31 Weeks Pregnant: First Child vs. Second Child

​In the picture on the right, taken almost three years ago, I didn't yet know what it meant to be bone tired. I didn't yet know what it meant to be in love--in all-encompassing love--with a tiny human being who can't even say your name [yet]. I didn't know what it meant to have your life as you know it upended + destroyed in the blink of an eye. I didn't know what it meant to put someone else's needs in front of my own every single time, every single day, forever + ever.

I didn't yet know what it meant to care for someone else without even thinking about it. I didn't know what it meant to feel blinding rage towards my husband as I got up to console our crying baby [yet again] and he continued to sleep. I also didn't know what it meant to explode internally due the emotional intensity of watching my husband and my child love one another and spend time together. I didn't know what it meant to really "play." I didn't know what it meant to sleep with one ear + one eye open, always ready to come to the rescue.

But I was excited! And I thought I had everything planned out. Because I didn't know what I didn't know. 

In the picture on the left, I know all of these things and they're engrained in my being now. I'm bigger, I'm sicker (literally: I'm on steroids + antibiotics in this picture!), my body is much more sore, I'm saggier, I'm exhausted, and I'm fully aware of what I'm getting into--while also knowing that I actually have no idea what I'm getting into. I'm savvy enough now to be scared of what's to come because it's simply such a known unknown.

But again, despite all of this, I'm also really, really excited. 

I can't wait to feel my heart expand again--beyond what I think is possible for one heart to feel and beyond what I think is possible for one person to experience. Every time that this second child, my son, moves inside my body, every time that my daughter kisses my belly on her way to bed, every time that she says "I'm a big sister!" I become more and more sure that this is the right thing for our family.

​Even if it leaves us more tired, more frazzled, and yes, sometimes more angry, I know it will all be worth it. And I can't wait.