My mom has been dealing with some major health issues that recently took a big downturn.

​On Monday morning, I awoke at 6am to a few inches of snow covering the ground and yet another upsetting text about my mother's medical issues. Charlie Mae was home from daycare and Ben was home from work (it was a holiday), but I'd made plans to go to an 8am class so that I could move my body and release some of the stress that had been building up over the past few days of bad news.

I spent all morning trying to get out the door--dealing with a whiny toddler who didn't want me to put her down, cleaning the snow off of my car while she cried from the window, and eventually getting her into her snow gear to come out and "help" so she would stop breaking down while I worked. Ben was moving slower than I would have liked and in the last few minutes of trying to get out the door, I realized that I was probably going to be a few minutes late to class, which I hate.  

I drove carefully on the snowy, still unplowed streets to the studio and as predicted, arrived a few minutes late. I rushed up the steps and into the building (this wasn't my first time being late to a class since becoming a mother), and could already hear the instructor's voice calling out the first few movements. I threw my stuff down, ran to the restroom (I am pregnant, after all!) and headed toward the studio door to sneak in--only to find that the door was locked and the class was full.

The past 2 hours of trying to get out the door to do something for myself were all for naught. 

Teary-eyed, I walked back to my car. I got in, sat behind the wheel, and started sobbing. I drove home, sobbing the entire way. I called Ben (sobbing) and told him that I'd been too late and missed the class. Of course he felt really bad, but I think he was also surprised by my emotional reaction to the situation. 

As I continued to cry uncontrollably, I quickly realized that my immense sadness was not about arriving 3 minutes late to the class I wanted to take. It was about my mom. It was about feeling overwhelmed and hopeless in the face of our current medical system and at attempting to navigate my mother's illness from afar. It was about experiencing so much loss in the past year and feeling like there's still so much more loss headed our way in the near future (despite the new life headed our way, too). 

When I got home--eyes red and face splotchy--I pulled into the driveway, said quick 'hellos' to Ben and Charlie Mae (they were out shoveling the snow), and went down to the basement to do a home practice. I needed to move my body and process my emotions and this was the only way I knew how to do that. I didn't want to practice in the cold basement next to the dead cricket carcasses and dustballs of God-knows-what (we really need to Konmari our basement!), but I needed to be completely alone. 

I started practicing and found myself sobbing again. Each downward facing dog made me cry harder. I felt sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my mom. I felt sorry for my brothers, for my extended family, for my aunt and cousins who just lost their husband and father, for all of the people dealing with chronic illness and mental illness and loss. 

I've never been a crier in yoga but this was different. I thought the tears would never stop. 

But I kept moving and breathing and over the course of the gritty hour-long practice (in which I picked more than one dead roly-poly off of my mat), I eventually found that I felt better and didn't have any more tears to cry. At one point Ben brought Charlie Mae down to see me and although I was *slightly annoyed* that they couldn't leave me alone for one freaking hour while I was having a meltdown, I was also able to laugh at her trying to do warrior 2 with me and then ride me like a pony as I transitioned from child's into down dog. 

After my practice, I re-emerged from the basement to face the rest of the day. Miraculously, I'd let go of my disappointment at missing that morning's class and my frustration with Ben and Charlie Mae for making me late enough to miss it, and I was able to just be in the heaviness of what's happening with my family and accept that things are hard right now (without anymore breakdowns). 

And as messy as it was, all of this simply reminded me why I love yoga so much and why I started teaching almost 9 years ago; from the very first class that I attended, it gave me a sense of relief and peace that I'd never accessed before.

Now, 11 years later, it gives me that same sense of peace--even though my life has gotten much more complicated and my problems have gotten much bigger, heavier, and more life-altering. 

As I think back to yesterday, I realize now that it was actually a really good thing that I missed that class. I needed that gigantic cry, that release, that time in the basement dealing with my heavy emotions on my own with just my big, yogic tears for company. 

So...if it wasn't already abundantly clear, I want to say once more that I am so thankful for the tool that is yoga. I really don't know where I'd be today without it. [Still crying in my car, perhaps?]

PS. I know that my blog has been pretty intense lately. The reason is simple: the past year has been one loss/challenge after another. It just has. I thought it would end in 2019, but silly me (!!!)--this is simply how life works. Sometimes when it rains, it pours...and pours...and pours. But we'll get through it and there have still been lots of rainbows amidst all of the storms. Thanks for sticking with me. 

This week was hard. It started with my uncle's visitation + funeral--which was beyond heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting--included a nausea/throwing-up incident on my trip back to the airport after the funeral (first puke of the pregnancy, though!), and was topped-off by another intense family issue that's been taking up a lot of emotional energy.

Buuuut, as is normal in this life, there was a lot of good, too. And that's what #SJOTW is all about--celebrating the joys of this experience even when life is not so easy. I say this all the time, but it feels especially pertinent right now.

So here goes: my favorite simple, sensory pleasures from the past 7 days. What brought you joy over the past week?

HEAR: "Learning to Fly" by Tom Petty
I haven't heard this song in a really long time, but it was one of my uncle's favorites. Because of this, it was played a lot at his visitation and quoted in the eulogy that my dad gave at the funeral, so it was in my head this week. It's a beautiful song and I loved hearing it when memorializing my uncle, despite how sad it made me, too. Listen below.

