I made this short series of illustrations for Instagram but thought it was worth sharing here, too, since I spent *a little too much* time on it (I can't help it--it's a creative compulsion!)... 

For some, Labor Day weekend looks + feels different than other weekends—for me (and for many other moms with young children), it looks just about the same.

Here's a short illustrated explanation of what I'm talking about:

Fellow moms with young kiddos, does this resonate? I hope so. 

Also: I KNOW I am going to look back on these days and miss them fiercely. I can already feel it in my bones; even as I'm living these moments and wishing for a bit more space, I know they are precious, precious days. 

Happy Labor Day weekend, everyone!

Y'all: running a small business that works with other small businesses during a pandemic has been no joke. 

I've been really worried about all of my brick + mortar clients making it through this tough time--and while it's definitely been hard for a lot of them (and many have had to make changes to their business models in order to stay afloat), I'm glad to say that most of the businesses I work with have been able to keep things going...

As for my little business, things were touch-and-go for a while (and my revenue has definitely been way down this year!) but I'm slowly easing back into a *somewhat regular* work-from-home-mom schedule and am beginning to feel truly productive again. I'm also very grateful for all of my amazing clients who have kept me plenty busy over the past almost 6 months of craziness. 

Since I already gave some of my recent web design clients a shout-out, I figured it was time I give some of my pandemic logo design clients a shout-out, too! Thus, here are some of the recent logo design projects I've been working on over at Starr Struck Design Studio:

-(Above) The Naptime Writer Logo
I made this sweet logo is for my dear friend and book reviewer/blogger, Jessica Christensen. She's the best. Check her out here. 

-Wear Your Cause Logo (below)
A brand new logo for a brand new biz! Wear Your Cause is a conscientious jewelry brand focused on inspiring, doing good, and giving back. Check out their gorgeous bracelets here.

-Sarah L. Dickey Brave Birthing Logo (below)
I created this logo for longtime client Sarah L. Dickey--before she found out that she couldn't use this business name due to trademark issues. We're now working on a new logo and business name but I thought this logo was so pretty I had to share here, anyway ;) ​

-Zen Mother Hen Logo (below)
Somehow I completely forgot to share this logo WAYYYY back in January when I finished it (I blame #momlife)...I made it for a fabulous local yoga teacher, Danielle Ayoette (we made two versions, both of which you can see below). Check her out here. ​

-Educational Alchemist Logo (below)
I just finished up this logo (and website) for Laura Purnell, the inspiring coach, consultant, teacher, and healer behind Educational Alchemist. Check her out here. ​

Teddy turned one on Sunday. {I know! This life is crazy!} And although I've already splashed birthday pics of him all over social media, I feel like I need to honor his birthday by posting a few pics of his actual party here to the blog too.

[So many of Charlie Mae's big milestones have been captured here, so it's only fair that I write a little bit about Teddy as well, right!?] 

But in classic second child fashion, I have WAY less pics of Teddy's first birthday than I did of Charlie Mae's (whoops!) and I completely forgot to take a picture of his cake. We also didn't get a picture of him being sung to because all of the family members in attendance were social distancing and couldn't get a good angle. But hey, at least we had a party during COVID! And it was a lovely one at that...

Thus, here are some pics of my #1 boy at his first birthday celebration (I've also included a pic of his bday invite bc I think it's hilarious):

Above: we had a fruit-themed party because Teddy is OBSESSED with fruit. It was Charlie Mae's idea and she was sold on it so we went with it...but I'm glad we did because it ended up being easy and fun. 

Above: Teddy making it VERY hard to get a first birthday pic of him + Ben measuring him against the door frame as he's been doing for Charlie Mae every year of her life. Straighten those legs, kiddo! 

Above: Charlie Mae and I made all of these fruit banners together over the course of last week...I think she loves this kind of stuff as much as I do so it was a win-win ;) 

Below: Of course I had to do a little digital collage of all of Teddy's monthly pics so we could see how much he's grown in the past year...

And there you have it: our precious little goober and adored last child (if life doesn't throw us any curve balls, ha!) is no longer an infant.

