. 

Although this is related to the above points, it's also slightly different. When I thought about the expenses related to having a child, I didn't think about that fact that I would have so much less time to devote to both business and household tasks and therefore, would have to pay someone to do the things that I used to do.

For instance, in the past 18 months I've had to rely much more on Sara, who works for me at Starr Struck Design Studio, than in years past. She is a Godsend and has SAVED me in so many ways since having Charlie Mae, but it's also much more expensive to pay an employee for more hours of work. 

Similarly, because my precious "free time" needs to be spent working, we've had to pay to outsource more of our household tasks: we sent Sayde away to a very expensive doggy training bootcamp because we didn't have the time to go to weekly trainings ourselves and knew we had to train her. We upped our house cleanings to 2x per month because we simply couldn't stay on top of the cleaning ourselves. We've hired someone to do a bunch of home improvement projects that we might have attempted on our own in the past but knew we would NEVER get to now. We've had to get a lot more takeout in the past 18 months because there have been many nights when neither of us were home to cook. 

As you can imagine, all of this really adds up.

The right part-time child care situation is harder to find than expected, and you can spend tons of money figuring out the best situation for your family. 

When I was pregnant, I thought I had the child care thing figured out. I had hired someone to come to our house and watch Charlie Mae at home while I worked and I knew it was going to be perfect. Spoiler alert: it was not.

As I've mentioned many times before here on the blog, I spent the first 6 months of Charlie Mae's life paying people to watch my child as I sat in my office, paralyzed, and listened to her cry. Then when working from home didn't work, I spent precious child care hours driving back and forth from the local library--working in 1 hour increments--so that I wasn't in the house and she wouldn't smell me, but so that I could still rush home and breastfeed her when needed (she would never take a bottle).

In the beginning we bled money as I paid people for hours and hours of child care during which I got little-to-no work done, hoping that one day my child would get used to that person and the lost money would be worth it. 

Eventually, we found an in-home daycare that worked much better for Charlie Mae (and got her out of the house and away from me, which is what we needed), but even that took a while to adjust to and meant many, many months of short, half-days of daycare (even though I was paying for full-days).

The hours of unused childcare that we have paid for in Charlie Mae's 18 months on this Earth is kind of horrifying. I had no idea that this could possibly happen before I was a parent. 

Sleep deprivation affects your productivity and when your productivity affects your bottom line, you feel your child's Sleep Regressions in your bank account.

While every parents' productivity is affected by sleep deprivation, this doesn't matter as much when you work for a big company with tons of employees.

When you work for yourself, if you're sleep deprived, your business becomes sleep deprived, too. You're not as motivated. You're not as inspired. You have less energy to do the things that keep you healthy and clear-headed, like working out and eating healthy.

All of this affects your ability to work efficiently with minimal errors. If you're lucky (like I am), you have an amazing employee or assistant who can ease some of this burden, pick up the slack when-needed, and catch your mistakes, but it's still a big [internal] business issue.

But wait--there's more! Here are a few of the un-hidden, out-in-the-open costs of having a child when you're self-employed that I think are worth mentioning in a brief roll-call:

You don't have paid maternity leave, you don't have personal sick days (but are sick ALL of the time now that your child is bringing home all of the germs), you don't get paid vacation days, and you don't have any of the employer perks that some parents get, like discounts on specific daycares or products or travel.

And don't forget about the cost of health insurance, which many self-employed people have to buy themselves!

While this issue didn't affect me personally because Ben works for the state, I should also mention that many self-employed parents have to buy their own health insurance. And often this health insurance isn't as good as an employer-provided policy would be or has a higher deductible, which means that in these cases medical costs (like birth, pediatrician's appointments, follow-up OB-GYN visits, etc) can be way more expensive. I know some self-employed people who had to pay upwards of 10k out of pocket for their hospital births [with insurance]. Unacceptable!

So yeah, the struggle is real.

I'd obviously do it again in a heartbeat and any financial hardship is totally worth it in my book, but as you know, I think it's important to talk about these things.

And I also think it's important to remind all of my fellow parents that there isn't an easy or right answer when it comes to working (or not working) and parenting. My flexible, work-from-home, part-time stay-at-home-parent situation might sound like the ideal, but I'm here to assure you that while I'm very grateful for this life situation, it is not without it's own set of challenges + drawbacks, and it has definitely resulted in a loss of income for our household. 