​SEE: Our baby!!!
There's nothing like watching the baby in your belly move around, put his hand in his mouth, drink his amniotic fluid, and kick his little legs. During our 18-week ultrasound we not only found out that we're having a little boy (who, at this point, already looks exactly like Ben, haha!), but we also got some peace of mind that he's healthy, developing correctly, and loves to do plow pose ;) It was really special and uplifting. 

TASTE: Morning tea in my new Yeti Rambler Mug
My dear friend + Starr Struck Design Studio partner-in-crime, Sara, recently gifted me with this mug and I am obsessed. It truly does keep my tea hot for the entirety of the time I'm drinking it (game-changer!), the top ensures it doesn't get spilled when I'm enjoying it on the floor while playing with CM, and it's dishwasher safe! I love it so much. 

[Also, wishing Sara a very happy birthday! She's home with a sick kiddo today so we need to send her extra special wishes for a relaxing, enjoyable day...]

SMELL: Homemade chocolate chip cookies 
Melissa, the talented gal who runs Charlie Mae's daycare (and thus = MVP of our family!), is also an incredible chef and baker. She made homemade chocolate chip cookies with the kids yesterday and sent one home for each of us as a special Vday treat. It was the perfect little nightcap after a long evening of teaching and it was delicious. Was I annoyed that Ben confessed that he *almost* ate mine while I was gone despite me telling him not to? Of course I was. But he didn't, so all is well around here. Thanks, Melissa!

TOUCH: Snowmen
It snowed a bit here on Tuesday and it was just enough for me and Charlie Mae to make about 800 snowmen, which is her dream these days. We've done a lot of talking about snowmen since Christmas, but haven't had enough snow/the right kind of snow to make them until now. It was so sweet watching how much joy our miniature snowmen brought her, and I loved romping around outside together. She was very sad when the snow (and thus, all of our little snowmen) melted. 

And there you have it: joy amidst sadness, life and death, sickness and health--the duality of our experience, the ups-and-downs, the reality of our shared existence.  

​I hope you can find some time to reflect on your week today, too.

Have a simple-joy-filled weekend!

​
Baby "Brudder"!!!! As you can see from the video above (that we posted to social media last night), we're having a boy and we're over the moon ;)

Ben has been saying all along that he'd love another girl, buuuuttt if we were having another girl, he'd want to try for *one more* (eek! Hard to imagine right now!), so it's nice to know that if we feel done after this child, we'll have one of each and won't ever have to wonder what it would be like to have a boy. 

We have a front-runner for a name but will definitely be keeping that info to ourselves until he's born ;) Thanks for all of your excitement for us! So many of you have messaged me saying you're done having kids but are living vicariously through other pregnant people (I get it!), so it's been really fun seeing all of your guesses at what we're having and your joy for us. 

And from what all of you are saying about boys, it sounds like we're in for quite the wild ride! I'm just holding out hope that this will be our "go with the flow," sleep-anywhere child, because as you know by now, Charlie Mae is NOT (haha!). 

We lost another family member on my dad's side of the family this week. I thought we might have a little break from loss after all of the loss of 2018, but I guess I was wrong.

My dear uncle--only 62--passed away unexpectedly on Monday night. He left behind two incredible children in their 20's and my beloved Aunt Joanie. Everyone is obviously devastated. I'm headed to the funeral in North Carolina this weekend and might write more about it in the future, but suffice it to say that a sudden, out-of-the-blue loss like this one is sobering, scary, and heartbreaking. It reminds you of the fragility of life and of the realities we always talk about in yoga--specifically, that this one moment is ALL we have for sure. 

This loss has led me to be more present, to give more love, and to soak up all of the gifts in my everyday life even more this week. Thus, I still wanted to reflect on my SJOTW today.

Here are some of the little things that brought me joy over the past week, despite all of the sadness in our family... 

​HEAR: "Akaal" by Ajeet Kaur
This is a total yoga song so if you're not into yoga music it's probably not for you, but if you're a yogi and love a good slow song for the end of your practice or class, check this one out. I put it on my new February playlist and every time it comes on it makes me feel more soothed and relaxed. Listen below.

SEE: Doulas
I interviewed a doula team at our house yesterday and it was wonderful. They were the perfect fit and made me much more excited (and freaked out/nervous) to attempt childbirth again, this time with an extra support person. Thanks for all of the advice + personal experiences you shared on my IG post about this! Your words of wisdom were really helpful. 

TASTE: Ice cream after a month of no deserts ;) 
Ben and I went on a rare date on Saturday night (yay for us!) and then, because none of the desserts on the menu spoke to us, stopped at a convenience store on the way home and picked up some ice cream (that's how we roll). I got Ben + Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough--as I always do--and can't even begin to tell you how delicious it was after a month of no desserts. And the great news? My sweet tooth was so refined after a month away from sweets that I only needed a little bit to feel satisfied! 

SMELL: Baked Japanese Sweet Potatoes
Have you ever had a Japanese Sweet Potato? If not, and if you like sweet potatoes, I can't recommend them enough. They're delicious and really good for you. I baked a bunch on Tuesday and have had one with dinner every night this week. Yum. 