Although it feels like I just had him (you can read his birth story here), a whole lot has happened in his life and in our world during his first trip around the sun. Let's hope that things get a little easier and better for everyone during his second year...

I know this might sound obvious to many of you, but I'm going to say it anyway: websites are more important now than ever before. 

Whether you're using your website for selling online, sharing your work, or marketing your services, having an online home that explains more than your IG bio or FB page can express is crazy important. I've been *so* grateful for my existing online presence during this pandemic and I'm sure that many of you have been, too. 

Similarly, I've been so thankful for the many clients who have still been using my design services during these difficult times! While things have definitely slowed down for us over at Starr Struck Design Studio (because so many of our clients are small businesses who were shut down for a few months), we've been hard at work for clients who were able to take advantage of the past few months to finally get their sites up and/or new branding created.

So, here's a shout-out to some of our recent web design clients; I've included a little blurb about each of their projects below but you can also click on the website image or link to visit the live site and learn more...

(Above) Stephanie Lombard-Foster
Stephanie is a super talented local health coach, fitness trainer, and reiki master who teaches Pilates all over Cape Cod and provides a number of other self-care services, as well. She needed a site that would enable her students and clients to learn more about her offerings and view her full class schedule all in one place. It was so fun working with her to create this sparkly new website and logo--I can't wait until she can get back to teaching live classes!

(Below) Artisan Skin Care
Angie, the owner of Artisan Skin Care, is a longtime client who decided that this downtime was the perfect chance to combine her two separate websites (one for her products, one for her in-person spa) into one cohesive brand and business. Bringing these two sites together under one "roof" was quite the undertaking, but we're extremely happy with how her final website turned out.

(Below) Zawn Villines
Zawn is another repeat client (we created a website for her nonprofit, Georgia Birth Advocacy Coalition, in early 2019) who is VERY busy and VERY talented and needed a website where she could easily link to all of her online work/activity as a writer and activist. In addition to pulling together her site, we also created a simple logo and homepage watercolor for Zawn in order to make her brand a little more personalized and fun. 

(Below) Carol J. S. Nickerson
Carol is a Clinical Social Worker based on Cape Cod who needed a website that would share her services, approach, and background with potential clients and colleagues. We worked with Carol to create an informative, welcoming website that is both professional and caring. 

(Below) Sharing Her Dream
Deb, the talented entrepreneur behind Sharing her Dream, is a Cape Cod-based brand story strategist and videographer who is passionate about creating brand videos for small businesses and female entrepreneurs. Deb came to us with a clear vision of how she wanted her site to look (and how she wanted it to work with her existing branding) and we were able to bring her vision to life through our collaborative design process.

Thank you again to all of our wonderful clients for your business over the past few [tough] months!

Interested in learning more our website design services? Reach out or learn more at Starr Struck Design Studio.

​Despite feeling a deep yearning to do so, I haven't attended a single #BlackLivesMatter protest because I have an infant at home and am scared exposing him to COVID-19. 

But to those who are protesting, I'm there with you in my mind, soul, and spirit. I'm watching the protests--riveted--and am thinking about this movement while pushing the kids in the stroller, while lying in bed at night, while teaching yoga, during Teddy's middle-of-the-night feeding... 

I've been googling images from the protests, watching the news coverage, devouring the articles, following every BLM activist I can find on Instagram and reading what they have to say about how I can be an ally, but it's just not the same as showing up in person. 

My hope is that everyone in our country is being so deeply affected by the protests. And I truly hope that supporting this movement isn't just a trend among white people, but that we all start to do the real work that we need to do in order to support the incredible BIPOC in our nation (who have been alone in their efforts for FAR, FAR too long).

To those of you who have attended a protest: thank you for putting yourself on the line and showing up physically. For those of you who, like me, can't be there in person: remember that you still have a voice and you can use it from home. How can you use your gifts, privilege, status, and/or profession to help make real change? 

I'm still figuring out how best to serve this movement (above + beyond making calls, writing emails, learning, reading, donating, and talking), but part of my way of processing is to create images like these in order to capture this moment in history. [If you need an image for personal web use on social media, in your newsletter, on your blog, etc, feel free to use one of these images without asking my permission.]

