I feel like a new person! I have a new lease on life! With just a few taps of my finger, I took back control of my mental state and low-level anxiety. I know this might sound dramatic, but I'm telling you guys, it's real.

Last week, prompted by a therapy session and a feeling that no matter how hard I was trying, I just wasn't able to be as present as I wanted on my days "off" with my daughter, I decided to try--just for a day--turning off the push notifications on my phone.

[Sidenote for those who don't know: "push notifications" are the alerts that pop-up whenever you get a new message, a like, a new friend or follower, a text, an email, a reminder from an app, etc.] 

I'd turned off my email notifications long ago (I've actually never had them turned on), but was still getting almost all of the Facebook, Facebook Messenger, and Instagram notifications. And if you're as active as I am on social media, that means I was getting A LOT of notifications.

My phone was lighting up all day long and even on days that I was "off," I was feeling the pull of my online biz {via social media} in a big way. I guess it's been like this for a long time, but now that I'm a mother and am trying to have better boundaries between my work-time and my family/Charlie Mae-time, this has become a bigger issue for me. 

Thus, last week, on Thursday morning when Charlie Mae started stirring in her crib, I went into my phone's settings and turned off all of my social media notifications. All of them. Then I put up an Instagram post--knowing that I wouldn't immediately see if someone commented on it or liked it--and then went upstairs to snuggle my girl. 

You guys: the swift relief I felt from making this little change was pretty staggering. Without the reminders popping-up on my screen all day, I stopped feeling the pull of my phone immediately. Of course I still checked my accounts and feeds throughout the day, but now I had to be intentional about it. I had to think, 'Okay, I'm going to go get my phone and check my Instagram account right now,' instead of reacting to my phone when it called out to me. 

It was actually eerie how much of a difference I noticed in just one day.

It's now been 5 full days with no notifications on my phone and I can tell you [with confidence] that I will not go back to that horrible place where I was constantly plagued by notifications (only a slight exaggeration).

I'm done with the constant alerts about things that are happening in the cyberworld; I want to live in the real world. OBVIOUSLY I'm not going anywhere when it comes to social media, but I am going to decide when and how I use it from here on out. 

If you, too, feel any sort of low-lying anxiety, pull, or urgency about what's happening on your phone (or even worse, your watch--eeekkk!), I urge you to try turning off your notifications and see if it makes a difference. Just for a day. And then you can decide where you want to go from there...

There was a day last week when I was feeling pretty frazzled. Mentally, I was being pulled in two different directions: it was a non-daycare day, so Charlie Mae was home with me, but I also had a bunch of client emails coming in about work that needed to be done ASAP.

The two places where I put most of my time + energy were competing in my mind--my work needed me and my daughter needed me. And I needed them both. 

I found myself feeling that familiar sense of anxiety creep in...and a sense of resentment and undirected anger. I never have enough time for all of my work. I hate having to choose between my daughter and my work. I hate feeling like I never get to spend as much time with Charlie Mae as I want to...

And then out of nowhere, I was struck with a thought: but I have chosen this life. And I continue to choose it again and again. I have TOTAL free will when it comes to my situation and I have made all of the choices that have led me to this moment. And I continue to make those same choices. 

We could add another day of daycare if I really wanted to or needed to. Our daycare has the space and we can afford it. Or I could take on less work so that I don't have as much on my plate; of course we need my income, but we could make it work if that's what I wanted.  

But I don't want to put my child into another day of daycare because I would miss her too much and it would make me too sad. And I don't want to scale back my work any more than I already have because I enjoy it too much and I love the sense of purpose and satisfaction that it gives me. 

So I choose this. It's messy and lacks the boundaries and padding that I like, but it's what I want. And I'll continue to choose it until [or unless] there comes a time when it is truly no longer working. But until then, I want to let go of the anger and frustration that I feel towards no one (myself?) around my chosen situation.

There is no perfect balance, or job, or home-life situation. Anyone who makes it look like they've got it all figured out doesn't--not really, not one hundred percent. But maybe what sets me apart from the person who seems to have things more "figured out" is that she has accepted her situation and learned to work with it.