TOUCH: Baby kicks in my belly
I don't remember feeling Charlie Mae move around in my belly until around 20 weeks or so. This pregnancy, I first felt the baby move at 14 weeks and the movement has only been increasing since then. This week I felt the most movement yet, and every little twist, turn, and punch makes me SO happy and gives me a whole lot of [much-needed] reassurance. 

So there you go; a tough week that still included lots of little simple joys (+ SO many Charlie Mae and "tidying up"-related pleasures that aren't included above).

I hope you're able to spend some time reflecting + feeling the gratitude today/this weekend. We are so lucky to be here and to be experiencing the simple joys of life. 

In early 2013, a couple of months after we got married, Ben and I each made a list of "100 Dreams." This list was meant to be a chance to sit down and think about 100 things that we hoped to experience, achieve, understand, do etc. in our lives. Obviously I put Ben up to this, but in typical Ben fashion, once we started working on it he was totally into it. 

We'd both forgotten about these lists until last weekend when we were "tidying" (using the Konmari Method) and came across them; of course I made Ben stop and read through them with me, and it was pretty wild to read what had happened (and changed) in just 5 years. 

Amazingly, we've already experienced/done a lot of the items on our lists. For instance, we both had things like, "buy a house," "have kids," "have a yard," "get a dog" (sigh) on our lists. Ben had "get a truck," "coach a basketball team" and "have a fireplace" on his list (lol) and I had "own my own business," "do reverse koundinyasana" (lol), "create a greeting card line," and "lead a yoga retreat" on mine.

I also had some "dreams" that made me kind of sad to look back on, but simultaneously reminded me of how far I've come in just 5 years--especially when it comes to my relationship with my body. I'd written, "stop worrying/thinking about my weight" and "eat ice cream without judging myself" on the list. Really, I still felt like that just 5 years ago? It was shocking for me to see, especially since I don't think much about my weight at all anymore and because ice cream has become such a normal (non-judgmental) part of my life since moving to the Cape (haha but truly). 

Some of the things that were dreams for us at the time have already changed, too. Ben had quite a few CrossFit-related dreams on his list (he was super into it and competing back then) and I had some dreams related to owning my own yoga studio someday (no longer something I would want to do!). 

There were also the dreams that are still so far away from becoming a reality: "have a live-in chef" (HAHAHA!), "always get lots of sleep" (for real: HAHAHA), and "do a pull-up" (why is this SO hard for me?). 

And then we can't forget about the ridiculous dreams, many of which made both of us laugh when looking back:

Ben: "Have better facial hair, have tons of fitness apparel, get lots of sun each day." 

Me: "Have no more cavities (I'd just gotten my first one and was devastated!), "sing a song on stage" (which made my list twice...??? Dying.), "see every movie nominated for Best Picture every year from now on" (I see like 1 movie per year these days). 

As tickled as we were reading these lists, I have to say that coming across them was a really great reminder of the power of setting goals (or writing down your "dreams") and then slowly working towards them. The fact that both of us have already experienced/are close to experiencing almost half of the dreams that we'd written down just 5 years ago is pretty incredible!

[It also speaks to how achievable some of our "dreams" were, but I think it's important to have attainable dreams as well as lofty ones--like singing on stage.]

So, my challenge to you? Make a list of 100 dreams for your life. Or 50! Or even just 20! Date it, tuck it away, and see what happens by the time you come across it again...

In the meantime, I'll be over here working with my vocal coach to get ready for my big debut (BAHAHA)...

Happy February! And happy birthday to my brother, Peter! What a great day. 

How was your week? Mine was "normal" (much-needed) + full--I taught a workshop, Ben and I did a ton more Konmari Method cleaning--which was a HUGE simple joy, I got some good work done, some good time in with Charlie Mae, went to some appointments, and took (+ taught) a few yoga classes. 

But in between all of those activities, I also got to enjoy quite a few simple, sensory joys that helped me to slow down and appreciate the little things. Here are some of my faves...

HEAR: Baby's heartbeat
Since we lost our last pregnancy, I've been getting very nervous before every appointment this time around. I have flashbacks to the time when we didn't hear a heartbeat and I get incredibly worried that it's going to happen again (even though I've been feeling our sweet little baby move, which is very reassuring). I had an appointment on Tuesday and we heard a beautiful, strong heartbeat and it was a huge sigh of relief. It gets a little easier every time I get a confirmation like this. 

SEE: Elin Hilderbrand books
I've been trying to cut back on my book buying, so I've returned to our local library's Kindle Lending Library for books. Because all of the "hot new releases" (lol) are usually checked out and waitlisted, I've been looking into older books that I know will be available and have gone down an Elin Hilderbrand rabbit hole. Her books are easy to read, really interesting, and based on/around Nantucket, which I love (because I love Nantucket so much!). Right now I'm reading Here's to Us and it's great fun. 