FYI: The first two drawings above are inspired by a striking photograph taken by the photographer Jason Armond. Seeing people protesting in their face masks makes all of this so much more intense and powerful, doesn't it? I am so moved by images like these; thank you to this beautiful, brave, strong woman and the photographer who captured her in all of her glory. 

​BLACK LIVES MATTER.

Cape Codders: show your local love with my new CC towns tee! For every tee purchased I'll be donating $5 to the Cape Cod Resilience Fund (powered by LoveLiveLocal and the Hyannis Main Street Business Improvement District).

The tees come in Navy + Grey (both designs pictured below) and you can pre-order yours in my Etsy shop through Wednesday, 5/20.

I'll be printing the tees locally, of course (shout-out Kaleidoscope Imprints) + they'll be available in 3-4 weeks. Enter the coupon code "LOCALPICKUP" to save on shipping and pick yours up in Centerville when they're ready. 

This is parenting during a pandemic. It's toys covering the floor, caffeinated beverage in hand, tired eyes and unwashed hair, all while trying to stay positive.

It's attempting to squeeze in work when the kids are sleeping or staring at a screen or—if you're lucky—you have a partner who can take them outside for a walk.

It's doing everything at once while also feeling guilty for doing everything poorly. It's a quick craft project followed by quick snacks followed by a quick client meeting followed by a tantrum.

It's never going to the bathroom alone—not once—throughout the entire day. It’s having a child bouncing on your lap as you try to finish one last email.

It’s layers upon layers of crushed Cheerios ground into the rug and no time to vacuum. It’s trying to function “normally” while dealing with the constant hum of underlying anxiety about how long all of this will last...

And yet, here we are, parents: we're doing it. Some days we can connect with a kind of intense gratitude for all that we have during this trying time. Some days we watch our children doing something magical, hilarious, creative, or intelligent, and we feel so lucky to have this unexpected, precious time with them.

But some days we get frustrated and angry and snappy and overwhelmed and that's okay, too.

We're doing it. And we’re only human, after all.

So no matter what, remember that you’re not alone in your mixed emotions. We WILL make it through this crazy time—we may emerge a little more frazzled and unkempt than usual (lol)—but we will emerge. And the return to normalcy will be that much sweeter.

Sending love to all of my fellow exhausted parents today!

I took the first pic above when I was 39 weeks pregnant with Teddy (and I had him 4 days later).

I took the second pic when he was a few days over 2 weeks old.

I took the third pic on Tuesday, a few days after he turned 39 weeks old. 

As I look at this little sequence of images, I'm reminded of a sentiment expressed in an Instagram post that I shared in my story last week (by @mytherapisthelps):

Bad news: a lot can change in a year. 
Good news: a lot can change in a year. 

These past few months of Teddy's short life have been hard, but they've also been filled with amazing growth, love, laughter, + more time at home as a family than ever expected at 8-9 months postpartum. Life, huh?

What we're going through right now is CRAZY (and for those who have been personally touched by COVID-19, devastating), but sometime in the not-too-distant future this time period will be just a memory. I hope we can all keep this in mind as we stay at home and take care of one another...

Side note: I still CANNOT believe that babies grow in bellies. How magical is that!?!?!?!

​Sending *so much* love from our home to yours.

Even though we're all still staying home, I'm back to teaching yoga [after a brief COVID-19-dictated hiatus] and I couldn't be happier about it!

Until our yoga studios are up-and-running again, you can practice with me virtually via Zoom at the following times EST:

• Mondays from 5:30-6:30pm
• Wednesdays from 5:30-6:30pm
• Saturdays from 9:30-10:30am

​
All classes are $12 and you can register online through CentervilleYoga.com (link below) or on the Mindbody App (search "Centerville Yoga & Wellness Center" in Centerville, MA).

After you register for class you'll receive an email with a link to the class; this email will arrive at least 30 mins before the class starts. Registration will close 30 minutes prior to class. 