Parenting, huh? Such a wonderful challenge. 

In this week's episode + the Season 4 Finale of Starr Struck Radio's mom-centric season, we discuss some of the surprises and unexpected experiences that accompany childbirth, motherhood, and child-rearing. There are so many things we were unprepared for before becoming moms!

You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").​

Thank so much to everyone who has listened to this 4th season of the show. Starr Struck Radio *will* be back at some point in the future, I just don't know when or how, so stay tuned ;) 

A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:
​

• Here's a link to my birth story blog post
• Here's a link to Namaste Nantucket :)
• Sara's socials: Small City Big Days (blog) + Instagram

You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​​

Thanks for listening! ​​

On Saturday night, our "big plans" were to eat dinner at home as a family and then, after Charlie Mae went to bed, start up a new show. Charlie Mae is at the age where it's no longer very fun to go out to dinner as a family because she just wants to get down and run around the whole time {+ she's warming up her tantrum muscles}, so we've started laying low more than usual on the weekends.

Oh, and of course she's sick again, so after a day of dealing with an uncomfortable, extra-clingy, extra-whiny child and wiping her nose approximately every 20 seconds, we knew we weren't up for attempting a dinner out. 

Thus, we each had a glass of wine at home (to which Charlie Mae pointed and said, "Wieeennnn!" which always makes me feel like I'm #winning in the parenting department), Ben made us a *delicious* dinner, and then, we put Charlie Mae to bed. But first we had to use the Snotsucker on her (yum), which obviously causes a horrible breakdown because who likes to have their brains sucked out through their nose (not me!)? 

After getting her down, Ben and I settled in on the couch. Finally. I had been looking forward to spending time together + watching a new show all day long. We had made it.

About 15 minutes into the show, Ben changed positions on the couch and laid his head on my shoulder. I looked over at him because his head felt *really* heavy and wouldn't you know it, his eyes were closed. 

I should stop right here and say that if you've never watched TV with someone who has a tendency to fall asleep the second they sit down to watch it, it's kind of infuriating. Not if it happens once or twice--that's understandable--but when it happens all the time. Part of the fun of getting into a new show with someone is the fact that you're sharing the experience with them and can talk about it, look forward to it together, etc.

When your TV partner falls asleep every time that a show comes on you have to decide if you're going to, A) Keep watching it and then have to either explain the entire plot line to them before watching the next episode (and then still answer all of their questions the entire time you watch it because they don't know who anyone is or why they're doing what they're doing),  B) Keep watching and then rewatch the entire episode you've already seen with them, or, C) Stop watching that show and watch something else on your own--but if you do this you have to make sure that the show you pick isn't something that they also want to see and know that they will inevitably still wake up and say, "Hey, why did you turn off our show?" Anyways, I digress. 

So, Ben fell asleep and slept through the entire show. It was a really good show and when it was over he woke up and said, "It obviously wasn't that good because it didn't hold my attention enough to keep me up." Ha!

Hahahahahahaha. 

After that lovely moment, Ben wanted to keep sleeping on the couch for a little while (as he does) so I decided to go up to bed to read--trying to hold back my annoyance but kind of failing as I grumpily stormed past him and up the stairs. As I walked into our bedroom after tip-toeing up the stairs and quietly sneaking through the baby gate, I noisily tripped over the plastic basin that goes along with the new potty we got for Charlie Mae. While she hasn't yet shown much interest in sitting on the potty, she does enjoy pulling the plastic basin out and using it as a carrier for her toys, which is why it was in the doorway, waiting to be tripped on. 

Instead of feeling annoyed that this basin had never been picked up, it made me smile because it reminded me of Charlie Mae and our day of playing. What a funny little child we have. 

Then I walked over to my bed and pulled back the covers, getting ready to crawl in, and found a bunch of foam fish bath toys hidden under the sheets. I had forgotten about the game we were playing earlier, in which Charlie Mae would hide a bunch of fish under the comforter and then look at me, arms up in a questioning position alongside her body and say, "Where did fishy go?" I smiled as I picked up the "fishies" and set them on the floor. That was a really cute game. 

Then I climbed into bed, put on my hand lotion and chapstick (as you do), and took my hairband out of my hair. As I ran my hands through my hair I found not one, but two heart stickers stuck to my head.

Again, I smiled as I pulled them out (along with a couple pieces of my hair which I SWEAR I'm still losing at an alarming rate since having a baby), and remembered a day filled with putting stickers on anything + everything and re-using each one until it had completely lost it's sticky backing. 