TASTE: Dessert-free January ;) 
As of yesterday, Ben and I made it through our dessert-free January challenge! Despite The Great Graham Cracker Debate of 2019 (see my Instagram highlights if you don't know what I'm talking about), we did it, and it wasn't too bad. The first few days I definitely craved something sweet after eating, but by the past two weeks or so, I was totally fine and not experiencing any sort of sweet tooth attacks at all. And since I'm pregnant and really trying to keep my eating as clean as possible for the baby, I don't think I'm going to get back into sweets anytime soon. 

SMELL: Love Beauty & Planet Argan Oil + Lavender Shampoo/Conditioner
I'm always changing up my shampoo and conditioner and I'm not picky about what I use (should I be?). However, in the past year or so I've started trying to avoid sulfates, parabens, and chemicals that are bad for the planet, so this shampoo + conditioner was my most recent pick-up. Whether or not it works really well to clean my hair is yet to be determined, but I will tell you that the smell of these products is divine. I LOVE showering because of it (and because I love showering in general). 

TOUCH: Chiropractor
I've been wanting to get back to going to the chiropractor regularly since Charlie Mae was born (that's 2.5 years, y'all!!!). As of this week, I finally found a new one and went to him and it was AMAZING. If you're local and looking for a chiro, look no further--here's your guy: Dr. Ryan Casagranda. I can't recommend him enough. My neck, jaw, and lower back felt WAY better after my visit on Monday and I've been feeling hopeful about my pain ever since. 

And there you have it! I hope you can find some time to reflect on your #SJOTW today, too. 

Have a great weekend!

Sarah Dickey, the founder of Cool Creative Press and author of two books (also a heart centered hypnotherapist, transpersonal coach, and yoga instructor), has been a longtime design + consulting client of mine.

We've worked together on a number of projects over the past 4ish years now, and this past summer, she approached me about designing some fun, whimsical illustrations for a line of apparel based on inspirational quotes from her books. Obviously, I was in! 

We've now finalized over 18 apparel designs together over the past 6 or so months (woah!), and while I'm not going to share ALL of them below, I do want to share a smattering of my favorites.

Some select apparel + prints based on these designs are available over on Cool Creative Press's online shop:

Aren't they fun? You can find apparel (including toddlers' apparel) featuring some of these designs in Sarah's online shop, as well as her beautiful books, some mugs based off of these designs, candles, + more. Shop here (and take a peek at how the designs translate to apparel below): 

Thanks for being such a fun + creative client, Sarah! It's always a joy to work with you. 

Interested in working with me on a similar project? Learn more about my design services on the Starr Struck Design Studio website or shoot me an email. 

We've had an 'off' week around here. Ben was home sick from work for 2 days (bleh), Charlie Mae had her worst tantrum to date on Tuesday night (30+ minutes!), and Sayde's been here visiting all week, so things have been a lot harder than usual. BUT, that's life, isn't it? Always something but you just keep truckin'! 

So anyway, here are a few of the simple, sensory joys that have really helped me power through this hectic week...

HEAR: "Let It Be" by Imaginary Future
I've had this version of "Let It Be" on my January playlist all month (it comes on right before savasana) and I've so enjoyed hearing it every time I teach. I'll miss it in February! You can listen below:

​
​SEE: No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Landsbury
Have you read this book? Have I shared it here before? I can't remember but if you have a toddler or a child on the brink of toddlerhood it's a must-read (in my opinion). She explains why toddlers experience emotions in the way that they do and how to navigate their strong emotions with gentleness, love, and steady boundaries. I read it months ago but have been re-reading it after Tuesday night's meltdown and it's brought me a lot of clarity (again). 

TASTE: Autumn Wheat Cereal
I used to love this cereal and had completely forgotten about it. I picked it up recently on a grocery trip when I was starving and not thinking clearly (you know those kind of trips!) and I'm sure glad that I did because it's delicious and has been a great pregnancy snack when I've been sick of all of my usual foods (which is most of the time because I'm aways eating). 

SMELL: Candles of all sorts!
Charlie Mae has become obsessed with lighting candles and then blowing them out. So, we've spent quite a while "playing" with them together this week. Don't worry--I'm teaching her about flame and fire safety as we handle them safely together! And bonus: all of our candles smell really good ;) 

TOUCH: More KonMari Method 'tidying'
We tackled our shoes, accessories, and books last weekend and got rid of another 12 bags/boxes worth of stuff! It feels SOOOOO good! We're on to "paper" this weekend and next (realistically mostly next weekend since we have a lot on the schedule this weekend) and I'm a bit nervous about this category but also super excited. This method has been a GAME CHANGER for us. 

And there ya go! If you're local and are around on Saturday from 1-3pm, I'm teaching a Winter Detox + Restore workshop at my old yoga home (Orleans Yoga) and would love to see you there! There's still room and you can sign up at OrleansYoga.com. 

Have a great weekend and I'll see you back here next week!