These are crazy times! Everything is uncertain, there's so much more anxiety about the future, and some of us *ahem* are already feeling a little smothered + stir-crazy in our households with our families...

So, I thought I should share a few recent illustrations [that I made for Instagram] in the hopes that they might bring a smile to your face:

Below: I posted this one a few weeks ago when school drop-off/leaving the house was still a thing, but the sentiment is still relevant, I think (perhaps even more so?)...​

Also, for those of you who aren't on social media and have requested to see some recent pics of Teddy, here he is at 8 months old (last week):

Hang in there, everyone!  We'll get through this together.

​So much love to you...

I've been doing a lot of "doodling" lately. It's become my creative outlet of choice because it's quicker and easier than painting, it's perfect for creating small, bite-sized nuggets for sharing on social media, and it allows me to hone my graphic design/logo design skills. Truth be told, it all started with this magical little tablet I got for drawing directly onto my computer screen and I became hooked...

So I've started sharing images/little series like the above on Instagram and decided I should share them here, too, for those of you who still aren't on the 'gram (and so that my sketches live elsewhere on the internet).

I think this series speaks for itself, but in case it doesn't I'll just say that I've been talking about writing Waiting on Men to Poop for many, many years now (I grew up with a dad and two brothers and have been living with Ben since 2009, so I know a thing or two about the subject...) but the other titles are somewhat newer.

Now I just need something memoir-worthy to happen in my life and I'll be all set ;) 

And in other doodling news, here's an image I made and posted a few weeks ago that I think my fellow mom-readers will appreciate:

You get it, right!?!?!?

I've got more of these fun little images up my sleeve and will be sure to post them here when they're done. In the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram to stay up-to-date ;) 

2019 was a weird year for this blog. I blogged less often + less regularly than ever before and then basically just stopped blogging after having Teddy in mid-July (I've only put up 3 posts since then!).

In fact, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with this space and at this point, I just don't see how I can return to blogging on any sort of regular schedule. 

So, I've decided that in 2020, I'll blog when I feel like I have something long-form and important to say, but otherwise, I'll continue to "micro-blog" and share my life primarily on Instagram. I've found that smaller posts on that platform make much more sense for my life and audience right now, so that's where I'm going to focus my energy *for the most part* moving forward... 

That being said, if you're not on Instagram, I urge you to either join (yay!) or  subscribe to my newsletter, as I'll [once again] be sending out updates and info there on a more regular basis. 

But now lets turn our attention to a quick summary of/reflection on 2019. Here are a few snapshots of this past year in my life + business:

2019 Year-In-Numbers
{Note: Where applicable, I've included my 2013 #'s to the right because I think the comparisons are fascinating--I had SO much more time before kids, haha!}

• Starr Struck Design Studio Clients Worked With (with Sara's help, of course): 47
• Client Logos Designed: 20
• Client Websites Designed: 9
• Client Marketing Materials + Apparel Designed: TOO MANY TO COUNT! 
• Yoga Classes Taught: 130  (272 in 2013)
• Workshops Taught: 8  (10 in 2013)
• Etsy Orders: 106 
• Therapy Appointments Attended: 7  (34 in 2013)
• Yoga + Fitness Classes Taken: 49  (181 in 2013)
• Blog Posts Written: 61  (291 in 2013)
• Pics Posted to IG: 219  (565 in 2013...what???)
• Babys Had (haha): 1  (0 in 2013)
• Trips Taken: 2  (9 in 2013)
• Commissions Painted: 5  (41 in 2013)
• Small butts + noses wiped: 2,467  (0 in 2013; only halfway joking here...)

Most Popular Posts of 2019

1. Our Team is Growing: New Player Joining the Roster in July
2. Motherhood Monthly: When Things Don't Go As Planned (Which is Always)
3. 31 Weeks Pregnant: First Child vs. Second Child
4. He's Here! Teddy's Birth Story
5. Preparing for Baby #2's Birth
6. List of 100 Dreams: 6 Years Later
7. On Crying Big, Heavy, Yogic Tears
8. Teaching Yoga "Full-Time" Can Be Really Hard: Here's Why
9. A Letter to My Second Child, Written at 26 Weeks Pregnant
10. Life with Two Kids {Thus Far}

And because I've done it every year, here are the big "themes of the year" since I started this blog in 2011...