Therefore, this is going to be my new mantra every time I start to feel those negative feelings bubble up: I choose this. I have chosen this. I keep choosing this. If I am not happy with things, I can make another choice and change them.

But for now, I choose this. 

Yesterday, Charlie Mae and I went to Whole Foods together. As we were picking out avocados in the produce section, an adorable mom in a pretty sundress and her two kids came wheeling by. Her kids were super cute (of course) and as a family, they looked pretty close to perfect on their Sunday afternoon shopping trip. 

A few minutes later, as we bagged our produce next to one another, the mom and I struck up a little conversation about our kids (the usual baby-related small talk).

At one point as we were chit-chatting I said, “Two kids, wow! Now that I have one kid I have no idea how anyone does it.” I expected a generic, "Oh, yeah, it's hard but so great!" and instead, her reply was brutally honest: “Yeah, it’s insanity at all times. We're always a mess. Everyone warned me but I truly had no idea how impossible it would be.”

Once she had opened up, I felt free to do the same, and we had a wonderful short conversation about being a mom and how crazy it is (and how no one can ever prepare you for how frazzled and loopy you’ll feel almost all the time). Just as we were finishing up our conversation she gave me a knowing look and said, “Any mom who makes it look like she has it all together doesn’t. Trust me. None of us do.” 

What I loved so much about this little interaction is that one minute before, I had seen her and her kids and assumed that they simply had it down. She told me that she had felt the same way about me when she saw me and my “calm, happy baby just relaxing in her carrier.” 

Ha! We’d both seen each other and made immediate assumptions that were totally incorrect.

I had no idea that in the aisle before, her kids had been throwing raspberries at one another (because, as she explained, opening the fruit and eating it as they shopped was the only way to make it through the store). And she had no idea that while my baby looked super relaxed, she was actually just really tired because she woke up 1.5 hours earlier than usual and then took a crazy short morning nap (leaving us all feeling exhausted and overwhelmed). 

Because when you see someone and make a snap judgment based on the small moment of their life that you witness, you’re almost ALWAYS wrong. You have no context, so how could you possibly be right? But isn’t it funny how we immediately and almost unconsciously compare ourselves to the people that we come across in our daily lives—and how often we find ourselves lacking in these totally uninformed, quick calculations?  

Yesterday’s interaction was such a great reminder of so many things—how quick we are to judge ourselves negatively, how quick we are to make assumptions about others, and my favorite lesson of all, one that I need to be reminded of on a daily basis, it seems—how we’re all in this together. 

And by “this” I don’t just mean motherhood. I mean life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we’re all just muddling through doing the best we can and making a lot of mistakes along the way.

We all have to go to the grocery store, we all have to clip our toenails, we all have to buy more toilet paper when we run out, and we all have to clean up the gross stuff that collects in the kitchen sink drain thingy (unless you have a disposal, in which case, you actually don’t have to do this and I’m jealous!). We're all overwhelmed, sleep deprived, stressed, and sad at times. But we don't always talk about or project these feelings, and so no one knows what we're going through. 

No matter what we see in the store, on social media, or on TV, the little snippets of other people's lives that we observe in passing are just not the truth--or at least, not the whole truth. We don't know the entire story so when we compare ourselves to others we will always fall short.

But when we remember how we're all just doing our best and yes, sometimes falling short, but at other times, surprising ourselves by our ability to make it happen against all odds, we can connect with the beautiful mess of our everyday lives. 

I hope this little reminder is as helpful to you as it was to me yesterday.

Oh my, you guys, there's a lot of crazy stuff going on right now. The world is chaotic, the state of our country is chaotic, and on a tiny scale, my day-to-day life is more chaotic than it's ever been. It's a lot to take in.

I've been finding it really hard to read the news/my newsfeed lately--the overwhelmed, brokenhearted part of me just wants to bury my head in the Cape Cod sand, ignore it all, and cuddle my little one--and the enraged, productive part of me wants to stay informed, involved, and active (especially because each piece of news that I read is more unbelievable than the next). I feel a strong urge to get out there and DO something, but I can't find the time or energy to do much more than the very basics right now. 