Here we are again! Another 1hr class for those times you just can't make it to class but want to get a quick practice in. Learn more about this month's class + listen below:

Class Description: In this 1 hour audio yoga class we focus on getting into the shoulders, heart center, and quads (optional, of course), while awakening + energizing the body. This class is not for beginners; experienced practitioners only (Level 2-3 class). Recorded live. **If you have 1-2 blocks, grab them for this class; they'll be helpful!*

How to Listen: You can listen directly from this website (player below) or on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher (search "Starr Struck Yoga: Live Yoga Classes"). If you subscribe to this "podcast" wherever you listen to podcasts, you will automatically get each new class that I post in your podcast feed on your phone. 
​
A Note About the Audio Quality: These classes are not professional recordings, so you will hear me mess up, you'll hear students sneeze, you'll hear me whisper a specific instruction to a specific student, and at times, the audio quality might not be the best. Apologies, but hey, they're free and as authentic as you can get without being in the actual class! ;) ​

Enjoy! 

YOU GUYS. Thank you so much for the outpouring of loving messages, emails, texts, comments, etc. this week.

I really appreciate all of the support during this exciting (but anxiety-filled) time. It's so nice to finally have everything out in the open (now you know why I was EXTRA tired over the holidays and during all of our travel) but it's also a little scary, too. So thank you for making it easier to share. 

As for simple joys, obviously one of my biggest simple joys from the past week was all of the sweet 'congrats' from all of you! But above + beyond that big joy, here are some others that brought me happiness this week...

​HEAR: Lizzo
I've been on a Lizzo kick all week. I know I've posted about her before but I've been back to listening while I work and was reminded of just how great she is. If you haven't checked her out, do!!! Here's one of my fave songs: 

​SEE: Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix (and as a result, the book the show is based on)
I know some of you have been recommending this book to me since it first came out, but for some reason I was resistant until now--or until last weekend, when I watched the first episode of Marie Kondo's new show on Netflix (at the recommendation of a few of you) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been losing my mind over all of the stuff in our house lately and this show (and now book, which I bought immediately after watching one show) was the right message at the right time. I want to get our house in order before Baby #2 comes! So I've committed to following the KonMari method just as described and even made a spreadsheet listing the tidying categories we're going to tackle each weekend now through late-April. I'm SO excited!!!! And as you can imagine, Ben loves it when I send him household spreadsheets while he's at work (HAHAHA). 

TASTE: Sea Salt & Vinegar Cape Cod Chips (see painting above!)
If you saw my Instagram post last night, you already know this, but I just have to say it once more here: these chips are the main food item I've been wanting to eat for the past few weeks of this pregnancy. I crave them all the time and I can't get enough of them (but actually I can so I've been limiting myself and trying to eat small portions). I loved balsamic vinegar during my first trimester when I was pregnant with Charlie Mae, but this pregnancy + these chips have taken it to an entirely different level. 

SMELL: Sayde's breath (HA! only half joking...dog people will understand)
Sayde is back visiting with us while her new owners are traveling and although it's challenging to have her for so long (life is just harder with her around because we have to keep her and CM separate!), it's been really wonderful, too. And Ben and I laugh so hard because she has the worst breath but she's so tiny and as gross as it is, we both kind of love it, too. It's just so funny when she yawns right in our faces (RIGHT in our faces) and she's so adorable that you can't be that grossed out ;) 

TOUCH: Cleaning out 6 garbage bags (!!!) worth of clothes to donate
Thank you Marie Kondo! Because of my aforementioned obsession with the KonMari method, Ben and I started "sparking joy" with our clothing last weekend and got rid of SOOOOOO many unused + unneeded items. It felt incredible! I'm pumped to tackle accessories, shoes, and books this weekend.

And there ya go! I hope you can find some time to reflect on your #SJOTW today, too...

I've been pretty nervous about sharing this news with all of you; I'm obviously over the moon to be pregnant again (and out of the First Trimester!), but after my recent pregnancy loss, telling "the world" about this pregnancy felt really scary.

Every time I imagined "announcing" that I was pregnant again, I then imagined suffering another loss right afterward and having to face the sadness of that loss "publicly" when I wasn't yet ready to do so. 

I also thought about all of the incredibly strong women who reached out to me to share their pregnancy loss stories when I shared mine. I thought of the women who are still trying to get pregnant again and I couldn't help but worry that my sharing this news wouldn't help, but instead, would hurt, or re-open old (or still very fresh) wounds. 

If you're one of those women and you're reading this, I sincerely hope that this post doesn't make you feel worse, but that it gives you hope instead. After losing our baby I wanted to jump back into the saddle (haha) and try again as soon as possible because I knew that getting pregnant would help me heal--and it has. But I know that not everyone feels this same way and that it can also take a while to get pregnant again, so it's not always such a simple decision.

I feel very grateful that we were able to get pregnant again quickly and am sending SO much love to those of you who are currently trying or who've had to wait longer than you'd hoped. It's a very intense process to re-enter no matter how much time has passed since your loss and can obviously be way more intense if it's harder for you to conceive. 

There are no words, really. I just hope this post doesn't do more harm than good. 

And despite all of my worries about putting this news out into the world, the fact is that we're really excited about growing our family and want to share this joy with others. I'm trying to move past all of my anxieties about something going wrong and instead of dwelling on my fears about all of the the worst case scenarios, live in the moment and experience the excitement of being pregnant again. Especially after such a devastating loss. 

So, all of that being said, YES, I'm pregnant again!!! I'm a little over 14 weeks and I finally felt ready to share this news for a few reasons:

1. Ben is HORRIBLE at secrets and asks me every. single. day. if we can "announce" yet. He finally wore me down (haha).
   
   
2. Charlie Mae has been telling people that she has a baby in her belly so it's getting awkward not being able to explain where that came from...
   