Blogging Themes By-the-Year

• 2011: The Yoga/Teaching Yoga Year
• 2012: The Wedding Planning + Marriage Year
• 2013: The Big Move [to Cape Cod] Year
• 2014: The Total Self-Employment Year [+ Sayde Year!]
• 2015: The Home Ownership/Home Improvement Year
• 2016: The Pregnancy + New Baby Year
• 2017: The Figuring Out Motherhood Year
• 2018: The Loss + Big Life Challenges Year
• 2019: The Second Child Year

This was a good year. There were challenges, losses, and hard times, of course, but when I look back on it I will always remember 2019 as the year that Teddy joined our family; and for that reason alone, it's one of the most special years of my life. 

Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me over this past year of sporadic blogging ​​(and a HUGE thank you to those who have been here since the beginning--2011, OMG!!!). 

Happy, happy New Year! Let's make 2020 the most mindful, joy-filled year yet. 

Before having my second child 3.5 months ago, I knew that life with two kids would be bananas. But what I didn't yet know or understand was why it would be bananas.

In a general sense, I understood that taking care of a baby and a toddler at the same time would be hard; there would be another person to keep happy and healthy and therefore, mothering would take more time + energy, which would leave less time + energy for everything else.

But what I didn't understand was what this really meant. In practice, it means that there is absolutely NO time left for anything else--unless I am paying someone (or multiple people) to take care of my children.

And during the days and times in which both children are home with me (which is a lot of the time right now), it means that I'm responding to one child's needs while also anticipating the other child's needs EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE DAY.

Every. Single. Second. 

It means that when I sit down to nurse Teddy 7-8 times per day, Charlie Mae has either an "urgent" need that only I can fulfill or wants to drape her body over my opposite boob so that she can look into her brother's eyes while he eats [and distract him, which makes feeding way harder...but if I ask her to move I can expect tears and perhaps even a meltdown, which will upset Teddy and therefore make the feeding even harder + longer, so I just allow it].

It also means that every time I need to put Teddy down for a nap (approx. 4 times per day), Charlie Mae wants to come, too. So I have to do the entire routine with her on my heels, trying to keep her quiet and entertained in the darkened room until I rush her out while whispering "shhh" so that she doesn't startle her brother from his sleep-ready state.

It means *finally* getting both kids to bed around 8pm and then having zero--literally ZERO--left to give to anyone else: Ben ("Ugh, don't touch me!"), myself, my work, my friends/family, my unanswered text messages and emails from the day.

It means logistics at every turn: she wants to go to the playground and I am dying to get out of the house. But he needs a nap soon. And she'll need a snack packed and will need to go to the potty and get dressed before we leave, and by the time all of that realistically happens he'll be overtired and the nap will be harder or he'll be crying. So do we stay home and just put him down in his crib and try for an outing after the next nap, or risk it and hope he naps in the carrier at the playground?

The mental calculations are exhausting.

When I get it right, I feel like supermom. When I get it wrong, we're all in tears (or internal tears in my case, because mama needs to hold it together). 

But the other thing I didn't anticipate is how much harder my toddler would become in comparison to my infant. A baby alone? That now feels easy. A toddler alone? Doable. But a baby and a toddler together? The effort-expended is multiplied exponentially. Charlie Mae's toddler impatience and emotional swings get exacerbated by my unavailability and because it's "hard to share a mama," I feel pulled in a million directions while simultaneously failing both of my children at the exact same time. 

Also, Charlie Mae's lifelong preference for Mommy has become more intense than ever and her sleep isn't as steady as it used to be. Her picky eating habits have become stronger, as have her preferences, her boundary-pushing experiments, and her amazingly dramatic personality. She's a force to be reckoned with and also a force to be held and loved and comforted for many of my waking hours. But I still have a baby to care for and love on, too. 