My personal life has been in a state of upheaval since we had Charlie Mae (obviously). I'm trying to adjust to working with an almost 3-month old at home, trying to figure out how to navigate balancing the pull of motherhood with the pull of all of my other responsibilities, and somewhere in there, I'm trying to find time to take care of myself. 

Needless to say, I feel pretty all over the place. I can hardly find the time to shower, let alone get out there and become an activist. I'm struggling with this--with my desire to do something and my inability to do hardly anything but the very bare minimum on any given day. 

And then, here come the holidays! They're here and it's time for family, tradition, gratitude, making pies...and I love all of that, but it adds to the already overflowing pot. So, what to do? 

As cheesy and overused as it is/sounds, and as much as it isn't activism or productivity in the way that I'd like to be productive in both my work and in the world right now, I'm trying my hardest to just focus in on the theme of the season: gratitude. If nothing else, feeling a real, full sense of gratitude is a helpful way to quell some of the anxiety about all of this chaos and get dialed-in on the present moment.   

I won't bore you with a list of everything that I'm grateful for here [been there, done that], but suffice it to say that our darling daughter, whose very existence is all it takes to make me feel so full of love I could burst, tops the list this year. If nothing else, I want to tune into my gratitude in order to stay present for her, so that I can do everything I can to raise her to feel safe, empowered, strong, and kind, despite the chaos that surrounds her. 

So right now, that's what I'm trying to focus on. I'm taking things day-by-day (or hour-by hour) and doing the best that I can in each given moment. I am so grateful for this life, even when it's chaotic, and that's what I want to remember this Thanksgiving (and really, every other day, too).

I hope that even if you're feeling equally overwhelmed by the state of our world, you can do the same. And I don't mean ignore what's happening or block it out, I mean connect with a deep sense of gratitude despite what's happening, because that's important, too. 

We have all been blessed with so many gifts; my wish for each of us is that we can truly feel the weight of these gifts during this holiday season, even if we don't feel as stable as we have in holidays past.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope your day is full of what matters most. 

[Quick programming note: my brother and his GF are coming to visit for Thanksgiving + to meet Charlie Mae--hoorraayyyy!--so there will be no SJOTW on Friday. I want to soak up every minute with them while they're in town. I'll be back on Monday.]

I've found that before any big life change, there's a weird shift that occurs, a strange feeling that starts to slowly descend and settle in, hanging over your daily activities, like fog rolling in on a misty morning.

I most recently recognize this feeling from the months before we moved to the Cape--when we weren't able to do much yet but pack a box here and there--but we had our move date, knew life was about to change in a big way, and yet, were still living our "old life" as if nothing was about to change. 

I also remember this feeling settling in during the summer before heading to college, during the final weeks of college before entering the real world, before getting married, and before my moves to both New York and then DC.

In the past I've called this time period Limbo, which I think adequately sums up the in-betweenness of the space that passes from the time you decide to make a huge change and the actual change, and I've always found it to be such an interesting place in which to function.

You wake up, eat breakfast, go about your day, workout, practice yoga, do your laundry, do the dishes, and as you move through all of these familiar routines, in the back of your mind you're aware that all of these things are about to shift. That in a short period of time, doing the dishes will be totally different because you'll be in a new place with a slightly different schedule, even if they are the same dishes and you're the same you. 

I always experience a nagging feeling that I should be doing more to prepare for The Big Life Change that's coming up, but there's never enough time to prepare in the ways that I would want to, and frankly, if I had more time to obsess over the change, I could easily go a little crazy with anxiety, excitement, or some mixture of both. 

And while this time around, as we prepare for welcoming our baby in 8-ish weeks, I'm still feeling all of these familiar Limbo feelings, it also feels really different, because I'm preparing for what I hear is one of the biggest life changes you can ever make--a change that has, arguably, some of the most lasting effects and uncontrollable outcomes.  

When you move, you have no idea what your life will look like when you get there, but you know that some of the major things will stay the same: you'll wake up and go to bed at fairly similar times, you'll have a somewhat recognizable daily routine (even if it does shift a little), you'll work a similar amount of hours (probably), you'll do similar sorts of things on the weekends. Etc. 