   
3. This being my second (well, third) pregnancy, I'm showing much earlier than I did the first time and by the end of the day (read: when I'm teaching yoga at night) my core muscles have relaxed, my belly is full, my uterus is relaxed, and I look like I either ate WAYYY too many Christmas cookies (which I did) or I'm pregnant, and I'm starting to feel self-conscious about it. I only have so many baggy yoga tops, ya know!?!?

Thus, here we are. I'm due July 14th and we can't wait (but actually we can because we have a lot to do before then + two kids = OMG!). 

We *are* going to find out what we're having and should know around 18-19 weeks. We haven't decided if we're going to share that publicly yet or not, but if Ben and Charlie Mae have anything to do with it, we probably will ;) 

Thanks for all of your support over the past 6 months of loss and now, excitement.

On two separate occasions at the end of 2018 I saw big, bold, gorgeous double-rainbows that made me feel very hopeful about this pregnancy and this year. Let's hope that those rainbows were signs that 2019 is going to be full of rainbow babies for all of us who suffered a loss in 2018. 

[Oh, and a note about the pic above: I'm *sure* you know this by now but in case you don't, Ben is OBSESSED with basketball. He has a bball training side-hustle and basically eats, sleeps, + dreams basketball. He's had a "vision" for this picture since the day we found out I was pregnant again and although I am not as into basketball as he is (understatement of the year, haha), I couldn't take that vision away from him. So yay for you, Ben!]

Wowee, I am POOPED from this week! We got back in town from my brother's wedding on Sunday evening, and on Monday I was up at 5am to teach the first day of my week-long AM Yoga Challenge...it's been awesome, but waking up that early every day on top of trying to play catch-up from the holidays/all of our travel has been prettyyyy tiring. I'm ready for this weekend!

But before we jump ahead, let's look back at the past 7 days and talk simple joys. Here are some of my favorite sensory pleasures from the past week...

HEAR: The Hamilton Mixtape
Have you listened to this album? If you're a Hamilton Soundtrack junkie like I am (despite still not having seen the show...AHHHH!) then you'll LOVE it. I've been listening nonstop ever since I found out about it and am completely obsessed. And yes, I realize that I'm *very* late to the Hamilton bandwagon, but to be fair I live on Cape Cod (we're behind on everything by about 10 years) and I was pregnant/having a baby around the time that it was all the rage...

SEE: Patrick + Caitlin's wedding
My brother's wedding last weekend was perfect in every way (except for what happened with Charlie Mae of course). It was beautiful, personal, so full of love, so funny + comfortable while still being really classy + fancy--it was just 100% them. I cried so many tears of joy for my little brother and his wife while in Durham (pictured above) and am over the moon about the whole thing. It was great. 

TASTE: The Pit BBQ (location of the Rehearsal Dinner)
If you ever find yourself in Durham, NC, I highly recommend this restaurant. My brother's rehearsal dinner was here and everything that I ate was beyond delicious. The food at the wedding was amazing, too, but this meal stuck out to me because it was such authentic BBQ and it's been a while since I've gotten to enjoy that kind of food.

SMELL: Ben's Homemade Caesar Salad Dressing
Ben made his world famous Caesar dressing this week and as usual, it did not disappoint. It did make me feel like I was breathing garlic all over the world for 24 hours (ewww) but I *think* it was worth it because of how good it tasted. And smelled. Gotta love fresh garlic + lemon!

TOUCH: Working out/yoga + getting back into a routine
If there's one thing that I missed over the past few (well, 7) crazy weeks of travel and holidays it's being in my routine. I love my routine. It's not super routine-y because every day is different and every week is different, but there's a rhythm to it nonetheless. It felt so good to be slowly getting back into life this week and even more amazing to get back to working out + regular(ish) yoga. Ahhh. 

I hope your week was equally full of simple joys and the comforts of your regular old routine.

Have a great weekend!

If there's one lesson in parenting that life continues to hit me over the head with, it's this: your expectations are always wrong (yes, I have written about this subject before). Nothing big will ever go as planned--at least not when your child is involved.

You think an event is going to be hard for your kid? You're wrong, it ends up being easy! You think something's going to be a piece of cake? Surprise, IT'S GOING TO BE THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER DONE. You're not sure what will happen but are hoping for the best? Life will throw you a curveball that you never saw coming and you'll get hit right in the noggin.

And here's the other thing: even when you know that nothing will ever go as planned or as hoped, you, the parent, are still royally disappointed when they don't because--despite the odds--you held onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, they would work out as imagined in your dreams *just this once.* 

Take my brother Patrick's wedding this past weekend as an example:

Months ago, Patrick and his now-wife Caitlin asked Charlie Mae to be their flower girl. We all had adorable visions of her walking nervously down the aisle in her little white dress, dropping flowers as she went. We all know that she hates strangers, crowds, and people looking at her, but we thought that if we got her amped up enough and she understood the logistics--that her dad would be walking her down the aisle and I would be at the end of the aisle (where I would be serving as a "groomswoman") to greet her--she could do it. 