See what I'm getting at? It's just a lot. And I know so many of you have been here before or will come after me so I know I am not alone in these sentiments, but they're new to me and I'm still learning to navigate them as they change on a daily basis. 

But you know what else two children means (and I know you knew this was coming)?

All of the love, laughter, and pure joy multiplied exponentially, too. It's days peppered with moments so beautiful I could explode into one million pieces. It's belly-laughing until I'm crying at something Charlie Mae says and smiling at Teddy so much that my face hurts (this actually happens way more than you'd expect, haha).

It's knowing there is nowhere more important than where I am right now in this moment. It's knowing that when it comes down to it, everything else truly can wait. It's everything we teach in yoga and then some--and to be honest, mothering is my yoga these days.

So to sum things up and as many wise mothers before me have said in as many words, motherhood is all of the emotions all at once, all the time. Just multiply that by two, and that's where I'll be hanging out through the end of 2019.

​Onward, ho! 

PS. I know I've been neglecting the blog since I had Teddy and I'm so sorry about that! However, I've been super regular + active on Instagram so if you want to see TONS of kid/baby/life pics, head on over there :) 

Thanks so much for all of your help picking my final apparel designs for this season's yoga-inspired tops! The winners/most-loved designs are above + below and are now available for pre-order {at a discounted rate} in my Etsy shop THROUGH next Wednesday, 10/16.

​After pre-orders close the prices will increase and you'll no longer be guaranteed to get the size you want, so be sure to order soon if you want one...

Also, due to quite a few requests, I'm bringing back my "May All Beings Everywhere Be Happy and Free -Peace on Earth" design, but this time it will be printed on a heather teal tank. You can view that design below, as well. 

Happy shopping and as always, thanks for your support! As you can see, I'm slowly easing back into work and regular life from maternity leave, so hope to pop-up back here on the blog sooner rather than later ;) 

In case you missed it on social media, let me introduce you to the newest member of our family, Theodore "Teddy" Starr Vaneria (more pics at the bottom of this post)!

He was born on Friday, July 12th at 3:17am, weighing 8 lbs 10.3 oz. and measuring 21" tall. We brought him home on Sunday, July 14th and are all [obviously] COMPLETELY in love with him--especially his big sister, who cannot stop hugging and kissing him every chance she gets. 

As promised--and because I love reading other people's birth stories--I wanted to share Teddy's birth story before I start to forget all of the important details. As a quick summary for those who don't want to read the novel that follows, I'll just say that this birth was the exact opposite of Charlie Mae's traumatic birth (which you can read about here). I left this birth experience feeling strong, empowered, and healed, for which I am so grateful.

You can read all of the nitty gritty details below: 

On the week of Teddy's birth, starting on Monday night, I started having period-like cramps. In fact, the cramping that I felt on Monday night was intense enough that I started to wonder if it was the beginning of labor; when I went into labor with Charlie Mae it started as cramps just like these, so I thought the same thing might be happening again with Teddy. But as the week wore on, the cramps continued with no sign of real labor, so I stopped reading into them.

Then on Thursday, July 11th, Charlie Mae and I were out on our usual morning walk when I started to feel the cramps more intensely. We got home from our walk and went to the grocery store. As we walked around Whole Foods, I found myself slowing down and holding my belly with each cramp, and thought that perhaps I should start timing them when I got home, just to see if they were somewhat regular. 

When we got home around 11:30am, I used the app on my phone to time the cramps and sure enough, they were somewhat regular, each between about 5-10 mins apart. I kept paying attention to them throughout the next few hours and when Ben got home around 1:30, I told him that I might be in the beginning stages of labor. At these words he got bug-eyed and crazy looking (haha!), and I told him not to freak out (LOL) but to start preparing as if I was going to go into labor that night, just in case. 

Over the next few hours as Charlie Mae napped, we slowly packed up, cleared the beach stuff out of the trunk of my car, called Ben's mom to ask her to come sleep over, and prepared ourselves for a nighttime labor, just in case. The contractions continued to intensify and become more and more regular slowly throughout the day, and around 5pm we went for a family walk during which I started to feel them even more and had to start walking much slower than usual. 