But when you're preparing for life with a baby? You have NO CLUE. Will you sleep? When will you go back to work? When you do go back, will you have the same drive, energy, brain-power? Will this current sense of "normal" ever exist again? [I hear that it won't.] Will your core strength ever come back? [Yoga-related worry, I know...]

It's a pretty wild place to be living in, especially as I go about my days as if everything is the same (albeit with the extra baby-related to-dos, the swiftly-growing body, and the slowing energy). 

So, while I am trying my best to enjoy these last few baby-free weeks in Limbo (and, as everyone recommends, sleep as much as possible), I'm also fully aware of the weirdness of this time, of the fog that's rolling in, and of the comforting sameness + predictability of my current daily life--which hasn't changed yet and is helping me to stay as present and grounded as possible during a time like this.

What about you: are you gearing up for a big change or have you recently undergone one? Do you know what I'm talking about here? For those who have gone through similar changes, I'd love any tips you could share on how to make the most of Limbo while still preparing for the future...

Surprise, surprise, we're talking about technology again! And relationships! Two of our favorite subjects...
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This week we talk about how we've seen our devices (specifically our phones) negatively impacting our relationship as of late. We share some examples from our day-to-day life that demonstrate how technology can cause issues for a couple, we discuss how technology can both help and hurt relationships over the long-haul, and then close by sharing some ideas for ways that couples can get better at using their technology mindfully so that their relationship doesn’t suffer because of it.

As Ben proclaims at the end of the show, "good episode!" And while he obviously thinks so, I hope you agree ;) You can listen below OR by downloading and/or subscribing in iTunes or Stitcher (be sure you search "Starr Struck Radio").

Here are the links mentioned in the show:

• Another SSR episode (from Season #1) that tackles a similar subject, Episode 13: Technology Addiction + Mindfulness
• Exploiting the Neuroscience of Internet Addiction (An article that I linked to the last time we talked about this subject, but that I think is worth sharing again in case you missed it)
• Cast your vote for my new yoga tank design!
• Have you rated us or written us a review in iTunes? If so, thank you! If not, please do so; it helps us SO much and takes just 2 mins. Directions are here. 
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You can view all Starr Struck Radio episodes and get answers to FAQs on the podcast homepage. ​

Thanks for tuning in!

We women are a guilty lot. 

Not because we've done anything wrong, per se, just because we're taught from a young age to be empathetic, self-aware, and often, told to control our deeply-felt emotional reactions. 

I can't speak for all women, of course. I can really only speak for myself and my friends--the women that I'm close to and therefore talk to about emotions like guilt on a regular basis--but I have to say that guilt is a feeling that I hear women talk about much more regularly than men. 

Think about it: how often do you hear a guy say something like the following? "I feel so guilty for feeling this way, but I'm really thankful..." or "I have so much guilt about the fact that I received the raise and he didn't..." or, "I feel so guilty even saying this, but..."

I'm guessing not so often; but how often do you hear a woman say something like that? Personally, I hear it on the regs. 

Now, I'm not saying that men don't experience guilt, because I know that they do--especially men who actually did something to feel guilty about, or religious men who have right + wrong hammered into them from a young age--but I don't think that they talk about it as much as women do, and I definitely don't think that they feel in in relation to small social situations, work, or basic emotional reactions as often as women do.

[In fact, a quick Google just told me that there was a study published in 2010 that showed that men of all ages feel significantly less guilt than women do.]

Recently, I was talking to a friend about a pretty tough family situation that she's going through. She started by saying "I feel so guilty for even thinking this, but..." and went on to tell me about her TOTALLY VALID emotions surrounding the subject. Her feelings made complete sense and I hated to hear that she was wrestling with any sort of guilt around them. 

Another common type of guilt that I'm seeing come to the surface among women in my age-group? Mother guilt. I don't think I need to say much about this, as I think all of my female readers know what I'm talking about here: it's guilt over being at work instead of being at home with a child, or guilt about taking time for yourself when you could be playing with your baby, or even guilt around spending money on yourself when you should be saving money for your child's college fund. 

The guilt is real, y'all. And we women are carrying a heavy load of it.