So, in the months leading up to their wedding we [read: I] searched for and bought her the perfect flower girl dress for the wedding, pink shoes with bows on them, pink tights, and a little floral crown for her head. She got her first haircut so that it would look a little cleaner for the wedding, and we talked up her job and "practiced" walking around the house in her outfit. She was pumped and excited. So was I. 

On the day before the wedding, we opted to skip her afternoon nap so that she could go to the venue for the rehearsal and practice her role. We wanted her to be as comfortable as possible with the space and the people in the wedding party. She had fun at the venue and afterward, kept asking when we would go to the wedding. She was ready. 

On the big day, I left Ben, Charlie Mae, and Ben's mom (who we brought along as our "babysitter" so that we could enjoy the wedding weekend--game changer!) around 11am to go join the bridesmaids for hair, makeup, pictures, etc. I wouldn't see Charlie Mae again until she showed up for pictures, all dressed up. That made me anxious but I did my best to let go. 

I got news via text that she didn't sleep during her usual nap time, so was prepared for a tired toddler at the 5:30pm wedding. But when she arrived for pictures she was in good spirits and seemed excited, so I got my hopes up again. She was ADORABLE in her outfit and besides being totally against taking any pictures with me (argh...see pic above), I felt like she was going to do a good job as flower girl. 

After pictures, I separated from them again to go be a part of the bridesmaid crew and prepare for the ceremony. As we were touching-up our make-up I got a text from Ben: "We need you down here NOW. Charlie Mae is having a meltdown." I ran to the elevator and made my way down. When I got to the lobby, I was greeted by a red-faced, snot-covered toddler who was wailing at the top of her lungs. The breakdown was happening and the ceremony was 10 mins from starting. 

Charlie Mae--ever sensitive to men and people she doesn't know--had been scared by a couple of people getting too close to her and saying 'hello' right in her face. They didn't mean any harm, but the harm was done nonetheless. I wasn't there to protect her from people who made her "nervous" like I usually do and because of this, she was horrified. 

I took her in my arms as she wailed that she was "scared" and wanted to go home. I tried to comfort her. I took her to a corner where there was no one around and tried to get her to calm down but it wasn't happening. She was overtired and past the point of return. There was no recovering. As I tried once more to give her a pep talk and get her ready for the ceremony, I was called away because I had to walk down the aisle. I handed her, screaming, to Ben, and ran to my place in line. It was horrible. 

A few minutes later, I had taken my place at the altar with the rest of the wedding party and was waiting to see what would happen when it was Charlie Mae's turn to come out. 

When it was, Ben emerged from the back of the room, carrying a snotty (but for the moment, quiet) Charlie Mae on his chest, clinging to him tightly with a sad look on her face. He walked down the aisle with her in his arms and when she saw me, she reached for me. Not knowing what else to do and wanting to keep her quiet, I took her, while standing at the front of the room in front of all of the wedding attendees. 

But as soon as she was in my arms, she started whimpering loudly. I had to leave my spot and rush back over to Ben, who had just taken his seat, and hand her to him [crying, of course] while he rushed her out of the room and the bride walked down the aisle. 

I was crushed. I wanted to be present but I could hear her wailing far away. I hated that she [we] had been a distraction from the main event. I had to force myself to turn my attention back to the ceremony and stop obsessing over what had just happened--while knowing that my child was sobbing in a back room wanting me because she was scared. It was SO sad. 

In the end, Ben and his mom were able to calm her down (thanks, Elmo videos on YouTube!) and I was able to refocus on the BEAUTIFUL ceremony and be present for the special moment. I soaked it in and cried tears of joy as they recited their personalized vows. Ben drove his mom and Charlie Mae home and returned to the wedding. Everything was fine and obviously everyone understood, but I was left reeling. 

How could this have happened? How could I have prevented it? How could I have failed to get a SINGLE picture of her standing in her adorable outfit before the meltdown? Whyyyyyy??

But really, I know the reason: because when you're a parent (and really, when you're a human being in general), things don't go as planned. Because you expect one thing and then another thing happens. Because being a parent and a person and a sister and a bridesmaid/groomswoman all at once is probably going to lead to a little bit of craziness.

And I guess I'm at the point as a mother where I'm realizing that this is one of my biggest lessons to learn. I HAVE to learn to let go of my expectations. I HAVE to learn to go with the flow and let go. I have been working on these things all of my life but it's coming to the point where I have no choice but to learn these lessons or continue to feel confused, disappointed, and distracted when things go wrong. Which they will. Often. 

Fellow parents, are you with me? Please tell me I'm not the only one... 

I've already written about how this blog took a back seat in 2018. And while it's true that I blogged less over the past year than ever before (in my almost 9 years of blogging!), I still wrote a lot of posts that I'm proud of and shared more vulnerably than perhaps ever before. 

So today, as with the past few years, I thought I'd do a quick round-up of the blog posts that you liked the most in 2018.

Although I haven't included it below, the #1 most read/viewed blog post of 2018  (by far!) was the one I wrote when we were looking for a new home for Sayde. This shows the amazing outpouring of support, shares, and help from all of you, so THANK YOU for that. 