I finally laid my head on my pillow and turned on my Kindle. Despite all of the little annoyances I had experienced all day long, I smiled because it been a good day in mom-land. Or in the words of Phil Vassar, just another day in paradise.  

Fellow parents, are you with me?

In this week's episode of Starr Struck Radio's mom-centric season, Sara and I talk about the challenges of being a mom in the digital age; we discuss some of our personal struggles with being a mother to young children at a time when the internet, smart phones, and screens are such a big part of our lives, and we invite Sara's boys onto the show for a kid's perspective on the topic ;) 

You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").

A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:
​

• ​The book I mention about parenting toddlers: No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury
• Here's a link to my free yoga class podcast
• Here's a link to the blog post I wrote about this topic and my experience growing up without TV
• The online workout program for moms that we mention: Momma Strong
• Sara's socials: Small City Big Days (blog) + Instagram
  ​
  

You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​​

Thanks for listening! ​​​

It's our special holiday bonus episode of Starr Struck Radio! Yippppeeeee!

In this week's show, we share + discuss listener-submitted #MOMFAILS...and let me tell you, these momfails are awesome/horrible (in the very best way possible)--a must-listen for overwhelmed moms everywhere!

Thanks so much to everyone who sent in your stories. ​You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").

A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:

• Didn't get a chance to share your fave #MOMFAIL before this episode? Don't worry--we'll do this again! You can shoot me an email to share yours at any time :) 
• As decided at the end of the episode, the #MOMFAIL winner is Kelly! Congrats, Kelly. Check your inbox for an email from me about how to claim your prize ;) 
• Sara's socials: Small City Big Days (blog) + Instagram​
• Lastly: remember the AMAZING #momfail story from Ashley about her child's drawing? She gave us permission to share it so I've included an edited version below...

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! So great.

You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​​

Thanks for listening! ​​​

In this week's episode of Starr Struck Radio, Sara and I discuss the craziness of momming during the holiday season and share some kid-friendly travel + holiday tips that will {hopefully} leave you feeling better prepared to brave the rest of 2017. I know the conversation was helpful for me; thanks for all the wisdom, Sara!

You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").

A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:

• Today is the deadline for sharing your #MOMFAILS if you want them included on our special holiday #MOMFAIL episode!  Shoot me an email to share yours :) 
• Here's a link to the blog post that Sara wrote about traveling with a baby
• Sara's socials: Small City Big Days (blog) + Instagram
• Here's a link to Namaste Nantucket--pay your deposit by the end of 2017 to save $200 on the retreat! 

You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​​

Thanks for listening! ​​

When I first quit my 9-5 job and started teaching yoga back in 2010, I taught an average of 15-20 classes per week. I was trying to make a living teaching yoga, I was a new teacher, I was subbing my face off at any location that would let me teach, and I just jumped in. It was a little insane, but I loved it. 

Once I settled into a groove teaching yoga and managing Tranquil Space Arlington on the side, I taught 12 classes per week. I did that for a few years, and then when we moved to Cape Cod and I started teaching here and focusing on really growing my design/art/consulting/online biz, I taught around 10 classes per week. As my business grew,  I eventually dropped down to 8 classes per week, then 7, and that was where I was until I had Charlie Mae.

Since coming back from maternity leave, I've had to drastically change my schedule. Slowly, one by one, I've had to let go of the yoga classes that don't fit into my new life as a mom, and as of this week, I am now down to teaching just 4 yoga classes per week. Four; a far, FAR cry from the 17-ish and even 12 classes per week of my past life as a yoga teacher.

And I'm kind of struggling with it. 

Ever since I made the decision to quit my job and teach yoga, I have defined myself as a yoga teacher. There was a time when I was teaching so much that Ben remembers me sitting up in bed and teaching a forward fold in my sleep. And while I still feel like a full-time yoga teacher at heart, I'm not anymore. Teaching just 4 classes per week means that I teach yoga on the side, that I earn my living doing other things, and that's a really weird concept for me to wrap my head around.

Yesterday, when I taught my last class at Orleans Yoga--one of the first studios to hire me when we moved to the Cape back in 2013--I got way more emotional than I was expecting.