We had dinner as a family (I ate a big meal in case it would be my last for a while), I put Charlie Mae to bed--bending over her crib to have a few intense contractions while I did so--and then Ben and I came to the conclusion that this was the real deal, so we should try and go to bed early in an attempt to get some rest before things got serious. I called my midwives and alerted my doula that I was in the beginning stages of labor and would probably be coming in sometime in the next 12-ish hours, and then we climbed into bed. 

But silly me! To think I could sleep through these contractions! By 9pm they were intense enough that with each contraction I had to jump out of bed, lean over the bed, move my hips, and moan. I was having back labor again (which happened during my entire labor with Charlie Mae) and the contractions were STRONG. I eventually moved into the nursery so Ben could sleep and labored on my own, each contraction more and more sensational than the last (and stronger than I thought they should be at this time). 

Around midnight I called the midwife again and asked her what she thought I should do about coming in. I was set on laboring at home as long as possible, but also had a 25-min drive to the hospital so was worried about having these intense contractions in the car and about making it in time. 

I should also pause to mention that I was positive for Group B Strep this time around. For those who don't know, GBS is a bacteria that can live in the vagina of 25% of healthy women and doesn't affect the woman, but can be transmitted to the baby during labor and if it is transmitted, can be dangerous. It's really not an issue if the mom gets intravenous antibiotics every 4 hours during labor, but it is important to get these antibiotics to protect your baby, so that made it important that I get to the hospital in time to get those antibiotics in me before I had the babe. 

SO...when I called my midwife and she could hear how intense things had gotten, she told me I should come in--especially because I needed to get the antibiotics. I woke Ben up, said let's hit the road, and we did. 

<OH MAN THAT DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL!!!!>

On the 25-minute drive, I had about 6 or 7 contractions. Taking them sitting down was miserable; we had all of the windows down and I was just throwing back my head and moaning like a wild animal. In fact, if there's one theme to Teddy's labor and birth, it's that I turned into the most raw, primal, animalistic version of a person that could ever exist--I was only tapped into the sensations in my body and didn't care AT ALL about anything else happening around me. 

We got to the hospital around 12:45 or 1am, walked to the maternity unit (I was offered a wheelchair but DID NOT want to sit again), and were immediately escorted into the tub room, which is the room I had requested when we called. My midwife came in and checked me and said I was at 5 or 6 cm dilated, so she was glad I came in. They hooked me up to a fetal monitoring device in order to get a "20 minute strip" on the baby's activity and started getting me set up for IV antibiotics while I continued to labor leaning over the bed. 

The next little while was spent trying my best to get through my crazy contractions while they did the intake basics and got what they needed from me. All I wanted to do was get in the tub and get some relief, but they had to fill it (which takes FOREVER) and get the stats on the babe in my belly, which was hard because I kept moving to get through the contractions, which would knock the monitor out of place, which would then lead to the nurse having to move it again to get a read and thus, made it take a lot longer. 

As I labored on the bed (now on hands and knees) waiting for the tub to fill and the fetal monitoring to be over, my water broke and things started to get even more intense. A little after this I was checked again and pronounced to be around 9cm (so those last 3-4 cm happened in just an hour or so), but I was not fully effaced yet (there was just one tiny part of my cervix left) so I was told we had a little more to go before I could start to push.

This same thing happened when I was in labor with Charlie Mae and I was told to push too early, which is thought to be one of the main reasons that things started to go in the wrong direction, so I was very nervous about pushing too early again and took their advice. 

At some point around this same time the tub was finally ready and I was allowed to get in, which was a GAME-CHANGER. Getting in the tub gave me the tiny bit of relief that I needed in order to get through the last 30 minutes or so of contractions before I had to get out and push.

While I was in the tub I had my "bloody show" (ugh I hate that term!) and everyone told me not to worry, that this meant things were about to happen. Right after this, I started getting the urge to push with each contraction. I had just been checked and had been told that I wasn't totally effaced yet, so everyone told me to hold off on pushing. This was SO crazy hard because I felt like I no longer had any control over my body, but I didn't actively push any harder than my body was doing on it's own with each contraction.