Here are the 10 most-read posts above + beyond the Sayde post: 

Starr Struck's Most Popular Posts of 2018

1. On Pregnancy Loss. 
2. The Thankless Job of Being the Household Manager [Or, My Struggles with the Invisible Workload/Emotional Labor/Mental Load that Women Carry]
3. #MeToo: Better Late Than Never
4. Motherhood Monthly: Stopping Breastfeeding. 
5. Don't You Worry, Ben and I Are Doing Great [A Follow-Up to Last Week's Household Manager Post]
6. How I "Lost the Baby Weight" (HAHAHAHA)
7. How to Flirt in a Yoga Class: Do's + Don'ts
8. At Times There Will Be Fire...
9. Sayde Has a New Home. 
10. Motherhood Monthly: Verbal Snapshots of the Dropping of the Ball That Happens When You're Responsible for a Tiny Human
    
    

Lots of doozies, huh?

And because I think it's interesting, here's a continuation of the blog's thematic breakdown that I've been mapping out every year for a few years now:

2011: The Yoga/Teaching Yoga Year
2012: The Wedding Planning + Marriage Year
2013: The Big Move [to Cape Cod] Year
2014: The Total Self-Employment Year [+ Sayde Year!]
2015: The Home Ownership/Home Improvement Year
2016: The Pregnancy + New Baby Year
2017: The Figuring Out Motherhood Year
2018: The Loss + Big Life Challenges Year

As you can see from this year's theme (and not to repeat what I said in Friday's post),  I am SO ready to say byeeee to 2018! And I'm pumped about 2019. It's going to be a good one--I can feel it. 

Have a wonderful NYE and I'll 'see' you back here in 2019! As Charlie Mae would say, weehaw!

This year was a doozy of a year. It felt like life was just handing us one challenge after another, piling it on and asking us, "Can you handle this? And can you handle this? How about this???"

I've felt pretty emotionally exhausted over the past [almost] 362 days, but as usual, what got me through were the simple joys that showed up on even the most devastating of days.

Sometimes those "joys" arose from being thankful for the absence of something worse ("Although Sayde's Charlie Mae attack was horrible, at least she didn't maim her permanently; although we lost the baby, at least it wasn't further along in the pregnancy...etc.), and at other times they came in the form of basic, sensory experiences that brought me happiness in the moment. Which is why I started #SJOTW in the first place (SO many years ago, now...).

So, celebrating the Simple Joys of the Year feels very important this year, because again, even in the harder years there is still so very much for which to be grateful. Here are a few of my overarching Simple Joys from 2018...

HEAR: Charlie Mae's communication development
Charlie Mae's language just exploded this year. Like both her mom and dad, this little girl has A LOT to say and isn't afraid to open her mouth. Her squeaky little voice is my favorite sound in the world and her funny phrases get me every time. Some of my favorites?

• When we do something the 'wrong' way:  "That's not how it dos, Daddy!" "
• When someone forgets something: "OH! Almost 'got!" "
• When she's having a hard time falling to sleep and someone goes in to tuck her back in and remind her it's nap time: "Let's try this again."
• When she gives me a hug: "We love each others." 
• When she's talking about feeling shy around someone: "I'm just feeling a little nervous of ________. It's okay to be nervous!" 

SEE: Ben's Basketball Training Business taking off
I'm not going to lie and say that Ben's side-hustle/second job didn't put a strain on our family this year (IT DID! We were already strapped for time together as a family and then Ben added hours of time away from the house each week!), but it was also wonderful seeing how happy + fulfilled it made him, how good he is at training kids (he's really good), and how much it reinvigorated him on a daily basis. I am so happy that he has found an outlet that he loves so much. 

TASTE: Homemade Buttermilk Pancakes
We're a serious Sunday morning breakfast family and this year, we transitioned from being French Toast people to pancake people. Ben has gotten into the habit of making buttermilk pancakes from scratch every Sunday AM and I am NOT mad about it. Neither is Charlie Mae ;) Bring on the syrup!

SMELL: Sayde snuggles
As backwards as it sounds, all of the horrible events that took place around Sayde this year made me appreciate her more than ever. For the 5 months that we still had her while looking for her new home, I was able to be much more present for our snuggle sessions and QT together. Sure, those 5 months were also VERY hard, but they gave me time to accept the situation and to find the very best home for her possible. Her scent will always be one of my very favorite scents in the entire world. I miss her. 

TOUCH: Our Bed
We've done WAYYYY more traveling than anticipated this past year and while necessary (and fun, of course), it's been exhausting. However, the one constant every time that we return home from a trip has been our amazement at how comfortable our bed is; Ben and I can't even believe it. Often, the first night back in our own bed, we'll look at one another and say something like, "Have I died and gone to heaven? Am I resting on a cloud? Has there ever been anything that feels more amazing?" It's that comfortable. {​For those wondering, we bought a king Casper mattress while I was pregnant with Charlie Mae and I can honestly say that it was the best purchase we've ever made. 100% worth the $.}

And that's it for now! I've obviously experienced *so many* other wonderful simple joys over the past year, but I'll stop here because like I said, I'm exhausted and am ready to turn the page on this tough year.

Have a wonderful last weekend of 2018!