When I first started teaching there, the studio had recently opened and I was a brand new teacher on Cape Cod, so I taught many classes with just a few people in them {as different as you could get from the classes of 20-48 people that I had taught in DC!}. But the studio + it's community grew as I settled into my new life as a Cape Codder, and it was an honor to be a part of that growth as I put down my own roots in this totally new place.

I didn't know how hard it would be to say goodbye to the very last class that I was holding onto at Orleans Yoga--I didn't expect the tears that came as I bowed my head to say 'Namaste' at the end of yesterday's class, and despite the fact that I'm headed back there to teach a workshop in early December, it still felt like the end of an era for me. Giving up this class was symbolic of how much my life has changed in the last 15 months.

Having a child changes everything; my role as mother trumps all of my other roles now. As much as I have defined myself as a yoga teacher, I now define myself as a mother. A working mother, a yoga-teaching mother, but a mother nonetheless, and a mother first.

If something work-related no longer works for my family, it has to change, no matter how hard that change is for me to accept. There is definitely some mourning involved in making all of these changes, a grieving of my old life that has to happen as I am continually reminded that my needs aren't the only ones that matter anymore, but it's still hard and it's still sad. 

I'm going to miss my weekly class at the Orleans studio and the lovely students that I've been teaching regularly since 2013. But I'm also going to love finally having a weekend morning at home with my family, a time to make French Toast and eat breakfast together, "sleep in" (ha!), and just laze around in our PJs. I haven't had that in years and it will be extra-special now that we're a family of 3 (or 4 if you count non-humans, as Sayde will most definitely be involved in all of the aforementioned Sunday morning activities).  

So with that, I'll leave you with the reading from Karen Maezen Miller's blog that I shared at the end of my class yesterday, which I think is quite appropriate for this time of change (for me) and this time of year (for all of us):

Mindfulness means to remember that you are here, and to forget the story of where you are not.

So forget the story you tell yourself about your parents, the story you tell yourself about your childhood, the story you tell of your first love, the story of your first marriage, the story of pain and partings. Forget the birth story, the death story, the whole story, the story you keep repeating, the story you’ll never forget. Forget that story, and do not replace it with another.

Forget what might have been and what could still be. The past is gone and the future will arrive on schedule.

Forget the time you ran away, the time you cheated, the time you got caught, the time you found out, the time you broke down, the time you picked yourself up, the time you were left high and dry, the time the milk spilled and the glass broke, the time you’ll never forget. Forget time.

Forget what happened this morning. There is no this morning. There is no last night, today or tomorrow.

Forget your second thoughts, your second guesses, your second glances and second chances. Forget the count. No one knows the count and there is no way to count it.

Forget your worst fears and highest hopes. Forget all fears and hopes. Forget all worst and highest. Forget altogether the habit of make believe when reality is magic already.

Forget your leaps of logic and foregone conclusions. Nothing is ever foregone or concluded. Cover the ground where you stand. It’s enough.

Forget what you thought.

Forget what you felt. Do not resurrect a ghost.

Forget what she said, what he said, and especially what she said. Do not mistake the word for the thing.

Now, open your eyes and do what needs to be done. Having forgotten all obstacles and limitations, all distractions and negations, there is nothing you do not know how to do. Surprise yourself.

A huge thanks to all of the Orleans Yoga peeps who have been such a big part of my yoga life here on Cape Cod since 2013. I'll miss seeing you all each week! 

New week, new episode of Starr Struck Radio! In this week's show, Sara and I discuss the thoughts, anxieties, and calculations that go into making the decision whether or not {or when} to add another child to the family. It's a big topic and we get into it! 

​You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").

A few random notes/follow-ups from the episode:

• Please share your #MOMFAILS with us! We love getting them and can't wait to share them on a future episode. To do so, just shoot me an email
• Learn more about Namaste Nantucket, the yoga retreat I'm co-leading to Nantucket in 2018, here
• Sara's blog: Small City Big Days + Sara's Instagram

You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​​

Thanks for listening! ​

{Editor's Note: this post was supposed to go up yesterday but I came down with a *horrible* 24-hour stomach bug on Sunday and was flat-out all day yesterday so couldn't make it to my computer. Oh, and in case you were wondering/didn't already know, vomiting while taking care of your baby = the WORST.} ​

On Saturday we took Charlie Mae to her first wedding as a toddler. We've had this event on the calendar forever and have been looking forward to it for months. It was Ben's cousin's wedding and it was a huge, fancy, formal, gorgeous event, so it felt like quite the family to-do. 