My time spent laboring in the tub was marked by loud noises (I kept having to be reminded to keep them low and deep, and tried to do this by saying "opppeeeennn" in a low, loud voice, encouraging my body to open), but the sensations were so intense that this was very hard.

While I was in the tub my amazing doula arrived (things had gone so fast that although she left home as soon as we got to the hospital, she didn't get there until the very end of my labor) and she started helping me with the back labor by taking over for Ben, who was applying counter-pressure on my back with each contraction and saying very encouraging things to me. Her presence had an immediate calming effect and definitely made me feel even more confident in my ability to get through this. 

As my urges to push got stronger and stronger and I started yelling "I'm pushing!" with each contraction, they told me to get out of the tub so I could be checked once more and so that I could push if it was time (we had decided before labor that I would push on either hands and knees or on my side so that my risk of tearing would be lower, considering I had an episiotomy and 4th degree tear when I had Charlie Mae).

Thus, I got out of the tub (INTENSE!), got up onto the bed (INTENSE!), and my midwife checked me again (INTENSE!). The good news? I was ready to push! The bad news? Teddy's heart rate was dropping with each contraction so they wanted me to try and push him out quickly. 

And that's just what we did! I got on my side holding a leg up and my birth team guided me through how to push with each contraction. They were extremely encouraging and somehow--although it felt impossible at the time--I pushed him out in about 5-7 pushes (not sure exactly how many). At one point they even had me reach down and feel his head, which was both encouraging ("he's coming!") and discouraging ("he's nowhere near out yet!)". 

When Teddy came into the world, I felt an immediate flood of relief. Physically, it was a high like no other because the pain was finally gone. They put him on my belly--his cord was short so he didn't reach all the way up onto my chest--and then for a few seconds, things got scary: he was floppy and purple and wasn't crying. I started screaming "Why isn't he crying?" and the nurses quickly cut the cord and whisked him across the room. They sucked some fluid out of his nose and mouth and gave him some pats and he started crying and all was well, but in those 5-10 seconds when he wasn't moving or making any noises, I was completely panicked. Ben had to leave and go into the bathroom because he thought he was going to faint. But as soon as Teddy was aware and crying, they brought him back over to me and laid him on my chest. Once I knew he was okay, I felt complete. 

We were later told that because I had pushed him out so quickly, he may have just been stunned (or his lungs might not have been compressed for as long as usual) and just needed second to get acclimated to the world outside. But whatever the case, that one scary moment did not cloud the experience as a whole because otherwise, it was all pretty incredible. 

Once Teddy was on my chest and we started introducing him to breastfeeding for the first time, I was able to push out the placenta and was then given a bit of pitocin to help with the bleeding. I was then stitched up (I had a 2nd degree tear--WAY better than last time!) and we were done except for the excruciating contractions that came with breastfeeding and the uterus massages that I was given every once in a while to help my uterus return to it's normal size. 

Within an hour, everyone was gone, the lights were low, my birth playlist was still playing softly, Ben was asleep in a rocking chair next to my bed, and Teddy was nursing on my chest. It was just me and my doula, Lindsay, who hung around for a little longer and then left so we could rest and have some time as a family. Of course I couldn't sleep until way later in the day because I was so hyped up on adrenaline and oxytocin and pure LOVE.

For the next few days as we recovered, I just couldn't believe what had happened: how quickly Teddy came into the world, how raw + unfiltered the experience was, how strong I felt after doing what I had hoped to do. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and yet I had done it and now I had a beautiful baby in my arms. It felt like a miracle (and still does, 10 days later). 

So there you go. I think I'll close this novel here and talk more about the postpartum experience (thus far) in a future post, but I just want to say thank you AGAIN to all of you who encouraged me to try for the birth I wanted this second time around. It was so helpful to hear all of your positive second birth experiences and recommendations on resources, tools, etc. I am so thankful for your support and so thankful for this experience. 

Here are a few more pics of Teddy/the fam for those who missed them on Instagram!