So what do we do? I'm still figuring that out myself, but as usual, I think the first step is becoming aware of it. When you find yourself feeling guilt or saying, "I feel so guilty for feeling this way...," examine that guilt. Is it founded or unfounded? When you hear a friend expressing her guilt, call her on it. Validate her emotions but encourage her to let go of the guilt. 

Of course, if you really do have something to feel guilty about, make changes, take action, apologize, or do something to remedy the situation. But if your natural, valid emotions are causing you to feel guilty, try and let that go. Let yourself feel your feelings; journal, talk to someone, meditate, and try to release the burden so you can get back to living. 

Ladies: our minutes are too freaking precious to use on guilt. How about we encourage each other to turn that guilt into gratitude and empathy, instead? 

Here are a few simple ways to experience a more mindful, yogic day:

1. Let that rushed (or just pushy) person get in line in front of you. Whether you're sitting in traffic, standing in line at the airport, or waiting at the grocery store, if you see someone who seems to have a need to get in front of you--even if it feels aggressive and uncalled for--let them go ahead and send them kindness (instead of dagger eyes) as you do so.

2. Set a recurring timer on your phone to go off every 30 minutes when you're working at the computer. When it goes off, take a few deep breaths, stand up and stretch, or just walk around for a minute without looking at a screen. Then get back to it when you're ready! 

3. Choose the healthier food option at your next meal. Life sometimes makes it very hard to eat clean at every meal, but making the healthiest possible choice at even one meal per day can make a big difference in how your body feels (+ your overall mood).

4. Put your phone in your bag or pocket and observe the world around you as you walk down the street or sit on the subway. You'd be amazed at what you see--the person who dropped something and didn't realize it, the lost dog who needs some wrangling and a call to her owner, the pretty flower, interesting scene, or striking person--there's a lot going on out there if you actually take the time to observe!

5. When a loved one walks into the room where you're sitting, washing dishes, or working, acknowledge them. Especially if you have your face in a screen: put it down or look up, look them in the eyes, and say hi, or ask what they're up to, or even better, give them a hug or kiss. 

These are the things I'm working on--the baby steps I'm trying to take to make my days a bit more intentional. How can you make small tweaks to your life in order to live your yoga more fully? 

In my classes this week, I've been reading the following quote by Pema Chodron: 

Being able to lighten up is the key to feeling at home with your body, your mind, and emotions, to feeling worthy to live on this planet...

...This earnestness, this seriousness about everything in our lives--including practice--this goal-oriented, we're-going-to-do-it-or-else attitude, is the world's greatest killjoy. There's no sense of appreciation because we're so solemn about everything. In contract, a joyful mind is very ordinary and relaxed. So lighten up. Don't make such a big deal. 

In the past, I've also been drawn to--and shared--this similar [yoga] quote by Steve Ross:

Yoga isn't rocket science. The only beguiling thing about it is its simplicity. It can and should be celebrated; it doesn't have to be a serious, militant painfest. Real yoga is about transcending the serious and allowing joy into your life, your body, your mind, and hopefully your practice itself. It's about lightening up. 

You know why I'm drawn to these quotes? Well, I think it's pretty obvious: they remind me to lighten up (for goodness' sake!). 

It's not that I don't like to laugh or joke, I do (!), but when it comes to the daily grind, I often catch myself being very serious most of the time. Not serious in my interactions with people, but in my interactions with my work, my schedule, my need to accomplish and move everything forward. 

I know that many of you are similarly Type-A, and probably take your to-do list very seriously, as well, so I figured we could all use a little reminder to lighten up today. 

It's funny, because until I read Pema's quote about this (I call her Pema because I feel so close to her...), I hadn't really thought about my attitude as "too serious." 

I don't think of myself as super stoic or stonefaced--I smile a lot, I love a good time, I have a lot of fun doing what I do in my daily life--but she's right, my goal-oriented side is very serious. I'll often skip the fun to get something done, I make a big deal out of the minutia, and I can easily get bogged-down by how "important" everything is. 

So, for me, lightening up is a real thing that needs to happen in order to connect with a sense of inner joy more often. I need to be constantly reminded to take everything--including life and my yoga practice--less seriously. 

What about you? Where could you transcend the serious and allow a little more joy into your daily experience? 

Something to ponder today...