We got all dressed up--Charlie Mae wore a bow in her hair and a maxi skirt for the first time, I wore heels for the second time in the past year, Ben put on a suit + tie, and off we went. The wedding was amazing and everything was perfect but as I'm *sure* you imagined, my expectations of having a baby at a wedding were WAY off.

Don't get me wrong, I still had a lovely time and am so glad we got to be a part of the festivities, but as usual when it comes to life with a baby, I was shocked by how much more challenging it was to be at a wedding with a baby than I had anticipated.

When thinking about the wedding beforehand, I didn't ponder how hard it would be to carry a child around on your hip while wearing tall heels and a floor-length dress. I didn't think about how challenging it would be to try and hold a glass of wine during cocktail hour while also feeding your child cheese, keeping her happy amidst all of the people (especially the strangers getting in her face and scaring her), and keeping her from grabbing all of the stuff she wants to touch but can't. I didn't anticipate being sad when we had to leave early and therefore missed all of the dancing, the dessert, the family picture, and the late-night fun. I forgot about the fact that I would spend much of the 4 hours that we were there sitting on the floor in the corner, playing with my child in order to keep her happy enough to stick around for a little while longer. 

Again, I want to reiterate that I had a lot of fun at the wedding and loved having Charlie Mae there (I wouldn't have done it differently), but I left feeling that sense of, "Oh yeah, I'm a mom now, and that means that weddings won't be what they once were for a very long time."

At various points throughout the wedding, I looked around and thought about how different my life has become in just a mere 14 months; as I sat on the floor letting Charlie Mae feed me part of her soggy, half-eaten cracker, I jealously watched other attendees noshing on the hors d'oeuvres while having adult conversations.

While reading Charlie Mae a book and trying to steal sips of my wine (only one glass enjoyed right at the beginning of the event so that I could still breastfeed before bed, of course), I eyed the moms of slightly older babies who aren't going through a super-attached phase, as they passed their children around to family members and sipped their drinks without worrying about what time it was or what number drink it was. 

I should be clear, I wasn't feeling sorry for myself or throwing a pity-party in the corner, I was just watching everyone else with a sociologists' eye, remembering how the other half lives, and wondering why I didn't expect this reality at the wedding. I can't just skip around the house without a worry, glass of wine and gourmet mac-n-cheese ball in-hand, so why did I think a wedding would be any different? 

This is the thing that I keep learning--over and over again--about being a parent. My expectations are always wrong. There isn't a vacation from being a parent. Ever. No event, trip, childcare situation, or outfit change can take you out of your parental mindset, your parental role, or your parental duties. I'm not even sure if I would want it to, but I do know that sooner or later, I'd better adjust my expectations so that I don't live the next 20+ years expecting one thing and getting another. 

That being said, Charlie Mae was SO cute in her little outfit! And she had so much fun rolling around on the fancy couch at the wedding! And she loved the gourmet popcorn that was served!

Being a parent is the best. Even if your expectations are always way off and reality is always way more challenging than you anticipated.

​In this week's episode of Starr Struck Radio's mom-centric season, Mary Catherine and Sara discuss the horrors of sleep regressions, their own personal experiences with them (including recent issues!), how to get through them, and why middle-of-the-night wakings are so freaking hard to deal with. The perfect listen for all sleep-deprived parents. 

You can listen to this week's episode below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").

As mentioned in the show, if you want to share a #MOMFAIL to be read aloud on a future episode, shoot me an email. As promised, if we think your #momfail is grosser/worse than the one that I shared in our first episode, I'll send you a free yoga tank ;) 

Lastly, here are the links we mentioned in the show:
​

• The blog post I wrote about How We Survived the 4-Month Sleep Regression
• The blog post Sara wrote about Surviving the 4-Month Sleep Regression
• The blog post Sara wrote about her son's "Three Year Sleep Regression"
• My Etsy Shop {new shirt designs will be available for pre-order this week so stay tuned!}
• Sara's blog: Small City Big Days + Sara's Instagram

Oh, and as promised at the end of the episode, here's an update on my/our recent sleep horrors:

They seem to be over. After a little over a week of puking at bedtime, I decided to break Charlie Mae's bedtime routine and change things up and it worked. She has now been going to bed easily and sleeping through the night for about 10 days straight. Phew. I'll share more details on the next episode of the show ;) 

You can view all past Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​​

Thanks for listening!